


Something Borrowed, Something Blue

by TheIndigoDragonfly



Series: Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue [1]
Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Angst, Bonus Wowkwan, Complicated Relationships, Explicit Language, Family, He was a wedding planner he was a photographer can I make it any more obvious, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/referenced panphobia, Love, M/M, Moderate sex, Parenthood, Photographer Yuchan, Romance, Single parent Donghun, Super soft moments, Tsundere ahoy, Wedding planner Donghun, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:27:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 47,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25782853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIndigoDragonfly/pseuds/TheIndigoDragonfly
Summary: Donghun knows a thing or two about weddings. Having moved to Oakland, California three years ago, he juggles his own wedding planning business while looking after the centre of his universe: his four-year-old son, Kai.Everything is in its rightful place in his life, but when he takes on a new wedding photographer, things start to change. Yuchan is a happy, bright new presence who starts to work through Donghun's defences - but Donghun has a reason for keeping his walls up: to protect his son, and to protect himself, after what happened in the past...
Relationships: Kang Yuchan | Chan/Lee Donghun
Series: Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2068653
Comments: 125
Kudos: 135





	1. Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small notice, before we begin! A few of you asked me about social media before, and I’ve just very shyly set up a Twitter account @IndiDragonfly. If anyone wants to connect over there, I shall be flitting around in the shadows in my corner of the internet – I welcome any chats, questions, or anyone who’d like to share snacks.
> 
> Now - on with the story!

Weddings were like that old analogy of a swan: calm and graceful on the surface, with lots of frantic paddling underneath.

And it was Donghun who did most of the paddling.

Couples getting married tended to stumble halfway through the planning process. Drifting towards marriage on nothing but a giddy cloud of romance, the sheer number of things-to-do often came as a stressful surprise. Flowers, dresses, suits, cakes, save the dates, invitations, guest lists, table plans, caterers, venues, photographers, favours, running orders, rings, vows, transport… And that was before you factored in the warring aunties, or the best man who’s forgotten the prompt cards for his speech, or the bridesmaid with six different food intolerances.

That’s why they came to Donghun.

“So after the ceremony, guests will move outside onto the lawns through these doors – not those ones, okay? – for photos and champagne. They’ll be out there for forty-five minutes or so, so Tania, does that give you time to set up the tables the way we talked about?” He got a nod and a smile in return and glanced back down at his notebook. “Okay, that’s everything. Except photography… where’s the photographer?” He looked around at the group of suppliers, and let out a long sigh. He pushed back his blonde hair, scraping it back into a messy knot to keep it back from his face with a band from his wrist. “I’ll deal with that. That’s it – thanks everyone.”

They all said their goodbyes, finishing setup for tomorrow’s big day. Donghun cast a final critical eye around the venue, satisfied that it had been set up with meticulous attention to the bride and groom’s desires.

He knew he had a reputation for being a perfectionist – but the loyal list of suppliers he worked with were always glad to receive a booking from him, which he presumed meant they liked working for him. And that reputation for being a perfectionist was why couples entrusted him with their special days – he might just be some 28-year-old who had lived in the States for all of three years, but he was a damn good wedding planner, and age and occasional language barrier didn’t matter to those couples one jot.

Donghun waved goodbye to the caterers and then glanced at the clock with a frown. Where was this kid…

“Hi! I’m so sorry I’m late!”

It was an out-of-breath gasp, and Donghun turned to find a tall boy skitter through the open doors, his face flushed pink and his eyes wide. Donghun sighed through his nose, his mouth set in a line.

“Well, as long as you’re not a _second_ late tomorrow.” His words made the boy’s face redden deeper, and he wondered if he was being harsh – but that was how he ran his ship. However, as the boy headed over, Donghun raised a curious eyebrow.

“I’m Yuchan.” He held out a hand and Donghun clasped it briefly. “It’s nice to meet you. And I’m really sorry for being late.”

“Donghun. Pleasure.” He tilted his head. “You’re Korean?”

“Yeah! From Jeju.” Yuchan gave a big smile. “Is this better?” he asked, transitioning to Korean.

“It is. But not tomorrow – people can feel alienated if they hear others talking in another language.” Donghun nodded him into step with him as they walked to the back of the room. The day had been tiring and the evening was drawing late, so he steered firmly away from small talk. “Alright, I want you here for the ceremony, okay? You can sort of have this area, but nothing interfering. The videographer is over the other side so don’t get in the way.”

Yuchan nodded, an easy smile on his face. “No problem.”

Donghun led him outside, quickly outlining the running order and checking in that Yuchan followed. His go-to photographer had left California last week to go travelling with his wife, and Donghun had been disappointed to see him go. He worked best by plucking out individuals that he could count on, and who were good at their jobs, and then booking them up for back to back weddings so they worked almost exclusively for him. That’s how he got things to run like clockwork.

He spared a glance at Yuchan as they headed back inside. One of the videographer’s he worked with had recommended him: told him of a talented photographer he thought would be a good fit. Yuchan was younger than Donghun, with a bright smile never far from his face. Donghun sighed. Typical wedding photographer. Always young and good-looking – he imagined Yuchan mopped up plenty of attention from tipsy guests, and for some reason he found the idea quite annoying.

“I think that’s everything.” Donghun folded his arms, looking around the now-empty venue. “Not a minute past 8am, got it?”

“Got it.” Yuchan nodded his head into a bow, and Donghun raised an eyebrow. “Thanks for talking me through it. See you bright and early.”

“Mh.” Donghun watched him go, and then with a final tweak to one of the decorations adorning a chair, he fished out his car keys and headed out to the carpark.

He set up a playlist for his drive, pulling out down the long gravel driveway that led up to the converted clock tower. It was already dark as he drove back into Oakland, and any remnants of rush-hour traffic had long since subsided. He was glad, anxious to get home as quickly as possible.

He pulled up outside an apartment block that could only be described as ‘a bit hipster-y’. It was an unusual blend of glass and slate panelling, with plants tumbling from balconies the entire way up. Donghun headed to the second floor and found the apartment door on latch.

“Honey, I’m home!”

He walked into the front room and found feet sticking up over one end of the sofa. He grinned as a bemused face looked up from its place scrolling through social media, unimpressed with the way he had announced himself.

“Why must you be like this…” Byeongkwan’s tone was long-suffering, but Donghun detected a hint of a smile quipping around his lips.

“Aw come on…” Donghun clambered on top of him on the sofa, his petulant smile still on his face. “Give your husband a kiss…”

“Ew, gross.” Byeongkwan – ever stronger than he looked – gave Donghun a shove that sent him onto the floor. “I hope to get through life having never kissed you. Ever.” He shifted back into a comfortable position. “Regardless of whether or not I married you.”

Donghun sat up, readjusting his hair in its bun. It was a point of great amusement for both of them, and he had a feeling it always would be. When Donghun had wanted to move to the US several years ago, he had gone hopelessly trawling through the list of criteria for a green card. The country apparently wanted to find any good reason to keep him out, and without his life being in great peril nor being able to offer himself as some kind of prodigy in an important field, his hopes had begun to dissipate.

When his best friend had joked that Donghun could simply marry him for the green card, he had laughed in his face. But the next day, Byeongkwan had followed up with a message – what was stopping them? He had permanent citizenship after moving there as a kid with his parents, and he was quite vocal about having no desire to ever marry. Donghun remembered the message he had been sent, trying to convince him of the idea: _let’s be honest, Hun, are you really ever going to want to get married after everything that’s happened to you?_

Donghun hadn’t been able to fight that logic. And so he was here, happily Stateside with a sham marriage to his oldest and best friend.

“How was the wedding prep?” Byeongkwan sat up, readjusting his beanie.

“Fine. I’m sure it’ll be yet another beautiful day.”

“Must be nice, helping people with their fairytales…” Byeongkwan batted his eyelashes dramatically. “You big romantic…”

Donghun snorted through his nose hard. “We both know that’s not true. I can’t help that I just happen to be excellent at throwing a big party.”

“Which is weird, seeing as you never go to any…”

Donghun rolled his eyes, getting to his feet. “Ha ha. Anyway, I better get off. Is Kai..?” Byeongkwan nodded at the door, and Donghun headed back out into the corridor.

When he opened the door quietly, he was greeted by a low amber light that sent stars glimmering on the ceiling above. He smiled, padding across the room on silent feet. The duvet rustled as he sat down on the edge of the bed, and pushed back soft black hair with gentle fingers.

“Mmm…” The little boy turned over, his eyes fluttering open. He smiled straight away.

“Hey, baby.” Donghun stroked Kai’s pudgy little cheek. “Were you dreaming?”

Kai nodded, sitting up with sleepy eyes. “I missed Daddy.”

He pushed away the duvet to clamber into Donghun’s lap in his puppy pyjamas, and Donghun cuddled him close. He would feel guilty, knowing how he had to leave Kai with Byeongkwan on the day before and day of weddings, but all the love and happiness came flooding over him and left little room for anything else. He pressed his nose against the four-year-old’s hair and took a deep breath in. His little one always smelled of play doh, baby shampoo and milk, and it was the happiest smell Donghun had ever known.

“I missed you too.” He stood up, cradling Kai against his front. “Let’s get you home, little star.”

Donghun only lived five minutes from Byeongkwan’s, and as soon as he got in, he laid an already-sleeping Kai in bed. He tucked the blanket around him and turned on his nightlight, the same one as in Byeongkwan’s spare room. He made sure Blue Teddy was right beside him in case he woke up in the night, and pressed a goodnight kiss onto his son’s forehead.

“Daddy? Can I have a story?” Donghun stopped, halfway to the door on tiptoes, and turned back, his eyes softening.

“It’s really late, sweetie. You need some sleep.”

Kai sat up, pulling Blue Teddy into his arms. “But I… I had sleeps at Uncle Kwannie’s…”

Donghun had zero trouble saying no to anyone in the world - except Kai. He had absolutely no ability to say no to him, ever.

“Okay. One short one.”

He climbed into bed next to Kai, and as his baby snuggled against him, he wondered which of them enjoyed story time more. The book of stories sat on the dresser, and Donghun picked out one about dinosaurs, and began to read. For a short while, Kai’s eyes stayed on the colourful creatures on the pages, but they very soon began to droop, and Donghun paused to see if he was asleep.

He had never liked kids, growing up. While his friends had babysat, he had avoided kids at all cost, completely unable to work out what level to talk to them on, or how to play with them, all while their shrieking and stickiness got on his nerves. But then Kai had come along, and everything had changed. There was absolutely nothing about him that wasn’t perfect. The very second Donghun had set eyes on him for the first time, he had been completely and absolutely in love. That messy, pink, bawling newborn had instantly become the centre of his entire universe, and nothing could ever be more important. And now Kai was this small person, who could pull on his own little outfits and jumble together small sentences and who told his dad that he loved him, every single day.

And he had Donghun’s eyes. Big expressive eyes that angled down at the edges. And god, did that just melt his heart every damn time he looked at him.

For a moment, Donghun just closed his eyes, happy and comfortable. Then he gently detached the little boy and laid him down, and crept from the room to find his own bed.

~

Donghun privately enjoyed that his job gave him an excuse to dress up. A good wedding planner was barely seen by guests and couple alike: he worked quietly in the background, smoothing every bump and ensuring the day ran flawlessly. But he took personal pride in being immaculately turned out for every occasion, and it gave him an excellent reason to have a closet filled with floral shirts and beautifully-lined jackets.

The bridal party would be getting ready in the dressing room at one end of the building, but they wouldn’t arrive for a short while yet. Donghun stole the room to tidy his own hair. He peered into the mirror. He had combed his hair back neatly today, rather than its normal chaotic bun, and he teased a few strands out now to fall around his face. He’d only recently started bleaching it to this honey blonde, and it somehow made his face look more tanned. Satisfied that he was presentable, he glanced over the shoulder of his own reflection and sighed.

“Having trouble?”

Yuchan glanced up. He was rolling the sleeves of his shirt, using a combination of his other hand and his teeth. He was wearing slim burgundy slacks and the shirt was tastefully patterned, but he was the picture of struggling schoolboy trying to get his uniform right. He let the shirt out from between his teeth as he caught Donghun’s raised eyebrow.

“Good god, come here.” Donghun stepped over and yanked down his sleeve, before rerolling it deftly to sit at his elbows. Christ’s sake, the kid had probably waltzed through life relying on being handsome and smiley and could barely even dress himself. He turned to the other sleeve. “Ted Baker?” he asked, and glanced up when Yuchan didn’t answer. He was pink in the face again. Must be embarrassed to need help.

“Hm? Oh! Yeah, it is.” He stepped back as Donghun finished. “How’d you know?”

“Fashion’s my thing.” Donghun thought about adding _it’s nice_ , because he was aware of toeing the line between being stern and just a bit mean, but he decided to leave off the compliment. “Right, I have places to be. I’ll let you know when the bridal party’s here.”

He flitted around for the rest of the morning, and as ever, time seemed to pass in a blur. Everything was in its rightful place and ready to go as he went down to check in on the bridal party.

He found makeup artists already at work and champagne in hands, and all the girls were dressed in matching silk dressing gowns. It was noisy and excitable, and he smiled. Yuchan was already here, taking photos of them getting ready. He was sat perched on a dressing table as Donghun knocked to enter, camera around his neck, laughing loudly at something two of the bridesmaids were telling him.

“Donghun!” Sofia, the bride, turned and beamed at him from where her hair was getting twisted into some impossible arrangement held up by pins.

“Happy wedding day.” He smiled, leaning down to kiss her cheek. He grew to know all his clients so well in the months he worked with them. Seeing them on their big day brought him a genuine swell of happiness. “You feeling good?”

“Totally stress free.” She shook her head in disbelief. “And it’s all thanks to you. I’m so grateful for all your hard work.”

“That’s what I’m here for. Anything you need, just say the word.”

“Sof, is this your wedding planner? Hey, we like this one!” The bridesmaid took Yuchan’s arm and shook him gently. “Can we keep him?”

Donghun caught Yuchan’s eye and raised an eyebrow. Firstly, he was right about Yuchan getting attention. But mostly, it would appear he had a knack for putting people at ease. “Be my guest.” He turned back to Sofia. “Anyway. This is just a little something for you.”

“Donghun, you shouldn’t have…” Sofia accepted the little jewellery box, and he watched her expression light up as she opened it.

To Donghun, weddings were just a big party. The planning was essentially just project management, and a lot of logistics. And he didn’t get to enjoy the big day – he was always far too busy zipping around in the background. But there was a tiny slither of sentimentality that came knocking at his heart every time – and this was his token towards that old romantic notion.

“It’s a dress pin. Obviously you don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to – but it’s something borrowed, and it’s something blue.” He gave a half smile. “So as long as you’ve got something old and something new of your own, you’re good to go.” He tucked back a strand of hair. “And I say borrowed, but it’s yours to keep, obviously.”

Always this tiniest of gestures, these dress pins, and so often they made the bride tear up. Sofia stood up and hugged him, and he heard her sniff quietly.

“Thank you.”

From there on out, the day passed in a whirlwind of guests, vows and drinks. Donghun kept everything ticking over perfectly, making sure everyone was where they needed to be at the right time. When the guests spilled out onto the lawn for photos, he oversaw the transition of the main room into the dining arrangement, stopping momentarily to check on progress outside. Yuchan seemed to _always_ be laughing, and it was a loud laugh at that. But he also seemed to know what he was doing, and his easy-going nature seemed to put the guests at ease and get them smiling and laughing too.

Only mid-evening did Donghun get a chance to slow down. Everyone was fed, and happy, and dancing, and finally there was nothing more to take care of that wine and whiskey couldn’t handle without him. One of the boys behind the bar brought him a wine spritzer – just the one, he was driving home – and he wandered down the garden path a little, leaning back to perch on the wall and take a deep breath of night time air.

Another beautiful day.

“Hey… mind if I join you?”

Donghun looked over his shoulder to find his photographer hovering, and he waved him over. Yuchan set his camera on the wall opposite and pulled himself up to sit, taking a sip from the beer bottle in his hand.

“You all done for the day?”

“Yeah.” Yuchan nodded, patting the camera. “There gets a certain point in the evening where no wedding guest is going to want any photos of themselves in the state they’re in.” He grinned. “Sensing the cut-off point is one of the tricks of the trade.”

Donghun felt a very small smile twitch around his face. “How considerate of you.”

Yuchan hesitated. “Did I do okay?” He looked at Donghun, and his expressive face belied his hopefulness. “You were happy with everything?”

“Yeah.” Donghun felt a little part of him thaw – he gave new suppliers a hard time and he knew it, but frankly if they were good at their jobs, that’s all he looked for. “You did good.”

“Do you think I can do more weddings for you then? I know we’ve got a couple lined up already… I’d really like to work for you.”

Donghun couldn’t help but feel surprised. Yuchan’s face had gone that now-familiar shade of pink. He seemed pretty confident, but perhaps beneath it he was shyer than Donghun had first thought. He pursed his lips.

“Yeah, I think so. Lucas recommended you very highly and you did a good job with the guests today.” He nodded. “I’m sure Lucas told you this, but I like to keep a small bank of caterers and photographers and things to work with often. To be honest, if I could just have one photographer who I know and can depend on, that’s how I’d like it.”

“I can do that!” Yuchan smiled hopefully. “I’d rather work like that too.”

“Great.” Donghun took a sip from his wine. “Just never be late again.”

He said it, partly, because there was something strangely entertaining about turning Yuchan pink again.

“Sorry… I really won’t let that happen again.” Yuchan played with the label on his bottle. “How long have you been a wedding planner?”

“In the US? Three years. But I’d already been doing it a while back in Seoul. How long have you been in photography?”

“Well, I’ve been taking photos as long as I can remember.” Yuchan smiled. “I did my service straight out of school, and when I came out I went pretty much straight into wedding photography, shadowing another guy for a bit. So, um, four years or so? I’m twenty-four now.”

“You already did your military service? Me too.” Donghun raised an eyebrow. Handy that he wouldn’t be disappearing any time soon. Changing suppliers made him grumpy. “Why wedding photography?”

“Oh, wedding’s are the best.” Another big smile. “I just love them. Everyone’s always so happy, and it makes me happy to be around. And I love taking photos of people in pretty dresses. Plus… y’know, I’m a bit of a romantic.”

Donghun tried not to roll his eyes too visibly. The truth was, he didn’t dislike Yuchan, but he was clearly the cut-and-paste wedding photographer type he’d assumed. They always had this sense of happy-go-lucky about them, like they didn’t have a care in the world. Just swanning around taking pretty pictures of dresses.

“Are you with anyone you’d like to get married to..?”

Yuchan’s question made Donghun snort.

“Oh, absolutely not.” He didn’t want to divulge about Byeongkwan and his arrangement, he never did at work. A wedding planner with a sham marriage who doesn’t believe in love? Not quite the image he was going for. “Not much of a romantic, believe it or not. Love’s something for other people.” He stood up, brushing down his slacks. “Anyway, I’m going to make a move. Thanks for today.”

“No problem!” Yuchan followed him. “I’ll send the photos over to you as soon as they’re done! Thank you for letting me work with you, I’ll do a good job!”

This time, his back to Yuchan, Donghun let himself roll his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsundere Donghun has arrived!
> 
> It’s so nice to be back! I took a few weeks to lie around and eat cake and think about new ideas, but I’m happy to be back to writing with Something Borrowed.
> 
> I hope you’re all having a beautiful summer, and I hope you enjoyed the first chapter!
> 
> A side note: I realise I haven’t had Sehyoon or Byeongkwan as protagonists as yet (although, Neverland Donghun would have been nothing without his right-hand man BK, and Junhee from Photographs would have struggled badly without Sehyoon). I actually started a Wowkwan fic some time ago, but what began as a fairly harmless story became a noir gangster fic that got way too dark and absolutely out of hand, so I chose to park it… for now, at least.
> 
> Thank you so very much for reading, as always.
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghun's wedding business is running like clockwork - with his trusty band of suppliers close at hand, his job and his son divide all of his time. And luckily for him, the new photographer - Yuchan - seems to be settling into the role...

“Are you kidding me?”

Donghun held the phone away so his frustrated hiss couldn’t reach the microphone. He ran a hand through his hair, shutting his eyes briefly. When he put the phone back to his ear, he kept his voice level.

“No, of course, these things happen. Don’t worry, just make sure you rest up and get better.”

He hung up and let out a low growl, biting back the curse words that he couldn’t let out in the house. Kai went zooming through his legs, nearly tripping him up, and then went tumbling down onto his front when his little foot caught on the rug. He hit the ground with a bump, and began to make those early snuffles that meant tears were on the way.

“Oh no, baby…” Donghun went after him quickly, scooping him up and rubbing his knee. But Kai’s lip wobbled and he began to cry, and Donghun lifted him to sit on his hip even as he clicked through his phone with the other hand. He shushed Kai gently to try and slow his tears.

“’Lo?”

“Hello?” Donghun raised an eyebrow. “Kwan?”

“Mh. Hey.”

“Is this a bad time..?”

“Uh… I’m still in bed.”

“Dude, it’s two in the afternoon.”

“I’m… not in _my_ bed.”

“ _Oh_.” Donghun switched the phone and held it in place with his shoulder so he could shift Kai to the other hip. “So who are you with?”

“Oh… that guy…” There was a sound like Byeongkwan had just been hit by someone.

“Sehyoon? Again?” Donghun raised an eyebrow. “Kwan, keep this up and I reckon we’re going to have to rethink the whole fake marriage thing. You might need a real one.”

“Ew, gross. He knows I’m just using him for his body.” Another scuffle, and this one brought with it a muffled yelp from Byeongkwan. “Do you need something, Hun?”

“Yeah, no, it’s fine…” Donghun rubbed his face, stressed. He knew Byeongkwan’s not-a-boyfriend lived right down the south end of San Francisco, and it was at least a half-hour’s drive back to Oakland. “Kai’s babysitter just called in sick and I have to leave for work… well, now.” He glanced at the clock.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry. I would head back but I’m working tonight anyway…”

“No, it’s fine, don’t worry. Go back to sucking-” He glanced at Kai. “…Yeah.” Byeongkwan snorted. “Listen, gotta go. Catch you soon.”

“Later.”

He hung up the phone, agitated. Kai had stopped sniffling and now he was squirming to be let down, babbling something about dinosaurs. He set him down and thought quickly. It was the day before one of his weddings – there was one most weekends at the moment – and he was due to go and run through everything with the suppliers in less than an hour. He didn’t have a choice.

“Hey, little star?” Donghun crouched down and held out his hands; Kai ran helter-skelter towards him, reaching out and hugging him with a bubbly little giggle. “What do you think about coming to work with Daddy?”

“Work with Daddy!” Kai’s entire face lit up – and Donghun allowed himself a moment of fizzy love at how happy he looked at the idea of spending the whole day with him.

“You have to promise to be a good boy, okay?” He looked at Kai sternly. “Daddy is going to be busy so you have to be well-behaved. Can you promise?”

“I… pwomise.” He played with Donghun’s t-shirt. “Can I… Can I… Can I wear my new shoes?”

“You can. Go and fetch them.” He gave Kai a gentle push, and sighed. This was the last thing he wanted.

He was running late, but he took the drive easy – on his own, he would have put his foot down, but he would never dream of doing that with Kai in the car. As they arrived at this week’s venue – a sleek modern hotel with great glass panels looking out over the grounds – Donghun fetched out his boy and broke into a run towards the door.

“Hey, Sally?” He skittered to a stop as he spotted a familiar face. The receptionist smiled, and then frankly melted as she looked at Kai. “I’ve had a bit of a disaster. This is my son… You couldn’t watch him for a while, could you? Just while I go through things with everyone for tomorrow?”

“Donghun, you never told me you have a son!” Sally came out from behind the desk, already stretching out her hands to Kai. “Aw, hey little man.” She pushed back his dark hair, and he gave her a shy look with big eyes. “Don’t take this patronisin’, but why are your lots’ babies cuter than the white ones?”

Donghun snorted, shaking his head. “See if you’re still saying that when he’s zipping around pretending to be a dinosaur.” He pinched Kai’s cheek gently. “Be good for Sally, okay?”

With that, he hurried off to the central room where people were waiting for him. A face with a raised eyebrow greeted him, and his friend and favourite venue manager tapped his watch with a smug smile.

“Donghun Lee… Are you five minutes _late_?!”

“Shut your mouth.” Donghun ran a hand through his loose hair – it was wild and unkempt from his rushing around. “I had extenuating circumstances.”

“Huh, I’m trying that one next time…”

They settled down, running through last-minutes details for the next day. Donghun enjoyed this bit – he supposed it could be stressful, but instead he found it intensely satisfying after months of planning to have everything in place and ready to go. He handed over a last-minute change in seating plan and headed with the florist to the doors to discuss the arrangements that would be displayed there early tomorrow morning.

A giggle punctuated their conversation and he looked over his shoulder. Sally ran through the door, flushed, and ahead of her, Kai zoomed towards them, his eyes crinkled as he laughed. He tripped for the second time that afternoon, and Donghun jerked forward just in time to catch him, and lift him back onto his feet.

“Oh my god, where has this adorable child come from?”

Some of his team started to coo, and Donghun sighed, scooping up Kai. “He’s mine.”

“You have a _kid?_ ”

He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised at the way people reacted. He never told them, for starters, because he liked to keep his private life… well, private. Most of them knew he was single, too, and it was an unfortunate truth that people still got surprised to hear of single fathers. Mothers, perhaps, but dads raising little ones on their own? It still raised eyebrows.

“Sorry, Donghun, I was watching him but he slipped away while I was checking in a guest.” Sally wrung her hands apologetically.

“It’s okay.” Donghun tucked back Kai’s hair, giving him a kiss on the cheek. His play doh smell was back and it acted like a sedative. “I have to fight the urge not to run back to him when we’re apart, too.” Kai looked up at him with those downturned chocolate eyes and nestled into him. “I do need to work, though…”

“I’ll keep an eye on him?” Donghun looked up at Yuchan in surprise as he spoke. The younger boy shrugged, giving him a smile. “I’m a big kid myself, so…”

“Okay.” Donghun hesitated. “He’s shy around strangers, though…” Carefully, he handed Kai over to the photographer, and Kai immediately came over looking nervous, giving Yuchan a reproachful look.

“Hey, cutie. What’s your name?”

Kai looked back at Donghun, appealing for help. Eventually, he turned back to Yuchan. “Kai,” he whispered from behind his hand.

“That’s a great name. How old are you, Kai?”

Donghun watched Kai hold up four little fingers in turn, and then reluctantly went back to his work.

It only took half an hour to go through his list of final checks. The beauty of his close-knit team meant they all worked with each other just as well as they worked with him, and it ran like a well-oiled machine. When he returned to the reception room, he heard a big peel of laughter.

Kai was running circles around Yuchan, his arms spread wide like an aeroplane. Yuchan was chasing him – and Donghun raised an eyebrow. The photographer let the child escape via numerous near-misses, until eventually he swept him up, swinging him over his head gently and tossing him up in the air, making Kai shriek with giggles. He wasn’t sure who wore the bigger smile, Kai or Yuchan.

“Looks like someone’s made a friend…” Donghun was bemused as the two turned to him, out of breath and happy. Other than Byeongkwan and his babysitter, Kai shied away from most people he got introduced to. Yuchan grinned, planting Kai on his feet again.

“We had fun.”

Donghun nodded, and looked at him frankly. “…Thank you.” It was sincere.

“Oh… It’s fine.” Yuchan waved a hand. “I love kids. And he’s just the cutest kid I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, I’m biased, but I have to agree.” Donghun took Kai’s hand. “All set for tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Oh – and I’ve got the photos edited from last weekend.”

“Already?” Donghun asked in surprise, impressed. “Cool. Well, do you want to meet Monday? We can go through them and just talk through some of the weddings we’ve got coming up?”

“Yeah, sure.” Yuchan smiled.

“Great. See you tomorrow, then.” He turned away.

“Yeah. Don’t be late again.”

Donghun stopped dead, and turned back around, narrowing his eyes. Yuchan was pulling on his jacket, and the smirk tugging on his lips was downright obnoxious. Donghun shook his head, the amusement that twitched on his own face annoying himself. As he turned away, Kai raised a small hand over his shoulder.

“Bye-bye, Channie…”

~

Donghun swirled his coffee, unseeing. The weekend’s wedding had gone smoothly, and he’d spent Sunday at the park with Kai, before crashing out fast asleep on the sofa the second he’d put his son to bed in the early evening. Getting out of bed this morning had been a struggle.

He tried to snap himself from his reverie, looking at the spreadsheet on his laptop. Around him, people sat clacking at keyboards, or talking in groups of two or three on low armchairs. He loved this space – he mostly worked from home, but whenever he was meeting clients or suppliers, he came to this shared open office space, with its burnished wood tables and green foliage spilling down the walls. It also helped that there was endless sweet black coffee.

His brain had just about stirred from its stupor when someone slid a notebook and coffee onto the table in front of him.

“Hey.” Yuchan slipped onto the bench opposite, his cheerful smile in place. “How’s it going?”

“Yeah, good. How’s everything with you?”

Yuchan immediately began to talk happily about last weekend’s wedding, and Donghun smiled faintly, amused at his enthusiasm.

“So I’ve got everything ready on here.” Yuchan pulled out a pretty wooden box and turned it to face Donghun. Inside nestled a tiny silver USB stick. “Do you want to have a look?”

Donghun planted the drive into his laptop, and made room as Yuchan hurried round to sit next to him. Clicking through the photos, his eyebrows rose, and he leaned a little closer. A picture of the flower girl, precisely the second she had leaped up towards the awaiting arms of the beaming bride. A picture of the bridal party, beautifully lit with bokeh fairy lights swirling around them like fireflies.

“You’re amazing.” He said it before he’d even processed it, eyes still transfixed on the photos.

“Ah… you really think so?” Yuchan laughed self-effacingly, rubbing his neck.

“Yeah. These photos are something else.” He carried on clicking through them.

“That means a lot. Especially coming from someone like you.” Donghun looked up in surprise. “Lucas told me you’re great at this but… the last two weddings have been so amazing. You’re really good at it.”

Donghun felt a touch of surprise, and wasn’t quite sure what to do with Yuchan’s sincere compliment.

“I know,” he said, going back to the laptop. “I’m the best.”

Yuchan snorted, moving back around the other side of the table.

“How’d such a sweet little thing like Kai come from someone like you?” Donghun shot him a glare, but that annoying smile that kept cropping up on his face? It was fighting to come back again. He scowled instead.

“Not sure why he decided he liked you so much,” he retorted, thinking of the way Kai had giggled gleefully with Yuchan. “Looks like I’ve raised him to have terrible taste in people.”

“Ouch.” Yuchan grinned, sipping his latte. “Is it hard, running the business and looking after Kai..?”

Donghun knew what was on the end of that sentence: _by yourself?_ This was why he didn’t tell suppliers about Kai, this is why he didn’t tell them about his private life, because then they started to _pry_ and he didn’t need people nuzzling into his life.

“It can be,” he said, his guard not going up quite as high as it normally did. “But most of the time I work from home, so I can be with him, and then he gets looked after on the days I’m on site.” He hesitated, and then decided to continue. _Go on then, let’s test you, if you’re going to ask questions_. “By my husband.”

“Huh?” Yuchan’s eyes widened, and then they darted down to Donghun’s left ring finger and back. “You said..?”

Donghun sniggered. “Yeah. I’m single. But I’m also married.” He sipped his coffee. “I needed a green card, so I married my best friend. But it’s a technicality thing. I wouldn’t ever…” He pulled a face, repulsed at the thought.

“ _Oh_. Shit. I’ve never met anyone who actually did that.”

“Just me and my ever-fascinating life.” Donghun slid out the USB and returned it. He wasn’t quite sure why he was telling Yuchan this. Something about him made him feel easy – perhaps that same _je ne sais quoi_ that had stolen away Kai’s shyness also drew him out of his own shell. “Don’t mention it to anyone at work though.”

“Gotcha. Wedding planner with a sham marriage?” Yuchan grinned. “Not a good look.”

“Not a good look at all.” Despite himself, Donghun grinned too, and pulled out the details for the next wedding to run through with him.

~

Even at the tail-end of wedding season, ceremonies were back-to-back. For the next month, Donghun didn’t have a weekend off, and it felt like he saw more of his team than the inside of his own home. He was relieved to watch Yuchan slip naturally into the group – he was a hard worker, and Donghun started to feel assured that he could count on him.

There would be a brief calmness before winter weddings, and he planned to savour the down time. And so, on the first Friday night in a long time without an early morning start lying in wait, he felt a great sense of relief. Changing into sweatpants and a long-sleeved t-shirt, he scraped back his hair and looked around the living room. How did it keep getting so messy? There were toys everywhere, storybooks stacked on the arm of one chair… He started to pick things up, juggling plastic dinosaurs and bright purple ponies.

“Kai?” He cocked his head, listening for approaching footsteps. “Kai, can you come and help Daddy pick up your toys?”

He heard a scuffle and then Kai appeared, pattering into the room and zooming a toy car along the floor with him.

“Why is your shirt on back to front?” Donghun raised an eyebrow at him, amused. “You little weirdo.” He pulled him over gently, and he wriggled as Donghun sorted out his top. As soon as he was released, he ran back to his car, babbling away some commentary of a make-believe race in his head.

Donghun straightened up as the doorbell rang. He pushed up his sleeves with a sigh and went to check the door.

“Hey! Oh, err, is now a bad time?”

Yuchan glanced first at Donghun’s arm full of toys, and then at Kai squealing in the background, just as a stack of books went toppling over sideways. Donghun realised he’d told the photographer to drop round the hard copies of a set of photos today… and he had forgotten entirely.

“No, of course not. This as good a time as it gets around here.” Donghun stood back and nodded him in. “Watch you don’t trip on the toy minefield.”

Yuchan set down his things on the table on one side of the open-plan living room, but his attention appeared to be caught by a small face peering around the doorway. Donghun snorted quietly, putting his hands on his hips.

“What are you being so shy for, hm?” Kai shrank back, until just one eye and the tips of tiny fingers were left visible. “It’s just Yuchan! He played with you at Daddy’s work?”

“Channie?” Kai slowly peeked around the door, and this time his face lit up. “Channie!” He ran over, all but throwing himself towards Yuchan.

“I’m going to start getting jealous…” Donghun teased, but Kai’s head shot up and he immediately abandoned his new friend and came running back. Kai reached up his hands and held onto Donghun’s t-shirt.

“I love Daddy,” he told Yuchan, his tone extremely solemn and his eyes wide with sincerity. Donghun’s mouth twitched at the look on Yuchan’s face; it was an expression he knew all too well, when people melted over how adorable Kai could be. “Mmm…” Kai looked like he was thinking hard. “But… I love Yuchan too!” He laughed, and ran back to Yuchan, making the photographer smile.

“You _love_ him?” Donghun folded his arms. “Jeez, in fifteen years we’re going to have to have A Talk about not rushing into things, I can see it now…” His lips quirked. “Sit down.”

Donghun and Yuchan sat opposite each other, spreading out photos on the table between them and running through odds and ends for various clients. Kai pulled himself up onto one of the other chairs, curious eyes travelling between them as he watched them talk. It didn’t take long to sort through the plans, and Yuchan repacked the photos and slid the albums over.

“Are you glad to have a Saturday off tomorrow?” Donghun asked, running his finger along the gold pattern that edged one album.

“God, am I.” Yuchan smiled, propping his chin on one hand. “Although… I have a lot of fun on the day. I like being around the team.”

Donghun gave a faint smile. For some reason, it made him happy to hear that. “Yeah, me too.” He glanced at Kai. “But I get a weekend off from feeling guilty about leaving him with Byeongkwan.”

“I like Uncle Kwannie.” Kai had magicked a dinosaur from somewhere; Donghun was always in awe of the way he could whip a toy out from nowhere. Now, the little t-rex walked across the table. “Uncle Kwannie is so cool,” he told Yuchan. “He builds forts. And he… he lets me put makeup on him.”

“Makeup!” Yuchan slid to rest his head on his arms to get on Kai’s level. “Do you like doing makeup?” He nodded. “Are you going to do wedding makeup for your daddy one day?”

“Yeah!” Kai lit up, clapping his hands together. “And, and, Kwannie said… He said I could have some of his drink.”

“What drink’s that?”

“Um… A special one. He said… It’s called beer.”

Donghun, halfway through retying his hair, snorted. “Kai, you’re four.” Kai giggled and went back to his dinosaur, and Donghun caught affection on Yuchan’s face. He hesitated. “He… really likes you.” He met Yuchan’s eyes. “He doesn’t warm to new people very often.”

Yuchan smiled, a happy pink flush on his face. “I love kids. I can’t wait to have my own. And Kai’s the sweetest.” He reached out to ruffle the little one’s hair. “He’s so tiny for four, it’s adorable.”

Donghun smiled, but it came with a pang. He flashed back, just for a moment, to when Kai had been a baby, and worrying if he was growing fast enough. Worrying when he turned three, and seeing that he was smaller than the other kids at preschool. Had it been because Kai was never breastfed – not for long, at least..? Or was it just because he was Donghun’s son, and had inherited his genes and just wasn’t destined to be a tall boy?

“I guess it’s bedtime for you, little star.”

Kai looked at Yuchan, then Donghun, then back at Yuchan. His voice became a shy whisper. “Will you read my story?”

That was it – Donghun felt straight-up offended. He laughed, disbelieving, as Kai held out his hands to Yuchan. “I’ve never felt so betrayed.” He stood up, taking Kai’s hands to gently redivert them. “Baby, Yuchan doesn’t have time to read you stories. Go put your pyjamas on and Daddy will come read you a story when he’s tidied up a bit more.”

Kai nodded and slid down from the chair to patter away in the direction of his room. Donghun watched him go, affection warming his chest.

“Bet it’ll be _The Gruffalo_. Again.” Donghun looked around the living room, with all its mess. “Man, I still have to put him to bed, tidy up, and cook dinner. Enjoy your freedom while you’re still single.”

Yuchan paused, his hands in his pockets. “Hey… Do you want some help?” Donghun looked around, eyes wide. “I mean, I don’t mind reading to Kai if you actually just want some of your evening back.” His lips twitched. “I love _The Gruffalo_.”

Donghun watched him, taken aback. Sure, he adored Kai like nothing else, but he was his responsibility and no one else ever helped him besides Byeongkwan. “Are you sure? You really don’t have to…”

“I’m happy to help.”

“Okay.” Donghun nodded, feeling a strange tug of gratitude. “I’ll tidy up and start cooking… You don’t happen to wanna stick around for dinner?”

“Yeah?” A slow smile crept onto Yuchan’s face, and his eyes shone happy. “Yeah, I’d love to, if it’s not putting you out.”

 _It’ll be nice to have some adult company_. Donghun thought about saying it, but instead just gave a nod. “Could you make sure he’s brushed his teeth? The book’s on his bedside cabinet. Oh – Yuchan? Make sure his nightlight is on.”

“I’ve got it,” Yuchan replied with a smile.

An hour later, they sat back at the table, eating the _bibimbap_ Donghun had put together. Yuchan shut his eyes happily.

“Oh man,” he said around a mouthful of rice. “Actual Korean food!”

Donghun smiled faintly. “Been a while? When did you move to the States?”

“Mh, ages ago, with my parents. I was in high school. I went back while I was doing military service, but moved straight back out here to Cali. Oakland’s home, now.”

They talked as they ate: about Yuchan’s family, and military service, and the transition from living in South Korea to the United States. When their bowls were empty, Donghun replaced them with wine glasses, and fetched out one of the nice bottles he’d been brought as a gift but never had a chance to drink with company. He found himself relaxing – properly relaxing, for the first time in a long while – knowing that Kai was resting down the corridor and that he could just enjoy conversation and a drink.

So much so, that an hour later, Yuchan was still here, and they moved to sit at opposite ends of the sofa. Yuchan traced the deliberate rip slashed in the knee of his jeans.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking…” he said, and Donghun looked up with a prickle of anxiety. Yuchan met his eyes. “Kai’s yours, right? Like… biologically? He looks just like you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, he’s mine.”

“Does he… have a mom?”

There it was. The question.

The question he was most afraid of. That question was the reason he didn’t talk about Kai, why he didn’t talk about home, why he chose to keep his entire private life under lock and key. Ah – but he’d slipped up, hadn’t he? Somehow, somewhere in the last six weeks, he’d let details slip around this photographer, and now he had to answer it.

Only, he didn’t find himself wanting to fight to keep it from Yuchan.

“Yeah.” Donghun ran his thumb along his glass. It had been a long time since he’d retold this particular story. He took a deep breath. “Back in Seoul, when I was 22… I met a girl. We fell in love, blah blah blah… Anyway, just a year after we met, she got pregnant. By accident.” Yuchan was watching him quietly. “It was the _craziest_ day, finding out… But we both wanted to keep it, because you know… we were young and in love and et cetera. Anyway, nine months later, along comes Kai.”

Yuchan nodded slowly. “What happened?”

Donghun looked down into his glass. It was easy now, sitting here in California, telling the story like a funny anecdote over a glass of wine. But it was still inside him: the screaming, the crying, the memories of sitting on the floor and sobbing until he was raw.

“So, that’s the fun part. Less than six months after Kai was born, I found out she was cheating on me.” Donghun sighed. “Even better, actually… She’d been seeing someone the whole time we were together, pretty much. They stopped when she got pregnant – I think – but after she gave birth, she went back to him. I found out, she went to him, I was left with Kai. Alone.”

“Donghun…”

“Mm. Cheerful story, right?”

Yuchan shook his head, his eyes wide. “I take it you don’t still speak to her? Does Kai..?”

“Does Kai see her? Kai’s going nowhere near that bitch.” It came out before he could stop it, his voice growling on the last word. He shook his head. “And no… I don’t. We spoke after it happened, just once.” He smiled darkly. “She took the opportunity to tell me it was my fault.”

“What?!” Yuchan sat up, staring at Donghun with unabashed incredulity.

What the hell – he’d already told him this much.

“Yeah,” he said, with a shrug. “So… I’m pansexual.” He annoyed himself by looking at Yuchan for his reaction; his face remained unbothered. “She knew this, and she told me that my pansexuality was ‘really confusing’ for her.” He drew air quotes with his fingers. “She said it made her feel like she couldn’t trust me with anyone from any gender… like I was going to be looking at every person who breathed near me and not be able to contain myself.” He rolled his eyes, but Yuchan sat forward, his cheeks turning pink.

“That’s bullshit!”

“Well, it’s her opinion. She left me with the parting shot that she needed, and I quote, ‘a manly guy, not someone who wears prettier jewellery’ than her.”

“Donghun, what the hell.” Yuchan was visibly upset, and for some reason, Donghun chose to find it amusing. “I… I’m so sorry. No one should ever say those things to you.”

“Perhaps not. But, y’know, from all this, I got Kai.” He thought, briefly, of the night she had left. The night he had knelt on the floor of the kitchen, at twenty-four, weeping, with a baby clutched in his arms. But more than that, he thought about the years since. Feeding him his favourite foods. Seeing him totter onto his wobbly legs and take his first steps. Stopping to pat dogs in the street. Tucking him into bed, that one Tuesday night, and hearing _lub you_ for the first time.

“I guess so… And he’s worth all that.”

It wasn’t a question, but Donghun answered like it had been.

“He’s worth every day of pain you could possibly imagine.” He put down his glass, shaking his head. “You know, I fell in love with him the very second I saw him. He just came _screaming_ into my world all pink and messy, and from that day on my entire world has revolved around him.” Yuchan was watching him with soft eyes. “It hasn’t always been easy, but… For him, I’d give up everything else. He’s completely perfect, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make him happy.”

“You’re… an amazing dad. You know that, right?”

Donghun looked up, suddenly aware of how deep into his life he had gone. “I try…” He laughed, feeling abashed. “Thanks for listening to my life story. I… haven’t really told many people all this.”

“It’s okay.” Yuchan shook his head. “I’m glad you trusted me with it.”

“Yeah… Me too.”

Yuchan nodded faintly, and then leaned across quite suddenly.

His kiss was completely unexpected.

Donghun didn’t relent entirely to it, nor did he push Yuchan away. He was caught, completely off-guard, and was able to respond only by putting up one hand absently.

Although Yuchan pulled away, he stayed close.

“Is… this okay?”

Yuchan’s face was apprehensive, but more than that – there was some hell of a kind of desire on his features. Donghun searched him, and nodded.

His kiss was gentle, and deep, and absolutely electrifying, all at once. Donghun’s helpless hands hesitated in shock for a moment more, and then searched their way onto Yuchan’s waist. In return, Yuchan’s fingers cupped his cheek firmly, and left sparks dancing on his face.

Had he considered Yuchan this way? No. He didn’t consider _anyone_ this way. He was never looking for something like this, but now it was happening…

It had been a _long_ time since he’d kissed… well, anyone. Yuchan’s glass was still dangling between his fingers, leaned over to him, and Donghun still sat back, not quite sure what the hell was happening. He hadn’t asked for this… He hadn’t invited Yuchan to stay for some secret purpose… But now his lips were against his and his fingers were on his face and god, _god_ it felt good-

“Sorry,” Yuchan whispered as they broke apart, leaving Donghun’s head spinning with stars like a cartoon cliché. “I couldn’t stop myself…”

“Where’d this come from?” Donghun fumbled the words out before he had time to think.

Yuchan let out a breath of laughter. “I mean… Ever since the night I met you…” He trailed off, embarrassed.

“Yeah?” Donghun slid his hand from his waist to his back, and pulled him closer. A smile tugged at his mouth.

“Yeah…”

Donghun stopped trying to process it.

He stopped wondering why he was so okay with Yuchan kissing him out of the blue, stopped wondering why this whole evening had felt so comfortable, stopped being unsure about why he had told him about Kai’s mom and his sexuality. _Fuck_ , did any of it matter when Yuchan pulled Donghun into his lap so easily, and pushed his tongue between his lips, and curled his hands around his hips?

All Donghun had to do was find his own feet and tug his hand and Yuchan had picked him up, kissing his neck and carrying him haphazardly from the room.

“Which door?” Yuchan managed around kisses, banging into the wall and cursing under his breath.

“Left.”

It had been too long since someone had been in his room. _Far_ too long since someone had been on his bed, flushed and foggy eyed. Donghun crawled over him, looking down into his face as Yuchan reached up for Donghun’s hair tie and gently pulled it out. His hair fell forward, and he leaned back in.

“Hey… Is this a good idea?”

It was a whisper, murmured into Donghun’s neck. Donghun pulled back enough to meet Yuchan’s eyes. He noticed with a jolt that they were pretty.

“Yeah… we should slow this down.”

“Yeah.”

But it was difficult, because blood had already long left Donghun’s head, and his mind was spinning, and there was an ache between his thighs that _really_ wanted to get acted upon. An ache that grew and grew as Yuchan slid his hand onto the small of Donghun’s back, and rolled up his hips… again… and again… and-

“Ah, stop.” The motion ceased – fuck, he wished it hadn’t – and he peeled himself reluctantly from on top of Yuchan, slipping down next to him. “We shouldn’t… Kai’s next door…”

“Of course.”

Donghun smiled a little giddily, feeling all out of kilter. He reached to kiss Yuchan again – it was downright addictive. His brain hadn’t caught up, and he still had no idea what was happening, but it was good, his lips felt good, his stroking fingers on his waist felt good, and oh _nothing_ could feel nicer than the hand that reached to play with his hair.

A tiny part of Donghun had always wondered, since he’d grown his hair out, how it would feel to have fingers run through it.

It was worth waiting for.

He wasn’t sure how long they lay there, making out. He just knew that all of sudden, he felt like a boy in his twenties. Not running a business. Not being a father. Just a young guy, fervently exploring a new mouth, his heart beating hard.

“I hate to say this, but… I guess I should get going.” Yuchan pulled back, looking at Donghun. “I definitely don’t want to but…”

“But..?”

“…But it’s going to be really tough to stick to the ‘slow it down’ thing if we stay here any longer.”

“Yeah.” Donghun sat up with some difficulty. They both stood up, dishevelled, and Donghun nodded Yuchan out the room with a raised eyebrow.

“Well… I’ll see you next weekend? I guess?” In the living room, Yuchan pulled on his sneakers and turned, his hair still mussed.

“Yeah. See you Friday.”

“Yeah.”

They both hesitated, awkward, and then laughed. Yuchan took the initiative, and stepped forward, kissing Donghun goodbye.

Donghun shut the door quietly. In the still of the living room that was left behind, he stared, eyes blown out.

“What the fuck,” he whispered, and trailed back to his room to get ready for bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuchan, you gutsy man.
> 
> I rolled around on the floor dying at Kai being cute the whole time I was writing this. Stressful for poor Donghun... but cute. He’s such a scene stealer.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed Part II! Thank you so much for your kudos and kind words for Part I, it really does mean so much to me! Reading your comments brings me the biggest cheesey smile in the world.
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite the cool front Donghun fights to keep up, he has found himself warming to Yuchan, and even opening up about his past: his ex-girlfriend's unexpected pregnancy and the affair that ended their relationship. Even more surprising to Donghun was Yuchan's impulsive kiss that left his head spinning...

Another Friday, another pre-wedding meeting. Donghun had new caterers this time – the couple were Greek and wanted authentic food from home, and he had gone scouring through half a dozen Greek caterers to find someone who fit his high standards.

“Okay, so, you guys know your timings…” He looked over his notepad, speaking vaguely in the direction of the caterer. “We’re all good with the _stefana_ crowns, we’re making the dance floor bigger for the traditional dances… I think that’s everything.” He nodded, satisfied. “Okay, cool, that’s all.” Everyone stood up and began to chat amongst themselves as they replaced their chairs and made to leave. “Ah – Yuchan? Shall we..?”

He meant ‘shall we go through the photography’, but it sounded a lot like some sort of insinuation. Yuchan smiled guiltily when he caught his eyes. Since last Friday, Donghun had replayed the evening again and again like a cassette tape stuck on loop. Their messages had been conspicuously work-focussed ever since, impressively ignoring the elephant in the room… So, Donghun had kept finding things about work that he ‘needed’ to text Yuchan about. Rather than the occasional message of necessity, they’d messaged every day.

But now Donghun had spent the entire meeting avoiding his gaze. Gun to his head, he didn’t know what was coming over him. He was the last person to get flustered, but it seemed like sticking his head in the sand and refusing to make eye contact meant he could focus on his job, and decidedly _not_ focus on Yuchan… and his fingers that had run tracks through Donghun’s hair… or his soft lips… or his pretty eyes.

“Gonna be a fun one.” Yuchan spoke first, and Donghun snapped from his thoughts as they walked. “I’ve never worked a Greek wedding before.”

“Mm. They’re a lot of fun. And the food is something else.”

Yuchan grinned. “Can’t wait.”

And then came the awkward quiet again. Donghun decided to fill it by talking firmly about work.

They walked through the grounds together. They were extensive – the country house was nestled in a huge swathe of gardens, petitioned into segments by great hedges and trees turning burnished copper as winter days robbed the last of autumn’s residual heat. The place reminded him of Alice in Wonderland – beautiful flower beds spilling onto neat lawns, and secret spots with delicate pagodas. Donghun had worked a few weddings here, and took Yuchan around the best places for photo opportunities.

“Imagine getting married here,” Yuchan commented as they headed back to the carpark.

“Imagine having the money to get married here,” Donghun corrected, stopping as he got to his car. “Well… That’s everything. Do you need anything else from me?”

“Um… I don’t think so.” Yuchan scuffed his toes on the gravel. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, later, then.”

Donghun let him get as far as turning away before he caught his wrist. “Actually, I think you do need something else from me.”

“Do I?” A faint smile crept onto Yuchan’s face, and Donghun pressed his lips to the photographer’s.

_Don’t think. Just do._

“Yeah. That.” Donghun pulled away, forcing a nonchalant expression onto his face. “Now you can go.”

It didn’t quite go to plan, because Yuchan stole another kiss from him, and this one made his knees go weak and he let out a noise that belied how un-nonchalant he was.

Yuchan grinned. “See you in the morning.”

~

Greek weddings really were some of the best – up there with Indian weddings, in Donghun’s opinion. All in all, his exposure to different cultures had made him feel painfully cheated to have been born in Korea. He would always think the _hanbok_ an outfit of pride, but the wedding ceremonies back home were far humbler than those he saw here with people of different backgrounds.

Today took place in two locations: the church, and the reception venue. There were a _lot_ of people and a _lot_ of elements, and Donghun barely had a moment to breathe before they arrived at the big country house with its floral grounds.

Things ran smoothly, though – he’d be damned before a big guestlist or a long catalogue of traditions prevented him from overseeing a perfect day. He finally had time to pause in the afternoon as guests gathered for photos on the lawn with the happy bride and groom.

Donghun loosed a second button on his floral shirt, glad for a moment of respite. He leaned back on a low wall, watching Yuchan organise dozens of friends, uncles and bridesmaids into the right places. Donghun’s eyes lingered on the photographer. His hair was swept back today, dressed in a plain white shirt with his sleeves rolled up as always, and tucked into checked grey dress pants. On anyone else, the white converse he wore with them would be annoying, but… Donghun felt a stab of something below his naval, and couldn’t quite bring himself to internally critique anything about the way he looked right now.

There was a peel of laughter as Yuchan said something to the bridal party, and two of them couldn’t stop giggling, their prosecco glasses tipping precariously. Donghun felt a flicker of a smile pass his lips. There was something about Yuchan, and he couldn’t put his finger on it. He put people at ease. Hell, he’d teased out Donghun’s life story so easily, and he’d won Kai’s heart instantly. Neither of those things were straightforward. He was always smiling, a laugh never far from the surface. And people gravitated to that warm sunshine.

When the formal photos were done, Yuchan thanked everyone and began to pack away his camera. He glanced up, as though he sensed being watched, and smiled, heading over.

“Nothing better than getting checked out at a wedding…” he said, clicking through the photos on the camera around his neck.

Donghun scowled. “Cocky of you. Who’s checking you out?”

Yuchan looked up, an eyebrow raised. “You.” Donghun snorted, but it only made Yuchan’s smile widen. “Don’t pretend you’re not.”

“Well…” Donghun shrugged, looking out over the lawns as though disinterested. “I can stop.”

“Ah, no,” Yuchan said – a bit too quickly, and Donghun started to grin. “I quite like getting checked out by the hot long-haired wedding planner…” Donghun stayed turned away, still mock-offended. “…who’s a really good kisser.”

It was such a playground compliment, but it broke through Donghun’s defences. He turned a smirk on Yuchan, who had gone that fresh pink shade again.

“Well, maybe we’ll have to spend some more time together outside of work soon.” Donghun said it casually, while brushing off his slacks and starting to head inside, but Yuchan jumped after him, and his voice turned eager.

“Yeah! I mean… I’d like that.”

God, he was keen, and it was cute.

“Well, better go check and make sure everyone’s doing alright.” Donghun turned back, meeting Yuchan’s eyes. He looked away casually, but it was because the eye contact made his stomach flip. “Oh, Yuchan?” The photographer had already turned his camera back on, ready to get more shots. He looked up, and Donghun leant a little closer, lowering his voice. “I was checking you out. You’re unbearably attractive today.”

He’d meant it not as a tease, only meant it to be honest – but he heard Yuchan swallow audibly.

Donghun was a consummate professional, and no matter what, nothing would get in the way of him doing an excellent job. But after that moment, he couldn’t seem to stop catching Yuchan’s eyes across the room. Whenever they were in the same place, he found himself glancing repeatedly in his direction, and catching those little looks in return.

It was agonising.

Donghun hadn’t had a crush in _years_. Life didn’t make room for it: his number one priority, for the three or four years since he had been single, had been Kai. And moving to the States, and settling into a new country, and establishing himself in the area as one of the best in the wedding industry. There had simply been no room for anything else. No crushes allowed. And definitely no crushes at _work_.

That wasn’t going so well right now.

When food had been served, and everyone was seated, Yuchan appeared at Donghun’s side as he finished speaking to a server. He played with his camera as though merely standing beside him, deliberating his next shots.

“You’re killing me…” It came as a whisper out of the corner of Yuchan’s lips, and Donghun didn’t remove his gaze from the wedding guests, although his eyebrows shot up half an inch.

“Me? What have I done?”

“You keep looking at me like that…”

“Me? _You_ keep staring at _me_!”

“I’m just trying to take photos!”

“I’m just trying to run a wedding!”

“Just… stop smouldering at me.”

“Yuchan, I wouldn’t know how to smoulder if I tried.”

“You’re full of shit.”

They both tried, they really did, but they both started to laugh, trying desperately to contain it. There it was again: the feeling of sunshine.

“Well, I’ll try to stop being… ‘unbearably attractive’, right?” Yuchan grinned, and Donghun scowled. “I’ve got to go take pics but… one more thing?” He tilted close to Donghun’s ear, and proceeded in a whisper. “I keep staring at you because I’m undressing you in my head, and I keep thinking about how you might look under your clothes.”

And with that, he shot Donghun a cheerful smile, and went back to taking photos, laughing with the guests.

Donghun suddenly found it quite hard to move from the spot.

The glances carried on as tables were cleared, speeches were finished and music heralded in the night. And with them came the brushing of fingers when they were stood next to each other, and a sharp intake of breath when Donghun put his hand on Yuchan’s back to gently move him out of the doorway he was chatting to a guest in.

Both their duties wound up late-evening, and Donghun fetched himself his usual wine spritzer before heading off. He went down to the little room near reception where he had left his things.

He found Yuchan packing up his kit.

“Hey. All done?”

Yuchan looked up. “Yeah.” His customary smile didn’t spring to his face. Instead, he got to his feet, and for a moment they just looked at each other.

Donghun responded instantly to Yuchan tilting his head closer. He felt like a coiled spring, wound tighter and tighter all day until mere fingertips could trigger him to burst. He kissed him hard, wrapping his arms around his neck and pressing himself flush against the other boy. Fingertips touched his ribs, his waist, and a firm hand slid down his back and came to rest tucked into the waistband of his slacks.

Donghun jerked like he had been touched by a live wire. Even with the bottom of his shirt keeping those fingertips from his skin, it made sparks crackle across his body.

Teeth were on his bottom lip, his ear, and then Yuchan had him picked up – just the way he’d carried him into his bedroom last week – and pressed his back against the wall.

“What is it with you and picking me up?” Donghun managed, wrapping his thighs around Yuchan and kissing his neck. His lips drew out his own name from Yuchan, and it sounded deliciously close to a moan. “Yuchan… we need to get out of here.”

His words seemed to pierce some hedonistic bubble Yuchan was inside of, because he let Donghun down, pulling away without letting go. He nodded, eyes dilated. “Yeah.”

“Come with me.”

Donghun took Yuchan’s hand, and a tug made him stumble after him.

He pulled their fingers apart as they skirted the lawns. Most of the guests were drunk, and mid-conversation, and were definitely not going to notice two members of staff slinking through the gardens, but Donghun and Yuchan kept their steps quick to avoid being noticed. Across the main lawn, through the rose garden, and skirting around the wide pond filled with water lilies…

“Where are you-”

Yuchan’s question was answered when Donghun pulled him by the arm around the corner of a hedge, and straight into one of the wooden pagodas that stood in the gardens.

It was hexagonal, in a Japanese style, the lower half trellised and the upper half open beams, with garden sofas inside set around a low table. It was almost dark, but for the light from the building filtering distantly through gaps in the hedge.

He didn’t need to explain to Yuchan what he was thinking.

His first thought was that Yuchan looked good on his back.

His second thought was that he looked even better with the buttons of his shirt prised open.

That’s where Donghun got to, before a moment of hesitation caught him like a fishing line hooked in his lower belly. It rooted there, a seed of discomfort. It had been a long time… Nearly four years alone, and his insecurities hadn’t had anyone to bounce off. It didn’t matter what he thought of himself, and his body, when he knew no one was ever going to see him. But here, straddled over Yuchan’s stomach, old insecurities took their chance to come lurking out of the box inside of which they were stashed away.

Old insecurities, and old words, from a girl for whom he hadn’t been good enough.

But this wasn’t her. This was Yuchan, and it was his frantic hands struggling on the buttons of Donghun’s shirt and leaning up to yank it off him. His eyes that immediately swept over his body, drinking in each shoulder dimple and faded stretchmark on his arms and the appendix scar like a twisted wire across his stomach.

“Holy fuck, just look at you.”

It silenced the self-doubt like someone had put a bullet through it.

Donghun leaned down, cupping his face as he kissed him, his position awkward and the sofa not quite wide enough for his knees. But it didn’t matter, nothing did, only the white-hot craving that had chased him through the whole day. The skin of their chests touching only amplified the roaring arousal in his veins, and when he shifted to lie over him properly, Yuchan pressed his hips upwards in that precise movement he’d had to call an end to last Friday night.

Donghun couldn’t wait a second longer, he reached a hand down and pressed it firmly into the hardness at the front of Yuchan’s slacks. Yuchan jolted – and jolted them both right off the seating and onto the floor.

Their breath left them quickly, and they both burst out laughing.

“Hey,” Yuchan murmured, a grin still on his face. “I didn’t ask you to stop.”

Yuchan’s words put an imaginary foot on the accelerator. They scrabbled away to take care of their own remaining clothes, and then stopped, staring at each other just long enough to get a full look at each other’s bodies. Then Yuchan had him pinned _down_ , and his hands were all over him, all at once. Just when it was enough to make Donghun let out a small whimper, kisses on his hipbone became sudden wet heat that sank down around him, all lips and tongue.

His brain short-circuited.

No teasing, no tasting, no warning. Donghun’s hips lurched up, seeking more, even though it was already too much to handle. The muscles in his thighs went taught, and quivered, and he was almost certain that the uneven keens he could hear were coming from his own throat.

“Shh…” The warm mouth left him and he was almost glad of the reprieve. A gentle hand slipped over his lips instead, followed by a grinning face looking down into his. “Boy, you sure get worked up, huh…”

If Donghun had had any of his usual presence of mind, he was sure he would have protested to that with a scowl and a witty remark. But it was far too late for that, and all he could do was reach down, make his shaking fingers return some of that pleasure and watch Yuchan’s smile slide away into open-mouthed satisfaction.

Donghun stayed quieter. He stayed quieter when he was grinding up into a firm hand, he stayed quieter through the fingers tugging his hair loose just as he liked it, and through the mouth sucking a dark mark onto his collarbone. He did not stay quiet when Yuchan knelt him against one sofa and pressed inside him.

If it had been a long time since he’d been with someone, it had been a longer time since he had been with someone like _this_.

It felt good - it felt good just because it did and good because it was Yuchan and good because it made him feel wanted. But better still was the muscular arm that encircled him around the middle, gripping him tight. Partly for better purchase, but also for affection, to bring Donghun in closer. Donghun’s knees slid a little, and his face pressed against the cushion, his hands stretched out and reaching desperately for purchase. It was for the best he couldn’t see Yuchan, right now, because he was sure that he’d look insanely gorgeous and _ah-_

It was hearing Yuchan’s breath hitch harder and harder, feeling him growing tenser and the arm yanking him in painfully tight. And then that boy went still, and whimpered, his fingers digging into Donghun’s hip as though to keep himself grounded to earth. That was enough – Donghun reached down to touch himself, and his back arched, his toes curled, and he let out a choked noise.

The night felt very cold and quiet as he returned to his own body.

Yuchan was laughing.

“What?” he said, almost accusatorily, even though his voice cracked on the word.

“Nothing.” When Donghun turned to face him, he found Yuchan grinning, knelt on the floor and wild-haired. “…Reckon anybody heard us?”

“Reckon anybody _saw_ us…” Donghun corrected, and found that he couldn’t quite bring himself to care about either. He leaned over, smiling, and kissed Yuchan: found some insane pleasure in kneeling here, with the cold air on their bare skin, and kissing him as the aftershocks faded into satiation.

They dressed quickly, struggling through their still-shaking legs. As they did up the final buttons on their shirts, Yuchan turned to him, pulling on his hair to tame it.

“So… you wanna meet up for something that isn’t work next week?” Yuchan asked, his eyes hopeful.

“Yeah.” Donghun rubbed the cold from his arms as they began to walk back through the gardens. He thought, reluctant to leave Kai for another whole evening when he’d been away for so many Saturdays through work. Even though the little boy loved Byeongkwan and had fun with his babysitter, Donghun felt a wave of guilt for not always being able to be there with him. “It’s just Kai… I need to work out a sitter and things…”

“Of course. Well, I owe you dinner, don’t I? You can come over, and Kai can come too? I’ll get rid of my housemate for a night.”

Donghun smiled. His offer was extremely sweet. But he was very reluctant to start involving Kai in whatever _he_ was getting involved in. It was very different, letting Kai play with a colleague from work, and introducing Kai to an environment where he might see them kiss, or exchange touches. He was only four, but he was old enough to ask questions, and there was no way Donghun was going to risk confusing him.

“How about we go out for dinner? I’ll just have to let you know a day tomorrow, once I’ve sorted someone to take care of Kai.”

“That sounds great.”

They stopped at the carpark, the sounds of laughter and music washing out on the night air. Donghun pulled out his keys.

“Goodnight.” Yuchan smiled, and squeezed his hand once. He headed for his own car. “Hey – let me know when you get back safe.”

Donghun let out a long breath as he slid into the driver’s seat. The day had him reeling. _Let me know when you get back safe_. Sure, it had been a long time since he’d flirted with someone through too-long glances. A long time since he’d had sex, let alone rip-your-clothes-off can’t-wait-any-longer outdoor sex. But hell, if that wasn’t the thing that threw him the most: because it had been a long time since someone had cared enough to ask him to message when he got home.

Still reeling, he hit the ignition with another long exhalation.

~

Donghun had insisted on the early start, and had brought Yuchan a coffee to compensate. The next wedding had been all the way down in Santa Maria, and the four-hour drive after a crazy day’s work had been too much. He’d booked two rooms at the venue and offered to do the drive, saving Yuchan the mileage and sparing them both the boredom of an eight-hour round trip on their own.

Two rooms – Donghun had booked them like he didn’t know they would only need one. After last weekend’s furtive adventure to the pagoda had left bruises on his knees, it had been pleasant to slip into an actual bed with him. But even though it was their second time, and even though they’d also spent a really fun evening out for dinner on Thursday, Donghun had woken up with his back to Yuchan, curled up protectively in his own space, like his body couldn’t accustom to letting his guard down.

“It’s so early…”

In the passenger seat, Yuchan looked only half-conscious, his messy hair tucked under a beanie and his fingers clinging to his coffee like it was lifeblood. Donghun smirked.

“You’re twenty-four, you’re supposed to be full of youth and energy.” He shot him a look sidelong. “Wait until you get to the wrong side of twenty-five.” He pulled out his phone and tossed it over to him. “Put some music on and wake yourself up.”

Yuchan perked up at that, and started scrolling through Donghun’s library. It was followed by a raised eyebrow.

“Pop punk classics… Japanese lo-fi… Soft house…” Yuchan shot him a smirk. “Is your music taste having a personality crisis?”

“Oh, shut up.” Donghun rolled his eyes, switching hands on the wheel so he could drink his own coffee.

Yuchan laughed and reached over to squeeze his arm briefly, still looking through the playlists. Such a small affection, and one that came so easily to that happy-go-lucky boy…

Several hours later, Donghun dropped Yuchan outside a small but frankly beautiful little white house built in the classic American style, on a street of houses with mismatched gardens of pebbles and lawns. Donghun fought not to raise his eyebrows. He supposed this was life when you were a young professional with no kids and no responsibilities – and freedom to spend all your money on a nice place instead of toys and tiny clothes.

“Mm,” Yuchan complained through Donghun’s deep kisses goodbye. “Stop it, or I swear to god I’ll fuck you right here in your car in broad daylight.”

Donghun snorted hard, and gave him a playful shove to make him leave. “Go on, get moving, exhibitionist.”

Yuchan grinned as he shut the door, jogging up the steps to his shared place.

Donghun was still smiling as he pulled off the estate, but his mind had already switched to someone else. He practically leaped out of the car and ran up the steps to the apartment, taking them two at a time. A spare key hung on his keyring and he let himself in.

A pair of bright downturned eyes turned to him, and then a whole small face lit up.

“Daddy’s home!”

“There’s my little man!” Donghun swept Kai off his feet the second he ran to him, hugging him tight and burying his face in his hair. “Oh, I missed you, little star.”

“I missed you.”

Byeongkwan stood up from the kitchen table, absolutely unphased by the terrible lipstick and bright blue eyeshadow that Kai had painted onto his face.

“Hey, Kwan. How was he?”

“Good as gold.” Byeongkwan smiled at Kai with a wink. He looked back at Donghun. “He missed you a bit last night though.”

Donghun felt a sharp twinge of guilt. He hated being away for a single night, and knowing that he had been happily enjoying himself with Yuchan while leaving Kai behind made him even guiltier. He popped Kai down on the floor and took his hand instead.

“Come on then, give your Uncle Kwannie a big hug and say thank you.”

“Thank you Uncle Kwannie! I love you a… a hundred!”

Donghun got Kai tucked safely into the back seat and hopped back in the front. He glanced at him in the rear-view mirror. “Wanna go play in the park?”

“Yeah!”

Sometimes, Donghun wondered who loved the park more: Kai or him. It was a big space set next to the garden centre with the rose gardens, and it had the best swings, and the best slides, a climbing frame and a little roundabout that the kids like to spin on until their heads were dizzy. When they came in the early mornings, or on some rare evenings, the park was completely quiet, like it was built just for him and Kai. And that’s when Donghun played on the swings too, and sat Kai on his lap to take on the big slides, and he would grin and feel a whooshing in his stomach that made him remember that he was barely more than a kid himself.

Today, there were a couple of other kids running around, and Kai pulled from Donghun’s hand to go running off to his favourite slide. Donghun watched him, affectionate.

“I’m not just saying this, but he’s adorable.”

Donghun glanced up, and smiled at the two men who stood nearby. They were considerably older than he was, and wore similar easy smiles.

“I don’t know where he gets it from, to be honest.” Donghun smiled as they laughed, and the man who had spoken held out his hand.

“Alex. And this is my husband, John.”

“Donghun. Which one’s yours?”

John nodded at the climbing frame; a little girl Kai’s size was doing an impressive job of clambering skywards, a determined tongue between her lips. “That’s Emily. She’s just turned five.” He smiled. “Hope you don’t mind me saying, but you’re mighty young to have a little’un.”

Donghun nodded. “Who needs their twenties, right…”

Out on the playground, Kai had been distracted from the slides. He watched Emily climb higher, his eyes round and his finger in his mouth. Then, looking determined, he grabbed hold of the first rung. Donghun took an automatic step forward, paternal instinct kicking in and wanting to react by protecting his baby. But he fought it – Kai had to learn his own limits, and learn how to overcome them, even if it meant a few bumps along the way.

Emily saw Kai struggling from her perch at the top of the frame. Confident, she swung down onto her hands and dropped to the floor. Kai looked at her, fear on his face, as she approached him.

“Are you stuck?”

Kai shrank back, his eyes going round and scared as they did when he got shy. But Emily put her hands on his back, and helped prop him up while he found his footing. The worry faded from Kai’s face, and he grinned, beginning to climb with his new friend helping him along.

For the next half an hour, Kai and Emily ran from game to game, clambering up slides backwards and pushing each other on the swings. Eventually, Donghun – now sat on the fence with Alex and John – called Kai back over. The two youngsters came running over, and Donghun slid down, propping a loving hand on Kai’s hair.

“Bye Kai! Let’s play again!”

Alex chuckled, taking his daughter’s hand. “Shall we swap numbers? Seems like these two get on. We could have a play date, if you and your other half want to?”

“Yeah, of course.” Donghun pulled out his phone. “It’s… just me though. No other half.”

“Really?” Alex seemed momentarily shocked, and then he looked down to put his number in Donghun’s phone. “Well… all the more reason for new friends.” Donghun wasn’t quite sure if he was still talking about Kai, but he gave a grateful smile.

Kai waved little fingers. “Bye-bye Emily…”

Donghun was deep in thought as he and Kai walked hand in hand through the rose gardens. Even now, with the colder weather setting in, the flowers were beautiful, their scent like warm honey. They found a bench among some of the prettiest blooms to eat the sandwiches they’d picked up from the store, and they sat facing each other, cross-legged.

“I like Emily.” Kai looked happy, taking a big bite out of his sandwich. And then he frowned, and put a hand up to his mouth. “Ow…”

“You okay?”

“My tooth is hurty.”

Donghun put down his own lunch and brushed the crumbs from his fingers, leaning forward to peer into Kai’s mouth. He put a gentle finger out and touched the tooth in question; ever so slightly, it wobbled.

“You’ve got a wobbly tooth, baby.” Donghun felt that great big tug of emotion, the one that came with every milestone in Kai’s life. It was earlier than he’d been expecting, but boy, Kai was growing up fast. “It’s exciting! When it falls out the tooth fairy will bring you some pocket money!”

Kai poked at the tooth, and then apparently got bored of the novelty and went back to his sandwich. They ate quietly for a minute, honeybees buzzing lazily in the petals around them.

“Daddy?”

“Mm?”

“Why am I brown?” Kai looked completely unbothered by his very big question, putting down his crust next to the others he had nibbled around. “Emily is pink.”

Donghun stopped, mouth open and halfway to a bite. His eyebrows shot up, and he decided to proceed with the mouthful to give himself a beat to think.

“Well,” he said eventually, stroking a crumb from Kai’s chin. “Different people have different skin colours. Just like how people can have black hair, or yellow hair, or red hair.” He finished off his food and pulled Kai onto his knee. “It’s just like your teddies. Blue Teddy has blue skin, and Red Bear has red skin, and we love them both the same. It doesn’t matter what skin colour a person has.”

Kai nodded, his question apparently answered to his satisfaction. Donghun retied the shoelace on his small sneaker. He thought about the stack of children’s books back home that he had deliberately bought for their Asian and POC characters, desperate to make sure Kai saw himself on the pages of his books. A lot of them had been aimed at a higher reading level than Kai was at when he’d bought them, and he made a mental note to go back through them and reassess which ones he could get reading to his boy.

“Emily had two daddies too.” Donghun swallowed, not keen on where this one was going. “But I’ve only got one daddy.”

Donghun bit back his immediate desire to apologise. He stroked Kai’s hair, uncertain. He would tell Kai about his mom; he’d promised himself to never lie to him, and only ever tell him the truth. But he was too young, too precious yet. He needed to grow some more before Donghun could tell him about the absence of his second parent.

“But this one daddy loves you twice as much,” he answered instead, and Kai leaned into Donghun with a happy smile on his face.

“One day you could have a wedding too, Daddy.” Kai wasn’t looking at him to see him shake his head. “What… what is a wedding?”

“Well, it’s when you have a big party with the person you love the most.”

“Who do you love the most, Daddy?”

Donghun kissed his head, taking a deep breath of his strawberry shampoo. “Just you, little star. Just you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed Part III! Thank you so much for your kind feedback so far!
> 
> The whole wedding scene was so fun to write, Donghun has such high defences up and then Yuchan *looks* at him and he crumbles like wet sand…
> 
> Take good care, and see you soon for Part IV!
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly


	4. Part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are blossoming between Donghun and Yuchan - after a heated moment in the gardens of one wedding, they've started to spend more time together, both inside and outside of work. At some point, Donghun is going to have to start answering the question: exactly where is this going? After all, his number one priorities are his work and his son...

Sometimes, Donghun felt guilty for the fact his best friend saw more of his child than he did of him. But whenever he hung out with Byeongkwan, he saw that he held absolutely no resentment about that fact, and it was one of the reasons Donghun was glad to have him in his life.

They sat in Donghun’s front room, eating pizza that was realistically far too greasy and gross, but _so good_ all at once. Byeongkwan wiped his oily fingers on his jeans before reaching to add a splash of rum into Donghun’s freshly poured coke.

“So… How’re things going with Sehyoon?” Donghun asked it casually, like a throwaway statement, but grinned as he saw Byeongkwan looked pained.

“Ugh, don’t.”

“That good, huh?”

“No, it _is_ good.” Byeongkwan shoved more cheesy pizza into his mouth. “That’s the thing. He’s fucking gorgeous.” The words got muffled around his mouthful. “And he’s fun to hang out with. He’s good at art. He’s got his own place and his own friends and his own life. He ticks every box. And we’re not seeing anyone else.”

“So… he’s your boyfriend.”

“Wrong.” Byeongkwan swallowed. “He’s… more like a partner in crime.” He grinned at Donghun’s exasperated eyeroll. “Okay, fine. We’re a thing. But you know… it’s cool. We’re not going to start throwing couples dinner parties or anything any time soon. We just want to have fun, might do a bit of travelling at some point.”

“I’m glad.” Donghun _was_ glad – Byeongkwan pin-ponged between boys at a fascinating pace, and this was the first time he’d ever known him to go back to the same bed more than twice. “So-”

He was interrupted by a noise behind him, and he swivelled quickly to see Kai standing in the doorway in his pyjamas, tears down his face and Blue Teddy in one hand. Immediately, Donghun dropped his pizza and held out a hand.

“Hey sweetheart, what’s the matter?” But Kai didn’t budge, so Donghun jumped up and went and knelt next to him. He reached out to comfort him – and found his pyjamas were wet. “Oh honey, it’s okay.” But Kai still cried in earnest, tears dripping from his chin.

“Do you need a hand?” Byeongkwan got up behind him, but it only made Kai cry harder.

“It’s okay, he gets embarrassed.” Donghun picked up Kai – he couldn’t care less, he was his own flesh and blood – and turned on the bathroom light. “Could you just pull those sheets off while I clean him up?” He wouldn’t ask anyone else, but Byeongkwan had helped looked after Kai for the past three years, and Donghun knew that nothing phased him.

Twenty minutes later, Kai was tucked back up in a dry bed with fresh pyjamas, and he was already nodding off once again when Donghun turned out the light. He re-joined Byeongkwan in the living room and picked up his drink.

“Sorry…” he said, but Byeongkwan frowned.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to apologise?” He sighed. “My best friend has a kid, and I understand that that means your priorities are bigger than just pizza and talking about which guy I’m hooking up with.”

“Thanks.”

“Speaking of which…” Byeongkwan’s voice took on a tone all too nonchalant, and Donghun raised an eyebrow. “I never pry and you know that… but I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

“Well now I’m scared.” Donghun sat back, sipping his rum and coke. “Go on..?”

“At the weekend when you came to pick Kai up – after your overnight at work.” An annoying little smirk was flickering about Byeongkwan’s features.

“What?”

“Well, you were wearing a shirt with a couple buttons undone. And I could have _sworn_ you had a hickey on your chest.”

Donghun felt heat rise on his face very quickly, and he scoffed to cover it. “Oh come on. I was away with work. And I’m twenty-eight, for Christ’s sake, I’m too old for hickeys.”

“Bullshit – you’re going red _right_ now.” Byeongkwan hit him with a condemning point of a finger. “ _J’accuse_ , Mr Lee.”

Donghun thought about lying. But Byeongkwan had him rumbled.

“Okay, okay, fine…” Byeongkwan’s eyes lit up, and Donghun realised after a beat that he was waiting for a full explanation. “I… I took on a new photographer.”

“Yes, I remember.” Byeongkwan did not keep the delighted tone from his voice. He was loving this.

“I mean, at first, I just thought he was a bit of an airhead. Photographers are always pretty and a bit empty. But actually… There’s more to him. But he’s also pretty.”

“Does he have Insta?” Byeongkwan was already whipping out his phone.

“Um… Yeah, he probably follows my work one.”

“Ugh, when will you be a normal young person and get an actual Instagram for yourself.” Byeongkwan worked quickly. “What’s his name?”

“…Yuchan.”

“Got’im.” Byeongkwan’s eyebrows shot up. “Fucking hell, he’s hot!” His eyes glittered. “Go on.”

“Well… We got on alright, and then one evening a few weeks ago he came over on a Friday to drop some albums round. He ended up offering to help me with Kai – Kai really likes him, he’d met him at my work and Yuchan was great with him – and he stayed for dinner. Anyway, he kissed me-” He dodged Byeongkwan’s excited eyes. “- and we sort of made out for a while. Yeah. It was nice.”

“And then?”

Donghun shot him a glare. “And then that Greek wedding from the weekend before last? Well… it got a bit flirty.”

“And..?”

“And… we fucked in the grounds at the wedding reception.”

“WHAT?”

Donghun grinned sheepishly, shushing Byeongkwan. His best friend went quiet but kept staring at him. He knew exactly why this reaction was so big – he had been at Donghun’s side for years, and knew exactly how many people he’d been with romantically since Kai’s mom had left him. And he knew it was all the worse for having not told him these past couple of weeks.

“Yeah. Anyway, then we went for dinner last week, and last weekend we shared a hotel room… hence the hickey.”

“Lee Donghun…” Byeongkwan shook his head slowly, drink abandoned in disbelief. “I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me straight away!” There was a quick slap on Donghun’s ankle. “So… is it fun?”

Flashes of mocking pretend insults, and Yuchan’s unabashed laugh, and kisses in the dark. “Yeah.”

“Good.” Byeongkwan took a bite of now-cold pizza. “So what is it – are you dating?” Donghun pulled a face and Byeongkwan’s eyes flashed. “No! You did this to me earlier.”

“No, we’re not dating.” Donghun shifted to lean back against the sofa, feeling a little uncomfortable. “He’s not… he’s not my boyfriend or anything.”

“Fair enough. Would you like him to be? Or is it just sex?”

“No, it’s not just-” Donghun cut himself off, running his hand through his hair. He sighed and proceeded cautiously. “I don’t really know what it is, Kwan. You know I haven’t done this in a while.”

“I mean… are you seeing each other outside of work? With… your clothes on?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, then, it’s kinda dating…” Byeongkwan gave him a look, and Donghun sighed a second time.

“It’s just not straightforward for me, is it?”

“Because of what Hyunmi did to you?”

Her name twisted a dagger in his chest that had never been extracted.

“Yeah. There’s that. And Kai.” Donghun looked up, all his boyish mirth gone from his face. “You know… He’s my number one priority. I can’t be going on evening dates, or spending weekends with someone. I already have a hard time balancing my job on top of looking after him – and that’s only thanks to you taking him when I need you to.”

“I’d take him some nights if it meant you could go on a date, you know…”

“I know.” Donghun looked at him gratefully. “But it’s not that… He’s four, he’s not fourteen. I can’t keep leaving him. Fuck, I _hate_ being away from him. I _hate_ not being there to read him his bedtime story. And he deserves to be with family for as many hours as possible – and I’m the only family he’s got.”

“So Yuchan… He knows about Kai?”

“Yeah, of course he does. I said, Kai thinks he’s great. Yuchan’s amazing with him – Kai even asked him to read to him.” He had started to light up, but he caught himself. Byeongkwan was wearing a very strange expression. “But that’s the thing. I don’t want Kai getting too attached to anyone I’m seeing. What if it didn’t work out? How would I explain that to him? If he found out I was somehow involved with Yuchan… He’s far too young to get how any of this works.” Donghun played with his bracelet. “And another thing – Yuchan’s just this happy, carefree kid. I have so much _baggage_.”

“So you’re saying he wouldn’t ever understand you, just because of your past with Hyunmi and because you’re a dad?” Byeongkwan sighed dramatically. “Wow, aren’t you the optimist.”

“Shut up.” Donghun rolled his eyes. “I’m just being realistic.”

“Well, do you want to hear my realism?” Byeongkwan turned to face him. “He’s hot, and fun, and he’s good with Kai, and you’re enjoying being around him, and he’s giving you fucking hickeys, so I vote you just chill out for once in your damn life and stop overthinking this. Because you’re overthinking this. Like, a lot.”

Donghun grinned as he got whacked with a cushion from the sofa. “Hey, stop that!”

“I’ll stop if you promise to keep seeing him.”

“I’ll keep seeing him.” Donghun laughed. “I didn’t say I wasn’t going to. I was just-”

“-being boring.” Byeongkwan glared over his pizza, but a smile twitched on his lips. “Now tell me more. Everything. I want the gory details.”

~

There was relentless rain outside. It drummed on the windows, droplets running down the glass like competing rivers. Inside the workspace, it only made the low armchairs and steaming coffees cosier.

Donghun’s legs were stretched out, his laptop balanced on his thighs. His fingers blurred as he typed relentlessly, completely absorbed in his work. For all the glamour and pageantry of wedding days, the rest of his job required a lot of paperwork, and a lot of bureaucracy. Today, he had at least thirty emails to reply to.

“I’ve never heard someone type so loud.” He looked up to find Yuchan raising an eyebrow at him from his own armchair where he was editing photos.

“Is it annoying?” Donghun went back to his email, deliberately hitting the keys twice as loud. He grinned as Yuchan kicked his foot.

On the drive home from Santa Maria, Donghun had made a casual suggestion that they could work together in the week. He only grabbed a couple of afternoons a week while Kai was at pre-school, but being around other adults and away from a sea of toys and clutter helped him rattle through his work. Normally, he liked to be alone, with nothing but the background murmur of other professionals, but there was something strangely pleasant about settling down with Yuchan and both working quietly in the same space.

And so for the past two weeks, they had been here a few times together, which made up for the wedding-free weekends they’d just had.

Donghun glanced up at Yuchan. He had his glasses on, his tongue between his teeth as he edited, as was his habit. He wore a slogan t-shirt that practically drowned him, and tight jeans tucked into boots. As though sensing he was being watched, he glanced up.

“What?”

Donghun sighed dramatically, leaning his head on his hand. He kept his voice low. “Nothing. I just really want to kiss you.”

“Same.” Yuchan cocked an eyebrow. “You’re really distracting.”

They both grinned, before they went back to their respective work.

It was nice, coming here to work, but it wasn’t quite the same as dinners out or nights in hotel rooms. Byeongkwan had taken Kai the one night last week, and Donghun had gone round to Yuchan’s for the first time, for the ‘dinner he was owed’. Despite insisting he wouldn’t, he had stayed until mid-morning, when the tug of going back to Kai had become too much. He had still woken up with his back turned to Yuchan, but the other boy had slipped arms around him from behind, and covered his shoulders with kisses. Donghun could think of no better way to wake up.

“What are you doing for Christmas?” Yuchan stretched his arms over his head, his shoulders clicking.

Donghun shrugged. “Not much.” He thought about the holiday coming up in just two weeks. “It’s just Kai and me, so the whole day is just about making the best day for him, really. Santa Claus brings a bunch of toys and books, and we eat candy for breakfast, and I make Kai all his favourite foods.” He smiled. “I don’t really care much about Christmas, so as long as Kai has a good time, I don’t really mind.”

“What about your family?” Yuchan asked, looking a little bit troubled. “Don’t you see them?”

Donghun made a sceptical expression. “Oh, I don’t see my family. My mom and dad did the whole disowning thing when I had a kid out of wedlock. They’ve never even met Kai.” He chose to look down at his email, rather than at Yuchan. “I _think_ they know I moved to the US. They don’t know I’m pan, though, or that I married Kwan for the residency, none of that. They really did the whole Disney-villain-disowning-parent thing really well.”

Yuchan said nothing, but there was fretful sympathy on his face again. Donghun thought about what he’d told Byeongkwan: _Yuchan’s just this happy, carefree kid. I have so much baggage._ It was true, and on some days like this it felt like a stark contrast.

“What about you?” he asked, reaching for his coffee.

“Oh, no big plans. There isn’t really time with work to go back to Jeju, so I’ll just have dinner with some friends.” He smiled. “Saves me a heck of a long haul over there anyway.”

~

Donghun woke up with a start as a little body came leaping onto him when it was still dark.

“Daddy! Daddy, wake up!”

Donghun groaned, and looked at the clock through bleary eyes. 5:06.

“Kai, baby, it’s so early. We said seven o’clock.”

“But I can’t tell the time.”

“You’ve got a point.” Donghun pulled him up the bed, and under the covers. “Give Daddy ten minutes of cuddles and then we’ll get up.”

Oh _this_ , right here: this was Donghun’s happy place. Warm duvet and a snuggly Kai, all soft dinosaur pyjamas and play doh scent and cuddles. He closed his eyes again, drifting off into an easy rest.

“Daddy, I _know_ you’re asleep again.” It came as an accusation, and when he jolted and opened his eyes again, he found Kai pouting. He raised his head.

“Okay, okay, I’m up.” Kai leaped out of bed in excitement, and yanked his hand.

Last week, Donghun had spent an entire evening turning the living space into some kind of grotto. Not the tasteless, tacky kind in malls, but an actual little slice of winter: tiny, delicate fairy lights twinkled around windows and bookcases; glass icicles hung from shelves; knitted blue stockings were hung on the wall and finally, a beautiful Christmas tree stood in the corner, touched by frost and adorned with white stars. Goddammit, it’s not like he’d thrown a dozen ‘winter wonderland’ weddings and not picked up a thing or two about Christmas decor.

Where last night, the tree had stood alone in its simple pot, now presents spilled out from underneath. Kai ran with a gleeful squeal towards the tree, and Donghun followed, a smile etched into his face. He sat down next to his son, and pointed at one of the tags.

“What does it say?” Kai asked.

Donghun pointed at the words. “‘To Kai, happy Christmas! Love from Santa.’”

Watching Kai’s eyes dance as he opened his presents, for a moment Donghun really did believe in magic.

It was impressive, the speed at which those tiny fingers could get through wrapping paper. Every single present was Kai’s favourite: every colouring book, teddy bear, ball, and dinosaur. He sat in a sea of new things, delighted, and then he looked up at Donghun.

“Mm… I have a present,” he said, pushing himself to his feet.

“Hmm?”

“For Daddy.”

Donghun watched him run back to his room, uncertain. When Kai returned, he held tight to something, and handed it over, looking shy.

It was a very colourful drawing, set in a simple black frame with little fingerprints on the glass. Two people stood holding hands, surrounded by grass, and flowers, and a bright blue sky, and a big yellow sun with a smiley face. The bigger person had yellow hair, drawn in a sprout on top of his head, and the little one had a pencil scribble of black. They were both smiling.

_Kai and Daddy._

Donghun never cried. Not unless something really damn bad happened. But his throat constricted hard, and suddenly he had to blink quickly, and he pasted on a wobbly smile over the top of it all. Kai was looking into his face for a reaction.

“I love it.” He took a steadying breath. “Did you do this at pre-school?”

Kai shook his head. “Uncle Kwannie helped me.”

Of course he had. Donghun swallowed hard, pulling Kai in close and kissing the top of his head. “It’s the best present anyone’s ever given me.” He quickly swiped a tear that had made a bid for freedom. “I love you, little star.”

“I love you Daddy. And I love my _toys!_ ”

For the rest of the morning – and it was a long one, after the 5am rise – they ate chocolate together, and stayed in their pyjamas, and played with toys, until it was time to start making lunch. Donghun had acquired absolutely no taste for the traditional roast dinner people over here had, so had marked Christmas as the day for Kai’s favourites, no matter how weird it was to put them together. Sticky chicken, potato smiley faces, corn on the cobs, cupcakes, pots of jelly... And he could try and pretend it was just for Kai – but in his opinion, his son had excellent taste. What could beat potato smileys?

Donghun was mid-food-prep when the doorbell rang. He hung his tea towel over his shoulder and went to the door, stepping over Kai who was playing with a new set of dinosaurs. Who was calling on Christmas Day?

Yuchan was wearing a nervous half smile when he opened the door.

“Hey…” Donghun stared at him, his hand freezing on the doorframe. “What are you doing here..?” He stood back, nodding Yuchan inside, and then an excited voice piped up.

“Channie!”

Kai came tripping his way over, jumping up into Yuchan’s arms before the boy had had time to register. Yuchan laughed, lifting him up to give him a hug. Donghun watched them, some unidentifiable emotion in his chest.

“Well,” Yuchan said, smoothing back Kai’s hair. “Santa came to my house and he forgot to leave some of your presents here, so he asked me to give them to you.” He nodded at the big bag hanging from the crook of his elbow.

“Really?” Kai’s eyes were saucers, and he looked at Donghun with such unbridled joy he couldn’t help but crease into a smile. Yuchan put Kai down, where he wiggled in a dance of happiness, and ran back to his gifts, telling Yuchan – or anyone who would listen – about the presents Santa had brought that morning.

Donghun watched Yuchan, uncertain of what to say. “You didn’t have to do this…”

“I know.” Yuchan smiled at him. “But I wanted to.”

“Daddy! Can Channie stay for Christmas?” Kai was back on his feet again, looking between them with a shining look of pure hope. Donghun looked at Yuchan carefully.

“Does Channie want to stay for Christmas?” he asked, feeling like his voice belied a little bit too much hope as well.

“Yeah.” Yuchan’s eyes were soft. “I’d love to.”

“Yessssss!” Any more excitement and Kai was going to combust, Donghun was sure of it, but right now, he couldn’t take his eyes off Yuchan. Yuchan fished out the gifts from the bag, and Kai began unwrapping them, his hands going first to a box that rattled. As he pulled back the paper, his mouth formed a little ‘o’, and Donghun stared, stunned.

“Where on earth..?” He trailed off, looking with disbelief at the dinosaur Duplo set that Kai had so desperately wanted – the one he had told Yuchan about as the one thing on Kai’s wishlist that he hadn’t been able to get a hold of, sold out in every store. Yuchan laughed.

“I know people,” he said, tapping the side of his nose.

Donghun struggled. “Yuchan…” That strange tightness was back in his throat. “I… Um… Are you sure you want to stay? I mean, lunch is going to be wild, it’s like… well, it’s like a four-year-old picked the menu.”

Yuchan grinned. “I can deal with that. I don’t want to put you out though, I mean, I have sprung this on you-”

“No, no… Please stay.”

“’Kay. Happy Christmas.”

“Yeah… happy Christmas.”

Kai was distracted by his gifts, and Donghun was feeling overwhelmed. Glancing once at his son, he tilted his face up and kissed Yuchan gently, one hand on his cheek.

If he was honest, Donghun had never liked Christmas. Back in Korea, it wasn’t nearly as big a deal as over in the US, but it was a public holiday that his family used to get together, and with it there had always been arguments. A couple of years spent with his ex’s family hadn’t been much better, because they made absolutely no pretence about their feelings towards the boy who wasn’t good enough for their daughter, and especially the one who got her pregnant. And then Kai had come along and it had become just the two of them, and things had improved enormously, but it was just a day for Kai. Not for him.

Today was different.

Yuchan helped Donghun with the last of the food prep, snaffling mouthfuls when he thought Donghun wasn’t watching. They sat down as the three of them, pulling crackers – letting Kai win them all – with Christmas songs playing as they ate the weirdest and best lunch together. In the afternoon, they played with toys, Yuchan’s dinosaur voices making Donghun laugh until he was shaking, and watched pretty animated Christmas movies, as Kai drank juice and Donghun opened a bottle of champagne a bride and groom had gifted him a while back.

By the evening, they were so stuffed full of chocolate, and leftovers, and sleepy from all the excitement, they piled onto the sofa mid-movie and Kai began to nod off. His head lolled against Yuchan’s arm from his place sat between them.

“I should get him to bed,” Donghun murmured from his place with arms and head pillowed on the sofa arm. He yawned, sitting up. “Come on, little star.”

He got a sleepy Kai into his pyjamas and put him to bed, the little boy fast asleep before Donghun could suggest a story. He flicked on the star nightlight and kissed his forehead, shutting the door quietly behind him.

“All tucked in?” Yuchan asked as Donghun reappeared, and Donghun nodded, rejoining him on the sofa. Yuchan smiled. “He was so goddamn cute today.”

“So were you.” Donghun looked at him, still catching up on how this day had gone. “I don’t really know what to say. Everything… the way you played with Kai, his presents… just you being here.” Donghun wasn’t quite sure what he was saying, so he ended with a helpless shrug.

Yuchan looked serious, for once. “I just wanted you to have a good Christmas too. You pour all your energy into looking after Kai and giving people magical days… You deserve someone to make things special for you, for once.”

The kiss that followed was simple, the kind that are full of softness and warmth. Donghun looped his arms quietly around Yuchan, enjoying the feel of his mouth against his own, and the way Yuchan’s fingers automatically slid into his long hair.

They settled back down to watch a movie of their own choosing, and Donghun pulled Yuchan between his legs, letting him lie against him and playing with his dark hair.

When he woke up, an hour later, Yuchan was also asleep against him, breathing softly.

“Hey,” he whispered, turning off the TV and nuzzling Yuchan’s head. “Bedtime.”

Yuchan stripped down to underwear before sliding under the covers with a happy sigh. Donghun smiled down at him as he pulled off his own jeans, joining him and pulling him in close.

“Did you have a good day?” Yuchan spoke in a murmur, nuzzling Donghun’s face with his nose. Donghun shut his eyes, the brief kisses on his forehead and cheeks a little bit of heaven.

“The best day. The best Christmas. Probably ever.”

“Me too.”

“Thank you.” Donghun opened his eyes, wanting the put across his sincerity. “Really. For today.”

“It’s okay. Thank you for letting me stay.”

Donghun kissed him, shifting closer so their bodies met; touching chests, meeting hip bones, legs wound together. Yuchan was all heat and friction, and it drove Donghun to kiss him deeper, as though the firmer their lips met and the deeper his tongue curled into his mouth, the more Yuchan would understand the tumult of ways today had made him feel.

How else could he show it? Through tugging gently at his ear with his teeth? Through brushing his lips down the inside of his arm, kissing each finger in turn, then his palm, then the rougher skin on the back of his hand? Through slipping down between his legs and tasting him, in the precise way he knew worked like a spell, the way that made him tremble and made his breath unsteady? He tried all those things, in the hope that somehow, they might work.

Yuchan had learned quite quickly how to pin both Donghun’s wrists above his head with one hand, and use the other to stroke him, in a way that came across as considerably masterful. There was something underneath the ease at which Yuchan was domineering that Donghun wanted to scratch beneath the surface of, some other time – and it was a thought that came up often when he was in bed alone at night. If anyone else held him down, held him captive, Donghun knew he would hate it, but with Yuchan it just made all his responsibility swim away. Someone else taking control, someone else being in charge… He relented to it keenly, murmurs leaving his lips, offering up no fight.

“Can we..? I mean..?” Yuchan breathed it against his neck, throwing a glance at the wall and with it indicating the room next door. Donghun nodded.

“Let’s keep it quiet.”

What that meant was first a hand over Donghun’s mouth. He let out whines into the palm pressing on his lips, Yuchan’s hips moving so slow and _so_ intoxicating he wanted to give in to the pleasure immediately. Then the hand was replaced with a pair of lips, ones that didn’t pull back as he moaned into them, the sounds dampened by the kiss that stifled them.

Donghun expected things to speed up, switch positions, but he realised nothing was going to change. He stayed pressed on his back, Yuchan’s lips moving briefly to his neck, to his hair, and then coming back to his mouth again – and the rhythm stayed constant, not a race this time but a consistent roll of absolute bliss.

Donghun’s breath began to hitch, every muscle tightening, and Yuchan’s hand slid to his cheek.

“Wait for me,” Yuchan whispered. Donghun looked up at him helplessly, trying to hold back. “Wait for me, baby boy, let me get there…”

He tried. But it was right there, in those words: _baby boy_. Outside the bedroom, Donghun would have crinkled his nose in disgust, but here they shot a whip-sharp wave of desire straight to his abdomen. Like he was _his_ boy. Yuchan’s boy. It swept over him in hot floods that set him whimpering and twitching, grabbing onto Yuchan’s hips as he worked him through it. Yuchan didn’t have to play catchup for long – he pressed his lips firmly against Donghun’s to silence himself, his hand sinking into the thigh he had hitched up as his movements went erratic.

“Fuck, I lo- …Yeah.” Yuchan’s words came out in an explosive breath, and fell on deaf ears. Donghun still had a cold sweat on his chest.

“My god.” It was half groan, half sigh, and he still couldn’t open his eyes.

Donghun was still quivering as he wrapped his arms around Yuchan, only able to move enough to lie his head against his chest. He listened to his heart beating triple time.

Yuchan kissed the top of his head, fervently nuzzling his hair, and Donghun fell asleep like that – affection pressing into his skin, arms holding him tight – darkness drawing in on the best Christmas he’d ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter - I hope you enjoyed it! I'm enjoying writing Donghun and Yuchan so much - especially stubborn, sarcastic but secretly-soft Donghun. 
> 
> Things are about to take an interesting turn next chapter...
> 
> Side note: I bought potato smileys after writing this.
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly


	5. Part V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghun is slowly thawing - despite voicing his reservations to Byeongkwan, feelings between him and Yuchan are deepening. And after the perfect Christmas day together with Kai, it was almost a glimpse of the way things could always be...

“Kai, come on, little man. We need to get going.”

Donghun tied up his own hair quickly, glancing into Kai’s bedroom where the little boy was putting toys into his bag. He had a pout on his face, the one he got when he was grumpy, or tired, or both. Sometimes that pout felt uncanny to Donghun, because he knew that it was _definitely_ identical to the one he himself was prone to using when he was feeling stroppy.

Donghun grabbed his own backpack and shimmied it onto his shoulders, closed up the apartment windows and went back to Kai. He was sat down now, playing with a soft toy.

“No, come on, no time to play.” Donghun gently prised the tortoise from his hands and put it on the bed, pulled Kai up with one hand and grabbed his bag. “Let’s get your shoes on.”

Sometimes, shifting a tiny child out of the house felt like a monumental struggle. Most days, Kai zoomed around, doing as he was told, and then there were days like today, where he didn’t want to get dressed, and he didn’t want to work the Velcro on his shoes, and he didn’t want to put on his coat. It was one of the reasons Donghun’s pet peeve was lateness; if he could get himself to work on time with a cranky child putting up a fight, so could everyone else.

At least the dinosaur he had with him kept him quiet for the car ride. Donghun fetched out Kai’s things, and walked him upstairs to Byeongkwan’s apartment.

“There’s my favourite father son combo.” Byeongkwan hung in the doorway, looking remarkably chipper, and kept the front door open.

“Yeah, I’m not sure you’ll say that when you get a load of his mood today,” Donghun muttered out of Kai’s earshot, but any remaining dry comments died on his lips as he glimpsed someone heading stealthily from the bedroom door behind him to the front door Byeongkwan held open. The boy was absurdly handsome, and caught Donghun’s eyes with a guilty half-smile. Byeongkwan murmured something to him, and then shut the door behind him and smiled like nothing had happened.

“Now where’s my favourite kiddo…” he said, heading over to ruffle Kai’s hair.

“Um, firstly, who was _that_?” Donghun folded his arms, shooting Byeongkwan a look.

“That was Uncle Kwannie’s friend Sehyoon.” Byeongkwan continued the child voice, but he couldn’t keep the grin from his face.

“Jeesh.” Donghun’s eyebrow was raised. “You’ve done well.” He leaned down to where Kai was still clinging to his leg. “Come on then, little star, Daddy needs to go to work.”

“ _No._ ” It was a firm retort, and Kai tightened his arms.

“Kai…”

“ _No_!” Tears welled quickly in Kai’s eyes, and broke free like a bursting bubble. He sat down stubbornly on the floor, clinging to Donghun’s calf as he started to cry.

The more Donghun tried to pull back, the louder Kai cried, and when Donghun was forced to prise his arms from him, Kai let out nothing short of a scream that made both him and Byeongkwan wince.

“Kai, come on, come to Uncle Kwannie. We’re going to have loads of fun!” Byeongkwan picked him up, but Kai struggled against him, his face going pink and soaked with tears.

“No! No! _I want Daddy!_ ”

It was a perfect blend of heartbroken and petulant, and Donghun hesitated, the sound of his sobs cutting through him like a warm knife through soft butter. Kai was a good boy and a quiet kid for his age, but when he did get upset, his tantrums could shoot from zero to a hundred. Byeongkwan looked uncharacteristically flustered, trying and failing to soothe his tears.

Donghun had to steel himself. It was for his own good – he would kill for Kai’s happiness, but he wouldn’t coddle him. He took a deep breath.

“Kai Lee, that is _enough_.” His voice was firm as steel, and Kai looked at him, shocked into a sniffling hiccup. “Stop it right now. You’re making Daddy cross.”

It stopped the screaming, but teardrops continued to drip down his chin.

“Daddy always goes away.” They were tiny words, in a tiny voice, but it must have been stark on his face the way it stabbed him right in the chest, because Byeongkwan quickly dried Kai’s face and set him down on the table to face him.

“Your dad works _really_ hard for you, little dude. He has to work to buy nice toys and yummy food and then he’ll always come back as soon as he can.”

“Yeah.” Donghun leaned down to Kai’s eyelevel, his heart beating hard. “I have to work hard, but I love you a lot.”

Kai wiped his cheek on his coat sleeve, his lip wobbling. Byeongkwan looked up at Donghun, his eyes sympathetic.

“You get going while he’s quiet. I’ve got this.”

Donghun stood, helpless. He knew he had to leave, and teach Kai that screaming wouldn’t get him what he wanted, but it went against every scrap of paternal instinct that was currently shrieking in his heart. Baby was crying, and he should protect him. He didn’t want to leave, not when Kai wanted to be near him – he should wrap him up close and hold onto him and be the thing that stopped his tears.

“Yeah.” Donghun swallowed, and touched Byeongkwan’s arm gratefully, and kissed the top of Kai’s head before heading to the door.

It was the right thing to do. He was doing nothing wrong. He kept repeating it to himself mentally, but as he slipped into the driver’s seat, he let out a very shaky breath, his heart still thudding. He was used to Kai’s tantrums – that wasn’t the problem. All kids had them, and even the cutest of tots could turn into the spawn of Satan at the blink of an eye.

_Daddy always goes_ _away_.

Donghun swallowed hard. He had always hated leaving Kai behind, but what was he supposed to do? He was alone, and there wasn’t someone else who could be there when he wasn’t. His job meant he could work from home a lot, and it worked well for juggling Kai – it wasn’t like he was the first single parent to need childcare, either. But hearing it from Kai’s mouth, an acknowledgment that he recognised Donghun had to leave a lot, and that he didn’t like it… Donghun felt a great swell of guilt.

Maybe it could be assuaged if he could leave Kai with family – with grandparents, parent-in-laws, a real uncle or auntie… But he didn’t have any. His only family were half the world away, and they didn’t give a fuck.

_Byeongkwan_ is _family. Leaving Kai with him is no crime_.

He told it to himself firmly, starting the engine and focussing on the commute.

Despite the struggle, he got to the communal workspace first. He fetched a coffee and tried to let go of his anxiety before his clients arrived. A somewhat stressful bride and groom, who wanted to meet their photographer and videographer in person to discuss their precise requirements – he needed to have his head in the game.

“Hey.” Yuchan arrived at the same time as their videographer, Amy, and both sat opposite him.

“Hey. How’re things?”

He forced himself into conversation, and then endeavoured to give the couple his full attention when they arrived. On the whole, Yuchan and Amy were more than capable of ensuring the bride and groom were content, and the meeting only lasted the length of a cup of coffee.

“Cool, well I’ll be off for another gig.” Amy smiled jovially. “See you both soon!”

Donghun bid goodbye, draining the last of his americano.

“Hey… What’s up?”

He looked up, snapping from his bubble. Yuchan watched him, gentle concern in his eyes. “Hm?”

“You. You look a little distracted today. Is everything okay?”

Donghun searched his face and then forced a smile. “Yeah, just tired.”

He wanted to tell him. That in itself was a strange feeling. He wanted to let the barriers drop, and tell him about Kai’s tantrum, and what his son had said. He wanted Yuchan’s soothing words and he wanted him to hug him, and stroke his hair, because he had a feeling it would make things better. But something stopped him. He was scared to talk about it and seem like a bad parent, because being a good dad to Kai trumped everything else.

And besides, Yuchan wouldn’t understand. He was just young and full of happiness – he wouldn’t know what it felt like to fear rejection from a child.

They packed their things and headed out onto the street, ready to head their separate ways. Donghun glanced at the clouds looming overhead and sighed, feeling like the sky mirrored his heart.

“Come here.”

Gently, Yuchan pulled Donghun against him, wrapping him in a tight hug and cradling the back of his head. Donghun melted into the embrace, reaching his arms around Yuchan’s waist and closing his eyes. The photographer was in no rush to let him go, even as the first drops of rain splattered onto their heads and people went about their days around them.

“Whatever it is, if you need to talk, just drop me a line, okay?” The words were spoken gently into Donghun’s hair, and he smiled as they pulled apart. “Otherwise I’ll be round tomorrow night to see you.”

“Yeah. Can’t wait.” Donghun kissed him tenderly, grateful for his kindness, even if he didn’t feel capable of sharing how he felt.

~

Donghun hadn’t returned to Korea since the day he left, but he knew the humid warmth the second he woke up. His eyes hadn’t even fluttered open when lips pressed to his. He responded on instinct, leaning up into the affection. When he opened his eyes, a beautiful face looked down into his.

“Mimi,” he whimpered, reaching up to curl his hand around the back of her neck, long black hair tickling his arm.

Hyunmi smiled. Donghun faltered. She should be beautiful. Her face _was_ beautiful. But something was wrong. What was it? Why was something about her face, about _her_ , so _ugly_?

A shrill crying started from a crib across the room.

It was a sound that would always clench a vice around his heart. He leaped out of bed, abandoning his girlfriend, and ran across the room. The room? Where had it gone? He was on the beach, a long, bleak stretch of Korean beach under a winter slate sky. He ran towards the screaming, he knew it belonged to Kai, but the faster he ran the further away Kai’s crib got-

“Yeonsok!” He skittered to a halt at the sight of his elder brother. “Help me, please, I can’t get to Kai, please help me!”

But Yeonsok didn’t move. Suddenly, their parents were there too.

“Babies should be born to a husband and wife,” his mom whispered against his ear. “Bastard babies drown in the sea.”

Donghun recoiled.

“No, no! _Kai_!”

He was running, running, running as his feet skittered underneath him, never drawing closer-

-He woke up with a jolt.

For a moment, the ceiling swirled with outlines of the ocean. As it faded away, he took a deep breath, consciously reminding himself that he was in Oakland, that Hyunmi and his family were nearly six thousand miles away, and Kai was sleeping soundly in the room next door.

…He was, but it didn’t stop Donghun going to check.

Of course, Kai was fast asleep, his arms around Blue Teddy and his lips parted as he dreamed. Donghun crept through the room, where stars shimmered on the ceiling from the nightlight, and sat down carefully on the edge of his son’s bed. The sight of him lying there, tucked in his puppy pyjamas and Moana duvet cover, helped to slow Donghun’s racing heart.

Kai didn’t stir when Donghun pushed his hair from his forehead and planted a kiss there; his head was probably too full of magical creatures and princesses and days in the park. Donghun made a silent wish for all his dreams to be as sweet, even when he grew up.

Back in his own room, Donghun climbed back into bed. Somehow, at four in the morning, the room felt very empty. He pulled up his phone for distraction, clicking through onto the folder of photos of Kai that he always transferred between new phones. Photos from recent play dates, and pre-school parent days… Then Kai in a highchair at Byeongkwan’s, then he was a pudgy-faced baby in nappies… The further Donghun scrolled, the smaller Kai became, like winding back the hands of time.

Eventually, the setting changed, and all the photos of Kai were in Korea. He’d been truly snap-happy back then, wanting to document every second of this beautiful miracle’s arrival in the world. And Donghun would treasure these early photos forever, of a bald, often teary, tiny Kai. But he had to pay a price for keeping them.

He felt a hard twist as he scrolled to a photo of the three of them. Donghun had his arms around both of them – his baby, and his girlfriend. That enormous, unabashed smile on his own face felt alien now, like a pair of jeans he’d grown out of. A family unit, mom and dad… What used to be a burning wrench of hatred was now a dull throb of bitterness, blunted down by the years.

_DongDong and Mimi_. They had been sickly sweet, once upon a time. She would tap his nose, smile, and call him his pet name, looking at him with a love he’d believed wasn’t possible to fake. He’d learned from that – no one’s affections can ever _really_ be trusted. And he’d never worked out why – why she had seen someone else, why she had chosen to have the baby when she knew her heart didn’t belong to Donghun… He had agonised for so long, picking at the scab again and again only to realise that doing so would never give him answers as to what caused the wound.

He had done everything he could. Before she had fallen pregnant, Hyunmi had worked late hours – or so he had thought. So when she found herself with a swollen baby bump and unable to work, Donghun had worked three jobs just to make enough for them to get their own place, and buy what they needed: baby clothes, a cot, a pram, bottles, diapers… All of that, and still it somehow hadn’t been enough.

The clock ticked onwards, and Donghun knew he needed to get some more rest. Trying to free his tired brain of old memories, he lay down, turning off his phone and plunging the room back into darkness.

~

Donghun lay on his front on his bed, watching a movie on the TV hung on his wall. His eyes flickered to the doorway though, and he smiled as Yuchan came back in, his face bright from cleaning up.

“You look cute in your jammies,” he murmured as Yuchan sat on the duvet next to him, rubbing a hand on the small of Donghun’s bare back, and then tracing the waistband of his own pyjama pants. “Mmm, that feels nice.”

“Yeah?” Yuchan slid both hands up Donghun’s back, and began to stroke his shoulders at first, and then press harder to knead at the little knots of bundled stress that clenched there. Donghun groaned, letting his face down to rest on the duvet. “You’re so tense.”

Donghun knew it was because of yesterday, and Kai’s outburst. Later in the day, he had picked up a perfectly happy and smiley Kai, who had been fed and had a nap at Byeongkwan’s and apparently forgotten his own grumpiness as fast as it had come on. But Donghun still felt tired from lying awake worrying about it last night, and from the bad dreams that had plagued him.

Yuchan had come over after a private photoshoot of his own tonight, long after Kai had already been tucked into bed. His presence was soothing, and Donghun felt very keen not to let him beyond arms reach. Now, as his fingers pressed gently into his skin, it was like Yuchan could somehow pluck out his worries and leave behind nothing but bliss.

“Oh god, you’re making me weak…” he whimpered as Yuchan tugged away his hair tie and wound his fingers into his hair, scraping shiver-inducing nails up his scalp. He let him play, until it became almost too much, and turned over underneath him, pulling him down to lie over him.

He still couldn’t put his finger on why kissing Yuchan felt so good. Not just when things were heating up, or moving further – but these moments, content to do nothing more than kiss quietly until their lips tingled. Perhaps it was the way Yuchan’s eyebrows puckered together, like he was concentrating on every connection of their skin, or perhaps it was the way he looked at Donghun when they paused for breath and opened their eyes, like he was seeing someone beautiful for the first time.

“Hey,” Yuchan whispered eventually. Donghun opened his eyes as his hair was stroked back, and he reached up to cup Yuchan’s face, rubbing his cheek with a thumb. “I…” He trailed off.

“What is it?”

“I…” Yuchan looked like he was searching, and then smiled weakly and went pink. “Ah, it doesn’t matter.”

Donghun snorted softly. “You weirdo.”

Donghun wasn’t sure when it was he fell asleep. He nuzzled Yuchan right until he drifted to the brink of dreams, and the next thing he knew was waking up in the morning.

It was the first time he hadn’t woken up with his back to him.

His eyes fluttered open, and with a pang he realised he was still curled against Yuchan, the other boy’s arms wrapped around him as he slept. Waking up to him, he was slammed with a feeling of intense soft affection and fiercely hot desire all at once, and it was a deep emotion he couldn’t quite identify.

Yuchan came around shortly afterwards, yawning with a shuddering stretch above his head.

“Morning. Did you-”

Donghun stopped as the door creaked open, and little footsteps pattered into the room.

“Daddy! Oh, Daddy and Channie.” Kai looked up at them, his hair all mussed from sleep. “Can I get up now?”

“Er, you are up.” Donghun shot a glance at Yuchan as Kai took fistfuls of duvet and yanked himself up onto the bed. He wasn’t sure how he felt about this at all. He gave Kai a kiss and a hug, reaching to tame his hair. “I’m getting up now, little star. Will you let Daddy take a shower and then I’ll make you some breakfast?”

“Yeah!” Kai, apparently unphased by finding Yuchan here in the morning, slid back off the bed and scurried back to his bedroom.

“Sorry…” Donghun hopped out of bed to close the door again quietly, and came back to Yuchan with an apologetic smile. “I’ll teach him to knock, one day…”

“It’s okay.” Yuchan smiled, tucking back Donghun’s hair through a kiss. “Hey. I wanna ask you something.”

“You do?” Donghun raised an eyebrow. “What is it?”

Yuchan met his eyes, holding them for a beat. “What are we?”

The little jolt in Donghun’s chest was unexpected. He held Yuchan’s gaze, the amused raised eyebrow slipping away. What were they? Donghun swallowed.

“What do you mean?”

“Well…” Yuchan smiled coyly, playing with a corner of the duvet. “Us.”

“We’re just ‘us’, right..?” Donghun laughed faintly. “There’s nothing else to it, right?”

For a moment, Yuchan’s pink-faced coyness held. Then it wavered.

“Stop joking around,” he said with a smile, but it was unconvincing. “I mean… Are we..? What’s our relationship?”

Donghun swallowed again. His throat felt sticky.

“You mean..?” He cleared his throat, folding his arms like protection for his chest. “Well, I mean…” He looked at Yuchan, wondering why he couldn’t just read his mind. “We’re on the same page, right? It’s just… what it is.” Yuchan didn’t move, didn’t nod or make a sound of agreement. It forced Donghun to continue. “Well, I don’t believe in love and all of that bullshit. It’s just… not for me. Remember?” He smiled, feeling like he was stating the obvious. “You know I’m not looking for a relationship or anything.”

He met Yuchan’s eyes again, with a shrug he supposed was apologetic. Yuchan’s eyes stayed on his. His blushing anticipation slowly dropped from his face.

“What?”

“What..?” Donghun watched him, and then he realised.

Yuchan hadn’t been expecting that as an answer.

“You’re not…” Yuchan echoed, trailing off as though his voice abandoned him. “But what… What is this?”

“This?” Donghun looked away, then down, then anywhere but Yuchan. “This is just…”

“Just what?!” Yuchan’s voice pitched up a level, and Donghun’s eyes snapped back to him.

“It just _is._ ” He wrung his hands, his heart starting to beat harder.

“What?” Yuchan stared at him, his face pale. “Donghun… I..? You don’t want a relationship? Then what have we been doing? Is this just a hook-up to you?!”

Donghun watched him, feeling suddenly guarded. His walls went up and he sat back, body language turning defensive. But Yuchan spoke again before he could.

“We aren’t on the same page at all. I didn’t think hook-ups included… included putting people’s kids to bed?”

“Now hang on,” Donghun snapped, a frown settling over his face. “You don’t get to use my son to score points with me.”

“Points?!” Yuchan looked at him, aghast. “I didn’t think I had to score points, I… I thought this was something!”

“It _is_ , Yuchan…” Donghun searched his face desperately. “It’s not a hook-up, it’s not just about sex, obviously…”

“But then… why… why don’t you want it to go anywhere?”

“What do you want?” Donghun knelt on the bed, spreading his hands. “Why are you asking, why are you making this into a thing? What do you want?”

Yuchan sat back, his eyes big. “…I want a relationship. With you. I… I want to be your boyfriend.”

Donghun’s heart skipped a beat.

So clear. Donghun watched him, helpless. A small part of his brain acknowledged that never in his life could he be that transparent with his feelings, stating what he wanted from someone clearly and simply. A small part of him felt a lick of excitement, hearing that Yuchan wanted him, but…

But Yuchan couldn’t understand. Yuchan hadn’t been _damaged…_

“Yuchan…” Donghun’s voice softened, and he reached out a hand, but Yuchan didn’t take it. To Donghun’s horror, tears began to glass over Yuchan’s eyes instead. “You don’t. Trust me, you don’t want me as your boyfriend.” Yuchan began to shake his head, the first tear dropping down his face. “You know my past… You know I’m past believing in romance.”

“Because one bad person broke your heart?”

“She didn’t break my heart. She broke _me._ ” Donghun let out a breath. “And I have Kai. He’s already had one parent figure walk out his life. I’d never forgive myself if I introduced him to someone who left him again. I have to think about him. And he _hates_ me leaving him, I don’t have time to commit to a relationship.”

“I know… I get all that… But… Are you going to let that stop you ever…?” Yuchan swiped his face. He took a moment to steady his breath, while Donghun watched him. “What was this to you?”

Donghun hesitated a long while before he answered. “I don’t know…”

“What about Christmas? It was perfect…”

“It _was_ perfect…” He trailed off as Yuchan got out of bed, reaching for his clothes and pulling on his jeans. “Yuchan-”

“No, please stop.” He pulled his shirt on over his head. His eyes, when he turned them back on Donghun, had turned angry. “Here’s the thing, Donghun. I get it. I get you were hurt. Badly. _Horribly_. And I understand your life isn’t all game nights and weekends away, because of your responsibilities. But guess what, I started dating you – o-or I _thought_ I was dating you! - _knowing_ you had been hurt, and _knowing_ you’re a dad. That’s why I didn’t ask until now. I knew you might need to take things slow but… Everything has been so good and I…”

“It has, but…”

“But you led me on.” Yuchan’s words slapped Donghun, and he felt his face warming. “You treated me like we were already together. Fuck it, Donghun, we’ve already been acting like a couple, labelling it would have made barely any difference. And you’re telling me you don’t want a relationship like… like you haven’t spoken to me every day, and stayed at my place, and gone out on dates with me, and let me get to know you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Forget it. It’s fine. I’m just an idiot.”

Donghun flinched at the last word, and jumped out of bed as Yuchan stalked from the room.

“Yuchan… Yuchan, wait, please don’t go-”

“I’ll see you at work.”

“Stop this!” Yuchan froze as Donghun raised his voice. “Why are you making me out like a villain?! I told you I didn’t believe in love from the very start.”

“I thought that was just a thing people _said_ -”

“We never talked about a relationship!” He let anger colour his voice, because it was better than the alternative. “You can’t just assume-”

“I can, actually!” Yuchan stared at him, tears down his face. “If you can _really_ look back on these past few months and tell me you didn’t act like you and I were together, then I _truly_ don’t understand you. So don’t you turn this on me like I read into things and I’m overreacting.”

“I’m just saying, we-”

The front door shut with a snap.

In the quiet, Donghun realised he was breathing hard. He let go of the guise of anger he was hiding behind.

For a wild moment, he thought about going after him – but that was surely the wrong thing to do, he should let Yuchan walk away from the situation. Instead, Donghun floated back to his room, sinking back into bed and pulling up his knees.

What..? His breath was growing ragged. His vision went blurry. Suddenly, his face was wet, and his throat had constricted. He never cried, he never…

He leaned his forehead down onto his knees as tears began to fall.

How had it unravelled so quickly? Only hours ago, Yuchan had been playing with his hair, and they’d been kissing like nothing existed but the two of them. The thought gave Donghun a sharp stab of pain. Nothing but the two of them… That had been how he’d treated Yuchan, hadn’t he? No wonder he’d been led to assume this was moving towards a stable relationship, to something tangible.

Yuchan wanted him to be his boyfriend.

For a moment, he let it fill his imagination. Spending most nights wrapped up together. Knowing he could call Yuchan when he needed someone to talk to. Buying him presents – photography stuff, because of the way he got excited over all that. Meeting his family. Maybe even, after a little while, taking Kai out together, going to the beach and sharing ice creams and swinging Kai between them on their hands…

…And then it would go wrong. Then it would fall apart, like him and Hyunmi had. _He_ would fall apart, all over again. Flashes of the past assaulted him: seeing her in a car, kissing another boy. Their front door slamming behind her as she left. Sitting on the floor in the middle of the night with a crying baby, desperate for someone, _anyone_ to help him.

He cried harder.

“Daddy..?”

He looked up quickly, gasping back his tears. Kai stood next to the bed, looking up at him with fearful eyes. He rushed to wipe his face, trying to stem the flow of tears. Kai clambered up next to him, and reached up a hand to Donghun’s face to dry a tear he had missed.

“Why are you crying?”

“It’s nothing, little star, I’m fine.” Kai settled in to cuddle him, and Donghun took a deep breath of his scent to calm himself. “I love you.”

“Daddy, is Channie coming back to play again?”

Donghun’s lip trembled as he rested his chin on Kai’s head. “I don’t know, baby,” he whispered. “I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it couldn't be all fairytales forever... *angst button activated*
> 
> Thank you so much for your lovely comments on the last chapter - I know I always say this, but honestly, kind feedback is the thing that spurs me on so much (that, and coffee). Sometimes I get your comments while I'm trying to write and it powers me on - so thank you!
> 
> Take good care and see you for the next part soon.
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly


	6. Part VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything between Donghun and Yuchan was easy and warm - until Donghun wobbled and Yuchan asked to solidify their relationship. Unwilling to put himself in a position of vulnerability again, Donghun rejected him - and Yuchan left his house in tears, angry at Donghun for leading him on.
> 
> Donghun is unsure where to go from here - because they work together, so he can only avoid Yuchan for so long...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we begin! A note that some medical details lie ahead, including brief reference to needles (non-graphic), as I remember that one of you has a phobia and I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable!

Donghun was in a sour mood. It hadn’t been a bad day, per se – but he felt like he hadn’t stopped to catch his breath. Kai had been up super early, he’d had a mountain of work to do all morning, crammed in an afternoon play date with Alex and John’s daughter Emily, and then dropped off Kai with Byeongkwan so he could head to his pre-wedding prep with the team. And it was that last one, if he was being honest, that was hanging over him like a dark cloud.

He drummed his hands on the wheel as he drove, scowling at the raindrops splattering down from the sky.

He hadn’t spoken to Yuchan all week, not since last Friday’s argument. It’s not that he hadn’t _wanted_ to. But what was he supposed to say? _Hey, sorry we fought, let’s just go back to how things were!_ That’s not what Yuchan wanted and he’d made that crystal clear. He wanted to be together, properly. How ridiculous! Donghun had gone over and over the argument in his head, and then replayed the last couple of months. Yuchan had said that he’d treated him like they were already in a relationship… Was that true? Donghun _had_ messaged him every day, met his housemate, spent Christmas with him…

But if they were _boyfriends_ , and started a relationship… Things would change. Yuchan had said they wouldn’t, but they would – he would be committed to him. Donghun would have to tell his friends about him – introduce him, even. He’d slowly factor him into Kai’s life. And if they fell out, they’d have to _break up_ , and why would they want to set themselves up for that kind of a mess? And all that other bullshit – relying on each other? Opening up about their feelings? What, tell each other they loved each other?

Donghun swallowed.

He wasn’t sure how it would feel to hear Yuchan say he loved him.

But he _did_ know that it would be messy, and vulnerable, and why opt for that when he could stay as he was: safe and comfortable.

So what if it was a little lonely sometimes…

He pulled up at the venue and saw his team sat around on tables outside. Every cell in his body wanted to go into hiding, but everyone looked up and waved as they saw him. All but one.

Donghun glanced at Yuchan, and then looked away just as fast. Yuchan’s expression wasn’t angry – just guarded, and uncomfortable, and lacking any of its usual warmth.

Donghun spoke to the group as a whole, keeping his eyes down on his notepad as a form of distraction. He went through everything other than photography, even though he knew there was no escape.

“Okay, so, that’s everything for today.” He glanced up, trying to school his expression. “Uh, Yuchan? Shall we..?”

“Mm.”

Everyone stood up together, oblivious to the tension. Donghun bid goodbyes to the team, wishing that they wouldn’t leave – but they did, one by one, until he was left watching them retreat and desperately aware of Yuchan watching him from the other side of the table.

“You can stop avoiding looking at me, you know.”

Donghun winced, and met Yuchan’s eyes as his face went hot. “Sorry…”

“Well I just want to apologise. For getting emotional.” Yuchan’s expression was level, and his words reasonable, but his voice was flat. “I must have misread things between us. You were right. I just assumed a relationship was on the cards, and that’s my problem. So let’s just go back to being just colleagues. I like this job and I’m good at it, so we can just suck it up at work.” Still, his tone was completely emotionless. Donghun swallowed, searching his face.

“Yeah.” His own voice sounded shaky. “Yeah, okay.”

_Go back to being colleagues_. Donghun hadn’t really known what Yuchan would say today, but somehow hearing him sever their relationship – or lack thereof – came as a jolt. No more cuddles on the sofa? No more glances across the room at weddings, when Yuchan was all dressed up and looking his best? No more afternoons working together over coffee? No more kisses on his chest, no more nights that left him whimpering into Yuchan’s hand over his lips?

It felt a whole lot like regret, but Donghun knew there was nothing he could do to change it.

“I’m sorry too,” Donghun added, worried that it came out like an afterthought. “I really am.” He tried something that resembled a smile. “Sorry for… the way I’m so fucked up.”

Yuchan looked at him – really looked at him. It seemed like he wanted to say something, and then changed his mind, and sighed. “It’s okay.” He folded his arms. “Can you tell me what you want for tomorrow?”

“Uh… Yeah.” Donghun consulted his notes, heading hesitantly towards the lawns on which the couple wanted photos.

~

In a way, Donghun was impressed with Yuchan. For the next two weddings, two weeks apart, the photographer did an exceptional job of barely being near him. He was professional in their meetings, chatted happily with the team, and did his usual impressive job on the day. But between those things, Donghun barely caught a glimpse of him. At first, Donghun thought it was just a stroke of luck that Yuchan had stumbled upon, but the consistency with which he didn’t end up in a situation where they had to speak slowly made Donghun realise: he was going out of his way to get away from him. Which meant Donghun really had hurt him.

“Ouch.” Byeongkwan winced as Donghun retold his version of events, both of them sat on the wall surrounding the park. Kai was working with another child to climb up a slide backwards, and not getting very far at all. “Is that going to make it awkward at work?”

Donghun sighed. “I hope not. It’s been okay, but he’s avoiding me like the plague.”

“Just give him time to cool off. I’m sure it’ll be alright.” Byeongkwan looked up to where Donghun was watching him intently for more. “Don’t go asking me what to do. I’m hardly the king of relationships.”

“Do you think what I did was wrong?”

“Do I think it was a dick move?” Byeongkwan shrugged. “I dunno. He said you were treating him like you were in a relationship already, but I don’t know what the thing you had going on was like.” He shrugged again. “But do I think it was the wrong choice? Absolutely.”

“Huh..?”

“For you.” Byeongkwan looked at him squarely. “I think you should have given it a go.”

Donghun laughed, feeling uncomfortable. “No, Kwan, come on. I don’t want a relationship. I never wanted a boyfriend. Is it so wrong to just want… something easy?”

“No, it isn’t,” Byeongkwan conceded. “If that _is_ what you really want.” Donghun narrowed his eyes and Byeongkwan met them. “I think you _do_ want a boyfriend. What you don’t want is to get hurt again.”

Donghun snorted through his nose so hard it hurt. He pulled out his phone, pretending to go through the contacts. “Sorry, let me just ring my therapist and tell him I’ve got a new shrink…”

“Oh shut up, you c-” Byeongkwan paused as a kid ran past. “You… You… Oh for god’s sake, why is every insult inappropriate in a playground.”

Donghun smirked, and then held out his hands as Kai came running over to him, a big smile on his face.

“Daddy! I’m tired. Can we get some ice cream now?”

“What do we say when we want something, little star?”

“ _Pweeeeease_!”

“Okay then.” They slid down from the wall and Donghun took Kai’s hand. “We’ve got time for ice cream before we go home and pack.”

“Daddy’s taking me to the wedding!” Kai told Byeongkwan excitedly, making Donghun smile. The wedding this weekend was all the way down in Los Angeles, and as the fancy hotel had childcare services, Donghun had decided to take Kai along with him.

“What ice-cream flavour are you getting, little dude?” Byeongkwan asked as they headed to the store.

“Mmmm… Mint choco! It’s… It’s my favourite!”

Donghun shot a grin at Byeongkwan’s disgusted face. “I’ve raised him well.”

“You’ve raised a mutant child, is what you’ve done…”

~

Donghun was never the sort to unpack in hotel rooms, but he got out his slacks and shirt for the next day’s wedding, hanging them neatly so any creases would smooth overnight. It was somewhat of a luxury, staying in the hotel of the wedding the night before – his alarm was generous now there was no commute. He sighed, looking out over the ocean outside his window.

It almost felt like a holiday – and boy, it had been a long time since he’d had one of those. He knew his team were likely meeting for drinks or food this evening, but he couldn’t join them as Kai was with him. And besides, it was good to let Yuchan enjoy himself without worrying about the awkwardness.

He decided to call room service and find a movie to watch in bed. Behind him, Kai was already lying against the pillows in the smaller second bed. He’d been quiet the whole trip down.

“Hey, little star.” Donghun sat next to him. “Are you tired? Do you want to go to sleep?” Kai looked up at him, nodding unhappily. Donghun frowned. “Are you okay?”

“Mh.” Kai shifted restlessly. Heart panging, Donghun put a hand to his forehead; he was warm to the touch.

“Oh you poor little thing. You’ve got a bit of a temperature. Let Daddy fetch you some medicine.”

It used to send him into a wild panic when Kai got sick. He remembered the early days, freaking out over a snotty baby, unsure what his symptoms meant. Donghun now knew not to get so worried. He rummaged through his suitcase, looking for the bag of kids medicine he always carried with him. He never so much as bothered to bring painkillers for himself, but this little pouch was always full: dinosaur band-aids, cough syrup, Calpol… It was the last one he pulled out, with a tiny plastic spoon for measuring.

“Open wide, baby.” Kai opened his eyes, still looking unhappy, but he opened his mouth for the spoon of orange medicine. “You’ll feel better tomorrow.”

Kai zonked out quickly, and Donghun called himself room service, climbing into bed and watching a movie on his iPad while shovelling fries. As he ate, a message buzzed on his phone and he flicked it open.

_Jessie Kay: Hi Donghun! Hope you’re doing well. We celebrated our first anniversary last weekend and just wanted to let you know even a year later, we’re still so over the moon about our beautiful wedding. We also wanted to give you some news: we found out we’re having a baby! Hope all is well with you._

Donghun smiled, his heart lifted. He remembered Jessie and Prakash’s wedding well, and he couldn’t be more happy to know that they were starting their own family. He never expected couples to keep in touch once the wedding was over, but he was always grateful for those that did. He liked to know that they were happy.

It wasn’t late when he found his eyelids drifting shut, and he reached for the light to give himself an early night.

When Donghun came to, he was immediately wide awake.

Something was wrong.

He sat up, rubbing his face. What was it? Had he woken up late? With a jolt, he looked at the time, but found it just five minutes before his alarm was due to go off. Had he forgotten something? He climbed out of bed, pushing back his hair and looking around the room, where everything seemed to be in place.

He glanced over at Kai, who was still fast asleep, safe and sound. He relaxed a little. Perhaps he was just-

He looked back at Kai.

On a second look, Kai wasn’t sleeping safe and sound. His covers had been pushed off, and he moved restlessly, although his eyes were shut. Donghun raced over, sitting on top of the covers.

“Kai?” He felt the heat coming off him before their skin even met, and his heart leapt as he touched Kai’s face, raging with heat. “Kai?” Neither calls of his name roused the little boy, and only a third time – pitched higher with worry – made Kai’s eyelids flutter open drowsily. He moaned, his eyebrows knitted in a frown, and Donghun turned on the light quickly to get a better look at him. Kai put his arms over his face, a weak cry breaking out from his chest.

Quick fear ran around Donghun’s bloodstream.

He gently scooped his son up, who gave no protest, and carried him to the bathroom. He sat Kai on the edge of the bath, soaking a towel in cold water and pressing it to Kai’s forehead in an attempt to soothe him. As he dabbed, his heart raced. Still Kai looked at him with half-lidded eyes, sagging sideways to lean on the tiles.

This was different. He’d been sick before, but this was different.

Donghun abandoned the towel and picked up Kai once again, leaving him on the bed only long enough to pull on the first clothes he could get his hands on. He shoved his feet into sneakers and picked up his son, running out of the door and down the corridor.

By the time he reached reception, he was trembling from head to foot. He skittered to a stop; people were already up bright and early – half of them his suppliers going about their morning preparations. Donghun cast around, frozen in fear, until he almost walked into someone else.

“Hey…”

“Yuchan,” Donghun managed, looking up at him with desperation. “Something’s wrong with Kai.”

It took all of two seconds for the guarded look in Yuchan’s eyes to slip away. In its place came worry. “What’s happened?”

“H-he was a little quiet yesterday and had a temperature, so I gave him some Calpol before bed and I thought he’d be okay… B-but I woke up and he’s burning up, and I could hardly wake him up…” Donghun set him down, and they both crouched in front of him. Kai wobbled and then pitched forward back into Donghun’s arms. Yuchan’s face lit up with alarm. “I-I don’t know what to do-”

He was cut off as Kai was sick. Donghun didn’t care about the mess, cupping his boy’s face and trying to get a look at him. A hotel staff member stopped by at the scene, asking if they were alright, but Donghun didn’t hear him.

“I have to get him to the hospital.” His own voice sounded distant, like he was watching the scene on TV.

Yuchan met his eyes. “I’ll drive you.” He got to his feet, and pulled Donghun up with him.

“But the wedding, we-”

“The wedding doesn’t matter,” Yuchan said firmly, still holding onto his arm. He glanced around and grabbed the first member of the team who walked by. Donghun heard voices - it sounded like fast explanations - but he couldn’t be distracted from Kai. “Come on,” Yuchan urged gently, and Donghun followed him, breaking into a run in the parking lot.

Donghun climbed into the front seat, still clutching Kai. Every part of him was trembling, but there was no way he was relinquishing his clutch on his boy. Something extremely primal knocked on his heart, and he held him tight, his breath coming in fast and his eyes stinging. He had to protect him. He _had_ to.

“Hey.” Yuchan pulled out of the hotel quickly, glancing across from the driver’s seat. His voice was deliberately gentle. “He’s going to be okay.”

Donghun searched his face, desperate to believe him. When Yuchan looked back at the road, Donghun glanced down at Kai, touching first his clammy forehead and then his hot belly. As he went to take his hand away, he noticed a pink mottle on his skin.

“Oh my god,” he whimpered, pulling up Kai’s pyjama top. The marks ran up his side like a strange bruise. “Kai? _Kai?_ ” But Kai stayed drooped against him in his lap.

“Donghun, let’s breathe, okay?” Panic was lancing his throat and his eyes were fogging over as he looked up at Yuchan. “It’s not far. Just breathe with me, okay? Four in, and four out. Can you do that with me?”

Donghun stared helplessly, and then nodded.

Each breath in was a ragged struggle; each breath out was a staccato whisper. Yuchan counted them both as he drove, turning into the hospital complex and following the signs for the emergency room. He found a space right away and pulled up the handbrake hard, and Donghun was already out of his seatbelt and opening the door.

He didn’t wait for Yuchan, but footsteps caught up right behind him and ran with him. Yuchan was right beside him as he stopped breathless at the desk.

“My son is sick. Th-there’s something wrong with him, really wrong, he-”

“Okay, sir. Can I get a name and see your medical insurance?" Donghun managed to stutter them out, fumbling with his insurance card. “And what’re his symptoms?”

“He’s really hot, and he’s been sick, and there’s this pink blob on his tummy…” Donghun’s voice tremored. “He wouldn’t get up this morning.”

“Okay.” The receptionist tapped the details into the computer. “Take a seat, you’ll be called shortly.”

Donghun’s legs suddenly wouldn’t work, and a gentle arm on his back steered him into moving. He sank onto a blue plastic seat, shaking as he looked down at Kai in his lap. His son leaned against him, eyes shut.

It was only minutes, but they stretched like hours.

“Kai Lee?”

Donghun jumped up at the doctor’s voice, almost stumbling over his feet to get to the door of the consultation room. The doctor gave him a brief smile but he had no ability to return it.

“I’m Dr Pérez.” She indicated a seat and sat down herself. “So, Kai’s been sick and got a temperature? And a rash?” The doctor’s voice was clinical, but not unkind.

“Y-yeah.”

“And you’re his parents?”

Donghun blinked, confused, and then looked at Yuchan and back to Dr Pérez. “I’m his dad. This is my friend.”

“Okay. Let’s have a little look at this fella.”

Dr Pérez leaned closer, taking a thermometer from the desk and popping it into Kai’s ear. A faint frown passed her face, and then she lifted his pyjamas, taking a look at the pink mottle on his skin. Returning his clothes, she wheeled back to the desk, tapping quickly into her computer.

“When did he start getting sick?” she asked.

“I noticed last night.” Donghun thought quickly. “Actually, he was quiet all of yesterday, but he only seemed warm in the evening…”

“And when did you notice the rash?”

“On the way here.”

“Okay.” More tapping. “We need to get Kai through to have some tests. I can’t confirm anything right now, but the symptoms – and that rash – do correlate with...”

Donghun blinked once as he missed the end of the sentence. He looked at Yuchan desperately.

“I don’t know that English word,” he babbled, quick worry rising in his chest. “Yuchan? Why do you look like that?”

“Um- I-” He went through his phone quickly. “Fuck, I forgot the Korean…” He held up his phone’s translation, eyes darting to Donghun.

_Meningitis_.

The room around him slanted.

“What?” The word left him as a gasp, and he searched the doctor’s face. His skin turned icy.

Meningitis. He knew about it, of course he did, everyone did. It was on the walls of every doctor’s surgery. It was every parent’s nightmare.

“Like I say, I can’t say for certain.” Dr Pérez held up her hands. “But we need to test him right away. If it’s meningitis, time is of the essence.” She stood up. “Are you okay to carry him through?”

Donghun had forgotten how to walk. How to breathe. Somehow, someway, he got to his feet, trembling from head to foot, and followed Dr Pérez through a different door and into a sterile room full of medical staff. Cubicles were sectioned off by green curtains, concealing beds and beeping machines. He was led into one of them, where he lay Kai down on the bed. Kai gave a little moan and looked up at Donghun with sad eyes.

“It’s okay, little star.” His voice quivered. “You’re going to be okay. Daddy’s right here.”

Dr Pérez left them, and in her place came a man in hospital scrubs. He gave a quick smile to Donghun – again, unreturned – and looked down over Kai.

“Hello, little guy.” Kai was sniffling, and the doctor slipped on a pair of gloves as he peered at the pink rash. “Oh, you’re a poorly thing, aren’t you?” He went through a cabinet beside the gurney. “We need to do some blood tests, and a couple of other tests too.” Donghun was trying to listen, he was, but there were words in English he kept missing, fuck, he spoke English well but he’d never learned _medical_ terms…

“How quickly will you know?” he asked as the equipment was gathered.

“We’ll look at the results right away.”

Donghun jolted as he realised he was getting ready to take blood, and his grip on Kai’s hand grew tighter, and he leaned close, brushing back the little boy’s hair.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay-”

Kai let out a wail as he felt pain in his arm, and Donghun felt sicker. He tried to shush him, but tears were rising in his own eyes and he had to fight them. _It’s not meningitis. It’s not going to be. They’ll find out he’s okay…_

“Okay, one down. Can you pop him on his front? I need to get to his back, and I’m afraid this one isn’t a nice one.”

“Please don’t hurt him.” Donghun put his arms around Kai to turn him over, but he found he couldn’t let go. Two tears slid down his cheeks.

The doctor’s eyes turned sympathetic. “I’ll be as gentle and quick as I possibly can.”

Fighting every instinct in his body, Donghun laid Kai gently on his front. Kai whimpered, but whatever sickness was in his body kept him dulled. But when the doctor took his place over him, it was followed by a scream.

“Kai! Kai… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Donghun pressed his face against the back of Kai’s head, screwing up his eyes, because more tears were coming and he couldn’t watch, _he couldn’t_ … Distantly, he was aware of an arm holding him around his own waist, a tight support.

Kai cried weakly, and it felt like forever.

When it was over, it was replaced by a scanner. And when the scanner was over, the doctor pulled off his gloves.

“We’ll go and take a look at the scans and be right back. Just call a member of staff if you need anything.”

And then he was gone.

Kai’s tears had subsided, as had his own. Donghun watched his son desperately, grateful of the ended screaming but terrified by his listless silence.

“You’re doing so well. You’re being so brave.”

Donghun had forgotten Yuchan completely until he spoke. He looked up at him, and found that he was leaned against him like without Yuchan there, he wouldn’t be stood up at all. His arm was still around Donghun’s waist, and he looked at him with gentle eyes.

“I’m scared.” It was nothing more than a whisper.

“I know,” Yuchan murmured, and let Donghun turn against him, holding him tight and brushing back his hair. “I know.”

He didn’t know how long they waited. The concept of time dissipated. All he knew was that nothing in the world was going to make him let go of Kai’s hand.

Eventually, the curtain was pulled back again.

“Hi Donghun.” It was the same doctor. His eyes looked serious. Why did he look so serious?

“H-hi.”

“So the early diagnostics confirmed our initial thoughts. It’s almost certainly acute bacterial meningitis. We need to start treating Kai immediately.”

Yuchan grabbed Donghun as he stepped sideways, grabbing the end of the gurney hard.

“It’s not a cause for panic,” the doctor cut in quickly. “But it is being treated as an emergency. Meningitis acts rapidly, and we need to start treating him now.”

A second doctor appeared in the small space, this one wearing a mask, and quickly clicked down the gurney to free the wheels. Donghun made a lurch for the side, and the doctor indicated for him to come with them.

“What’s going to happen to him?” Donghun heard the terror lacing his own voice.

“We’ll give him antibiotics intravenously. And fluids. He’s got a very high fever so we need to get some fluids into his body. And we need to drain his sinuses.”

Missed words again.

All he saw were white walls.

White walls, and a grey floor, and bright lights.

And then a room, and a clear plastic mask going over Kai’s mouth and nose. And wires. Wires fixed in place with tape. Wires coming out of his son.

“You’re going to make him better, aren’t you?” Donghun had found a way to get to Kai, but the doctor but a gentle hand on his shoulder to move him away.

“We’re going to do everything we can. We’ll monitor how his body responds to treatment.”

He hadn’t said yes. That wasn’t a yes.

Those pamphlets from the doctor’s surgeries came back to him.

Meningitis. Life-threatening. Complications. Brain damage.

Donghun was drowning.

“You can wait just in here.” Suddenly, he was in another room, a small one, with seating, and a plant, and no one else. “We’ll come back to update you as soon as we can, and we’ll let you see Kai as soon as we’re finished with emergency treatments.”

Quiet.

Donghun couldn’t stay on his feet. He sank down to a chair. His breath was getting louder, and the room fogged over.

“Donghun…”

Yuchan knelt in front of him, taking his hands. And Donghun shattered.

He’d cried like this once in his life. The night Hyunmi had left, he had sobbed, raw and noisy and like he would never stop crying for all of time.

He just cried, and cried, until every last drop had been drained from his body.

And all the time he cried, Yuchan held him, the only thing anchoring him to earth. From his place in front of him, he moved to the seat beside him, turning Donghun against his chest so he could put arms around him, like Yuchan was between him and the rest of the world. Donghun clutched his shirt, barely felt the arms squeezing him, barely felt the gentle kisses pressed into the top of his hair.

“Hey…” Yuchan pulled away ever so slightly as his sobs quietened to trembling breaths. His whole body quivering, he looked up at Yuchan through wet eyes. “He’s going to be okay, Donghun.”

He searched him, frantic to find truth in his face. “How do you know?”

“I believe it.” Yuchan didn’t drop his gaze. “Kai’s tough, just like you.”

A stray tear escaped. “I didn’t protect him…”

“Donghun… Don’t say that, you couldn’t have-”

“No, I didn’t…” Another tear, and a third. “I didn’t get his final vaccine.” His lip trembled and his entire body ached with the grip of guilt. “Yuchan, I… I got his first two MenB jabs back home, but when we moved to the States I… I… There was so much to _do_ , and I had no money, and it was $300 for the last vaccine because I didn’t have insurance yet and I couldn’t afford it.” Donghun choked. “I got his MMR one instead.” He began to cry again. “It’s my fault…”

“No.” Yuchan took his face, where tears leaked to meet his fingers. “This is _not_ your fault. You couldn’t afford it and that’s the whole fucking _system_ that’s messed up, Donghun. You were one boy. On your own, with no family. Everything you’ve done for Kai is a _gift_ and this is _not your fault_.”

Still, Donghun broke down again. He leant against Yuchan once more, fear blistering in his heart, and waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, little star...
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, thank you as always for reading! It's so lovely to hear that you're enjoying the story so far, and I hope this angst-ridden chapter met your expectations!
> 
> See you soon and we'll come back to that cliffhanger... 
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly


	7. Part VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuchan told Donghun in no uncertain terms that if they weren't on the same page, they should go back to being mere colleagues. But after a few weeks of avoiding each other, Donghun ran to Yuchan when Kai fell ill. Putting aside all their differences, Yuchan raced Donghun to the hospital, where Kai was diagnosed with acute meningitis and swept away for treatment...

Donghun knew he was hurting Yuchan’s hand. His own grip was like a vice, but when he looked down at their clasped hands and began to pull away when he saw the way he was turning Yuchan’s fingers white, that other hand pulled his right back to where it had been.

How long had they been waiting in this little white room? A minute? An hour? It felt like someone was holding Donghun’s face under water, only letting him up just enough to keep him alive.

The tears had stopped. He just sat, numb, occasionally nodding to the things Yuchan murmured to him. He was just glad Yuchan was here. So glad.

“Fuck, I can’t wait any longer…” he managed, raking nails through his hair.

“I’m sure it’ll be any minute now,” Yuchan soothed, meeting his eyes. “Do you want me to try and distract you a bit? Or do you just wanna sit?”

“You can try…”

“Here.” Yuchan pulled out his phone with the one not holding Donghun’s. “I’ll show you some of the photos I’ve been taking outside of work. Boring photographers yapping on about their boring photography is the best distraction.”

He meant it sarcastically, but Donghun forced himself to focus on the pictures Yuchan showed him. Yuchan captured the essence of people – that’s what made him such a wonderful wedding photographer. He somehow managed to capture not just smiles, and outfits, and special moments – but souls, too. The way light caught irises. The way people laughed that crinkled their eyes. Donghun let the photos wash over him, somehow the swiping of pretty colours making it a fraction easier to breathe.

“Mr Lee?”

A nurse appeared in the doorway, and Donghun leaped to his feet. “Yes?”

“Do you want to come and see Kai? The doctor’s drained his sinuses and moved him over to the children’s ward.”

Donghun practically tripped to fall into step with the nurse. “How is he?”

“It’s too early to tell if he’s responding to treatment but we’re doing everything we can to give him the best chance of a full recovery.” The nurse looked at him, his eyes kind. “The doctors can tell you more.”

The children’s ward was at the other end of the hospital to the emergency room, and they walked through the huge central atrium, filled with the infirm. Donghun felt a tight press on his chest; he hated hospitals, he hated so much as going to the doctors… He focussed on putting one foot in front of the other.

The children’s ward was a marked changed from the sterile white and blue of everything else. The walls were a soft lemon, and the doctors here wore patterns on their uniforms instead of the oppressive pale blue of the main hospital. Donghun was led through to a ward, where one bed was empty, and three curtains shielded little ones in need of care.

There was only one little one that filled his mind at present.

Donghun slipped through the curtain and swallowed hard. Kai lay on the bed, looking so small on top of the blanket, a drip feeding into one tiny arm and monitors plastered on his other wrist and belly.

“Is he awake?” Donghun’s voice didn’t sound like his own.

A doctor, tweaking one of the bags of fluid connected to his son, looked up with a small smile. “Are you Dad?” Donghun nodded. “He’s conscious, but he’s very weak at the moment. I’m not sure if he’s drifted off again…” He peered over Kai, who didn’t move. “You can come in and sit with him though.”

Donghun edged closer to Kai and took one of his tiny hands. His lip wobbled again and he fought to keep the tears inside.

“Hey, little star,” he choked. “Daddy’s here. You’re going to be okay.”

“So we drained his sinuses and gave him some oxygen, and now we’ve got him hooked up to intravenous antibiotics-”

“Intra..?” Donghun interrupted quickly. “I… I’m Korean, I’m sorry, I don’t know a lot of medical words.”

“Of course,” the doctor soothed quickly. “Antibiotics that go into his blood from the tubes here.” He indicated the wires. “There’s two types of meningitis: viral and bacterial. Viral isn’t usually too serious, and it goes away on its own. Bacterial meningitis is more serious, especially if not treated quickly. But the good news is you caught Kai early on. His symptoms may have come on fast, but in reality, that’s a good thing – the sooner someone gets treatment, the better. We’re also giving him some fluids, which helps – especially as he’s been vomiting.”

Donghun nodded, trying to keep up, trying to process it. “Is he going to be okay? Will he be better soon?”

It was all that mattered.

“There’s a good chance he’ll make a full recovery and be ready to leave in a few days. It’s difficult to say at this point, however – there can be complications with meningitis. But we have every hope his body will respond to the treatment.”

“What could the complications be?”

“Well, like I say, we’re treating him early and that’s promising. But some children who suffer bacterial meningitis can have longer term implications, such as hearing or vision loss, epilepsy or conditions resulting in amputation. But please try not to worry – like I say, we caught Kai’s illness early.”

_Try not to worry_. Donghun was worried out of his mind.

“What’s the recovery rate from it?” he asked, because he had to know. He had to know Kai would definitely get better.

The doctor nodded slowly. “About one in ten cases are fatal.”

“One in…” Donghun was trying, he was trying _really hard_ not to cry, but he couldn’t keep it in any longer. Tears trickled down his cheeks, and once more an arm slipped around him and held him steady.

“We’ll keep monitoring Kai and making sure he gets the best possible care. Parents can stay all hours, so please feel free to stay here as long as you choose. If you want to stay the night, just let a member of staff know and they can arrange that for you.”

“I’m staying.” Donghun said it mainly to himself, but if anyone thought he was going to leave Kai’s side, they would have to physically tear him away.

The doctor began to pull back the curtain, and Donghun put up a hand. “Wait… If… If a baby gets his meningitis vaccines finished, does it stop them getting this type of..?”

The doctor looked at him. “Not necessarily. It offers some protection, but it’s not a failsafe by any means. The MMR vaccine offers some protection too.” Donghun nodded faintly, and the doctor made his leave.

And so he sat, and waited.

Kai was flat out asleep for most of the day, rousing at brief moments that made Donghun’s heart skip. Just seeing those brown eyes open between straight little lashes made him stand up, still clutching his hand, and each time he babbled reassurances until his son slipped back into rest. Later in the afternoon, Kai murmured that he needed the bathroom, and Donghun carried him while a nurse brought his drip.

He had no concept of time passing until the evening had long since grown dark, and Yuchan came back in from a phone call and touched his shoulder.

“Hey. I’ve booked a room in the hotel opposite the hospital, and I’m going to drive over to the hotel from last night, grab our stuff, and shift it over. Do you need me to bring you anything for tonight?”

Donghun looked up, and shook his head. “You’re staying..?”

“Yeah.” Yuchan looked down at him, his eyes soft. “You can’t do this by yourself. I’ll be here for as long as you need me.” He paused. “Make sure you get some rest, okay? Call me if you need anything at all. I’ll leave my phone on tonight.”

“Okay.” Donghun glanced up. “Thank you.”

“It’s okay. I’ll see you in the morning.”

It was a long night. Kai slept, waking when the doctors came to change his drip, or help him to the bathroom. Donghun had been offered a bed and blankets, but he stayed sat next to Kai, refusing to leave his place watching over him. By four in the morning, his head and arms had ended up on Kai’s pillow, and he was just on the edge of sleep-

“Daddy?”

He jolted up, blinking quickly to adjust his vision. “Yes, baby.” He smoothed back Kai’s hair. “Are you okay?”

“Can I have a drink?”

“Of course you can.” Donghun fetched the water bottle beside his bed and gently sat him up, holding the bottle for Kai to drink from. He watched him sleepily sipping and felt his heart swell with painful love. It kept attacking him: how had they ended up here, in hospital? How had bouncy, bright Kai fallen so sick?

Donghun didn’t know if he slept, or just fell into some sort of purgatory between awake and dreaming. The sun came up and the lights turned on, and doctors made their early morning rounds.

And with it, Kai woke up – for longer this time. He was still very subdued, but he stayed conscious long enough for Donghun to ask him how he was feeling, and to explain to him that he was poorly but the nice doctors were going to mend him.

“Well, everything is on the right track.” The doctor – Dr Richards - popped off the disposable end of the ear thermometer and smiled at Donghun. “His fever has come down a little, and the fact he’s up and more alert is a good indication that the antibiotics have started to have a positive effect.” She made a note on the clipboard that hung on the end of Kai’s bed. “You’re a very brave little man, aren’t you, Kai?”

Kai looked at the doctor shyly, and Donghun could have wept with relief to see that oh-so-normal apprehension on his boy’s face.

“Are you hungry?” Dr Richards smoothed Kai’s hair. “Do you think you could be a good boy and try and have some breakfast for us?”

Kai nodded, and a short while later a nurse brought a gentle breakfast – soft banana, grapes and vanilla yoghurt. Donghun helped feed him, just like he’d done when he’d been a baby, and Kai opened his mouth obediently, looking too drained to protest. He got through half the banana and half the yoghurt, and started to whine, rubbing his face. By the time Donghun cleared away the rest, he’d fallen asleep again.

“Hey. How is he?”

Yuchan appeared around the curtain. His hair was pushed back in a headband today, and dark circles sat under his eyes.

“A little better. The doctor said he’s moving in the right direction. He just had a little breakfast.”

Yuchan let out a big breath. “I’m so glad.” He sat down next to Donghun, peering into his face. “And what about you? Did you sleep?”

Donghun blinked tiredly. “I didn’t go to bed…”

“Donghun… Here.” Yuchan handed him a coffee and a neatly wrapped pastry. Only then did Donghun realise how fiercely his own stomach was growling; had he eaten yesterday? Yuchan had forced something at him at some point, but maybe that had been all…

He finished breakfast and Kai came around again; his foggy eyes shifted to Yuchan and a tired smile passed over his face.

“Channie,” he yawned, and Yuchan gave him a big smile.

“Hey there, you brave thing.” Yuchan stroked his hair. “How are you feeling?”

“Mm… Bad.”

“Bad? Oh, sweetie.” He fished in his backpack. “I brought you a friend who wants to see you.” Yuchan handed Kai a pale brown stuffed rabbit, and Kai looked more lit up than he had done since he’d fallen sick. He held the rabbit close to his chest. “That’s Bugsy. He’s going to give you lots of cuddles and make you feel better.”

“Where’d you find him?” Donghun asked, watching Kai with tired affection.

“Well… he’s mine.” Yuchan shot him a look, and humour danced over his face. “Yes, I bring a stuffed rabbit with me on nights away by myself, and yes, I’ll let you laugh at me about it just this one time.”

Donghun’s lips twitched into something like a smile for the first time in two days. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Can I have a story?” Kai pitched his question to both of them, and Donghun nodded.

“Of course.” He went to stand up and fetch a book from the room down the corridor, but Yuchan put a hand on his shoulder.

“Let me get this for you, Kai. Dad’s too tired to be reading anything right now.”

Donghun didn’t even have the energy to protest, he just watched him go. Yuchan returned shortly with a book about magical dinosaurs, and he switched seats with Donghun to sit near Kai’s head and began to read.

Kai watched Yuchan, his lips parted and his eyes heavy-lidded, and Donghun began to feel the same. His head nodded as he tried not to fall asleep… twice… Yuchan didn’t look up from his reading, he just reached a quiet hand behind Donghun’s back and gently tilted his head down to rest on his own shoulder. Donghun eased against him. For a short while, he followed the words on the page with bleary eyes, and then he slipped away into sleep.

~

The third day came, only announced by another rising of the sun. Donghun still hadn’t left.

He felt like hell. His only rest in two nights had been brief flutters into too-deep sleep, snapped awake by crying children or doctor’s footsteps or his own internal fear. He hadn’t showered – only changed his clothes into the ones Yuchan brought him. His hair was greasy in its bun and brief glimpses of his own face in the bathroom mirrors showed him dark shadows under his eyes and darker stubble on his jaw. Food was another sacrificed luxury – again, Yuchan had brought him snacks and sandwiches throughout the day, but his stomach could barely handle anything right now.

But all that mattered was that this morning, Kai was looking brighter.

He spent most of the morning awake, listening to stories and watching cartoons on Donghun’s phone. Donghun sat in bed with him, desperately relieved that the arm around his son no longer absorbed heat radiating from his little body.

“How’s Mr Kai today?” Dr Richards appeared through the curtain, her customary smile on her face. Donghun had never felt more in awe of doctors than the way he felt towards Dr Richards: achingly long shifts with very sick children, yet a smile never far from her face. Even Kai had taken a shine to her.

“I ate my breakfast,” he told her, playing with Bugsy shyly.

She smiled, perching on the end of the bed. “Good boy! Can I take your temperature and do a little test to see if you’re getting better?”

Kai didn’t mind the temperature test in his ear, but he was lucid enough now he was feeling better to eye the needle for the blood test with fear. Donghun stroked his hair gently as the doctor drew blood, and he only let out a small sniffle.

“Oh, you are the bravest boy I’ve ever known!” Dr Richards removed her gloves and popped the vile on a tray. “I’m going to make sure you get extra chocolate pudding at lunch time.”

“Pudding..?” Kai said, the ache in his arm forgotten.

As the doctor left, she was replaced by Yuchan. He smiled at Donghun, but it looked a little strained.

“Please tell me you went to bed last night…” Donghun shook his head, and Yuchan sighed, sitting down next to him. “Donghun, I’m going to have to make you come and get some sleep.” Donghun started to protest but Yuchan put up a hand firmly. “No. Come back to the hotel, shower, eat and sleep. I’m sorry, but I’m going to insist.”

“But Kai…”

“Kai’s on the mend. I’ll come back here and sit with him.” Yuchan searched him. “Please. Otherwise it’s you who’s going to be in a hospital bed.”

Donghun wanted to fight, but when Yuchan put a hand on his arm and pulled him to his feet, everything swam so hard he realised that he physically couldn’t stay awake any longer. He smoothed Kai’s hair.

“Daddy will come back soon, okay, little star? And Channie will be back here in a minute for you…”

Donghun trailed next to Yuchan out of the ward. The corridor looked strange. The lights were blurry, and the colours looked washed out. When they got outside, it felt too bright. Yuchan’s voice was very far away…

His knees buckled, and he came around on the floor, held by Yuchan.

“Hey, hey…” Yuchan cradled him, looking into his face. “Steady. You okay?”

“M’fine.” Donghun wobbled back to his feet with a little help. “I’m so tired…”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Yuchan breathed, and the next thing Donghun knew, Yuchan had picked him up, easily carrying him across the road and into the hotel parking lot.

If they got any funny looks, Donghun wasn’t with it enough to notice, nor care. He only opened his eyes again when they were in Yuchan’s hotel room, and he was gently set down.

“Can I shower?” he asked, feeling absolutely disgusting now he was away from the hospital and in normal society. Yuchan nodded him to the door.

“Go ahead. I’ll call some food for you. And then you are _going to bed._ ”

Donghun sat in the bottom of the shower, tugging out his hair tie and letting the warm water douse over him. If he wasn’t so afraid of drowning, he could fall asleep right here… But somehow, he managed to clean up, dry off in a fluffy white towel, and tug on the pyjamas Yuchan had fished out of his overnight bag.

He went back outside to find a big plate of chips, salad, and chicken waiting on the side for him. Yuchan watched him warily, like he was afraid Donghun might collapse at any second. He sat on the bed, eating mindlessly, like he’d forgotten what real food tasted like. But he only managed half before the call of soft pillows got too much.

“Get some rest,” Yuchan murmured, drawing the curtains and plunging the room into darkness. “I’ll go back to Kai now. Sleep as long as you need.”

And Donghun crashed out immediately.

He slept, and slept, without waking once.

He woke up disoriented – why wasn’t he at the hospital..? It was completely dark in the room, and he sat up, squinting at the curtains to try and see the daylight through the cracks. But there wasn’t any – night had fallen, and a glance at his phone told him it was three in the morning. He’d slept through the whole afternoon and half the night.

He swivelled his legs out of bed to get up and stopped.

Yuchan was fast asleep on the floor, nestled in spare blankets chucked down to make a makeshift mattress. Donghun’s eyes softened. Without an extra duvet, he’d simply wrapped his coat around his shoulders, one hand clutching onto the edge as he slept.

He tried to creep around him quietly, but the motion made Yuchan stir. He looked up, his hair stuck up on ends.

“Where are you going?” he mumbled.

“Back to Kai.”

“No you’re not.” Yuchan sat up. “I stayed with him until late and he’s fine. He ate dinner, he was laughing at cartoons, and now he’s sleeping. You can go back in the morning.”

Donghun wasn’t quite sure why Yuchan telling him what to do seemed to work. He hesitated, knowing that his body needed a little more rest.

“Okay.” Donghun paused, and then sat down nervously at the edge of Yuchan’s blankets. “Is he actually okay? Did the doctors say anything?”

“He’s fine. And they didn’t say much, just that the antibiotics are still working and that tomorrow he can probably come off the drip and switch to oral medicine.”

“Oh.” Donghun felt a stab of relief. “That’s good.”

“Yeah.” Yuchan lay back down, and Donghun’s eyes wandered past him, thinking about Kai’s recovery.

A hand reached out and gentle fingers wrapped around Donghun’s wrist, giving the faintest tug.

Donghun looked down at Yuchan through the dark, met his tired eyes, and slid down onto the blankets with him. Yuchan readjusted his coat so it partly covered the both of them, and Donghun rested his head against Yuchan’s as he shut his eyes.

Soft fingers laced through his, and he fell back into a dreamless sleep.

~

“So it’s good news.” Dr Richards smiled as she finished going through her notes. “I’m happy for Kai to go home today.” Kai looked at Donghun with sleepy excitement – he was still poorly, but far less pallid – and Donghun felt like he could physically deflate with relief. “He’ll need lots of rest and fluids – he should stay home for at least another week. But if he keeps taking his antibiotics like a good boy then he’ll keep feeling a little stronger every day.” She stroked Kai’s hair. “Just keep an eye on his progress and if you have any concerns, report it straight to your doctor.”

And so the fourth day brought such good news, and Donghun was able to carry Kai from the ward that afternoon with a bag full of medicine. He was still worried: of course he was, because Kai was still weak, and pale, and unwell, but he was mending, and that was what was important.

Donghun met Yuchan in the hotel parking lot, fixing Kai safely into the back seat before accepting his overnight bag from Yuchan. He hesitated.

“Thank you for staying,” he said simply, even though that couldn’t cover the half of it. Yuchan looked equally as awkward.

“It was no trouble. Look, just get him home safe. I’ll… see you at work?”

“Yeah. Oh – we have Azumi’s thing next week right?”

“Oh, yeah.” Yuchan looked surprised. “You’re going?”

“Uh… I think so?” Donghun felt a little warm – fuck, perhaps he shouldn’t go to a get together of people from work, if it was going to make Yuchan uncomfortable? But then… Had this week put them back on good terms? Or had it just been much-needed support, something from a place of sympathy?

He would worry about that later. For now, he bade goodbye and got into the driver’s seat, letting out a long breath of relief. They were finally going home.

~

Donghun knew that the friends he had made through work never held it against him that he never went on nights out. Now they knew he had a son, he supposed it all made sense to them – plus, he was one to keep his personal cards to himself, and they seemed to respect that.

But for once, he had decided to let himself relax a little. A week and a half after being discharged from hospital, Kai was almost back to his normal self, and Byeongkwan had gone to stay the night at his place to babysit. Donghun was sure they were having fun between themselves.

So for once, he sat with the work lot, a beer in hand, finally outside of some wedding scenario.

“Azumi, you’re so _old_!” One of their venue managers slung a tipsy arm around Azumi, making the tailor laugh.

“I’m thirty-three,” she protested, talking loudly to be heard over the bar’s music. “And you’re older, you bitch!”

“Yeah, so you should talk to me with respect!”

Donghun watched them, unable to keep the smirk from his face. It didn’t go unnoticed.

“You can stop laughing, child!” Azumi turned an accusatory finger on Donghun, her eyes struggling to focus on his for a moment. “You’re like, fifteen or something.”

“I mean, twenty-eight, but yeah, same thing.”

“How are you in charge of us all in your _twenties_? You’re basically our boss.”

“Gross.” Donghun pulled a face as they all grinned at him. “Don’t call me that.”

“And you’re a dad too,” Jesse chimed in. “I can’t even get a fucking date.”

“Yeah,” Azumi said, narrowing her eyes at him. The pointing finger was back. “You’ve got the whole, like, super-hot dad thing going on, I-” She stopped as one of the girls clamped her mouth, wide-eyed. Donghun arched an amused eyebrow. “What!” she said, breaking free. “Y’all say it too…”

“Oh behave,” Donghun admonished. He shot a glance at Yuchan, who had looked down at his drink with a look of weary amusement. Donghun got to his feet, steering the conversation clear of where it had headed. “Okay, next round on me. What are you all having?”

It turned out his team were impressive at putting away drinks. Donghun didn’t drink half as much as the others – he was, after all, the one who hired them, and he also never liked to get too drunk when he knew he had to drive home early the next morning. The others clearly had no such worries, safe in the knowledge that the hotel they were all staying at was right around the corner.

It was a lot of fun all the same. Despite Donghun’s trepidation to join them for a full night out, they actually were a lot like him – sticking to bustling bars rather than clubs, and drinking too much beer or wine rather than lining up shots.

The third bar was absolutely packed, with musicians playing live, and they all squeezed around a small table. For the first time that night, Donghun found himself sat with Yuchan.

“Ooh, it’s an open mic!” Madison pointed at a chalk board in excitement. “Yuchaaaan…”

“No, _no_ ,” he said, waving his hands in protest. “I’ve drank too much to do any of that!”

Donghun watched the others cajoling him in surprise. Eventually, Azumi went and wrote his name on the board anyway, and wheedled that it was her birthday and he had to do it as a present for her. They drank for another half an hour, and Donghun almost forgotten about the conversation until someone called Yuchan’s name, and he got up with an apologetic cringe.

After speaking briefly with another boy at the front of the bar, Yuchan slipped into the strap of an acoustic guitar and sat on a stool, fiddling with the microphone stand. Their group shushed each other, and dozens of eyes around the room turned to watch.

“Okay, so I’ve not prepped for this whatsoever, but… Yeah. Hope it’s okay.”

It turned out that Yuchan wasn’t okay. He was downright incredible.

Donghun was aware that the girls next to him whispered to each other with grins, was aware of the others drinking and one of them filming, but he didn’t hear any of it. His eyes were utterly transfixed on Yuchan as he sang and played, unable to look away. His voice… It was _beautiful_. Donghun felt hairs rise on the back of his neck, and he had to swallow hard.

He finished the song to a whole room of applause and cheering.

“Do another one!”

Yuchan cringed at his friends, laughing apologetically, but other people called for the same too. Cheeks a little pink, he started to play again – this time some melancholic melody, with notes that rang in the air like a winter shiver. He started singing in Korean, and Donghun felt goose bumps rise across his arms.

Yuchan finished the song and laughed, embarrassed, as he ducked out of the guitar strap and handed it back to the host. He re-joined them at their table with a red face as the entire group exploded with compliments.

When attention finally left the photographer, Donghun caught his eye and fixed him with a look.

“So you never told me you can sing.”

Yuchan laughed a little, playing with the label on his bottle. “I guess not. It’s not something that ever comes up.”

“You kidding? If I could play guitar, I’d bring it up at every conceivable opportunity.” Donghun smirked. “Maybe I should have hired you as a musician.”

“Hey, leave me to my photography.” Yuchan grinned, and their eyes met briefly before they both looked back down at their drinks. “Um, how’s Kai?”

“Yeah, he’s good. So much better.” Donghun felt a little twist at him asking. “We’ve been out for some walks to get some fresh air, but he can’t get very far at the moment. But he’s back to playing dinosaurs and eating chocolate, so he can’t be too sick.”

“I’m really glad.” Their eyes met again, and this time, Yuchan held it. “I’ve been worried about you both.”

They were both pulled from their conversation as Azumi and Madison bounced to their feet, announcing that everyone had to drink up as they were moving on. A brief debate outside in the night air came to the conclusion that it was, in fact, time to go to a club.

“A club club? Or a strip club?” Madison waggled her eyebrows, and there was a jumble of responses from the others.

“Yes! I’ve never been to one!” Azumi cried – like the others, any sobriety had long since gone. “Take me to the naked women!”

“You guys have fun, but I’m going to give that one a hard pass.” Donghun grinned as they booed him, calling him boring. “I’m an old soul, you can’t go making me do tequila and making awkward eye contact with strippers.”

“Actually, me too.” Yuchan shot their friends a grin. “Can’t say boobs are my thing either.”

“Suit yourselves, more for us!”

Donghun watched them go, arm in arm and singing loudly. He snorted softly, shaking his head.

“Well, back to the hotel?” Yuchan rubbed his arms against the cold, and Donghun pursed his lips.

“Would it be super trashy if I asked if we could stop off for takeout along the way?”

Yuchan raised one eyebrow. “What are you thinking?”

“Fries. Just… a load of fries I can shovel in my face.”

“With cheese?”

“Obviously with cheese.” Donghun shook his head like he was offended. “Do you even know me?”

It had been a long time since Donghun had sat in the window of an all-night diner, ploughing through greasy food at two in the morning. If Yuchan’s expression was anything to go by, this had been the best decision all night.

“Man, why is it so good?” he garbled around a mouthful of fries. “Like I’m totally sure that if we came here sober, everything about this would be gross. But right now it’s so good.”

“Right?” Donghun licked cheese from his fingertips. “Who wants strippers when you’ve got fries?”

They finished up, marginally sobered up, and headed back to their hotel. Donghun felt an enormous sense of relief that none of this seemed to be awkward.

They were both on the same floor, and Yuchan stopped as he reached his room first.

“Well, this is me.” He smiled, pushing back his hair. “Hope none of the others are on this floor and come in clanging around drunk.”

“Yeah.” Donghun smiled. For a beat, he hesitated. “Hey, Yuchan?”

“Mm?”

“I never got a chance to say thank you.” He glanced up and met Yuchan’s eyes. “You… I… Without you, I’d have crumbled. I think it was the hardest few days of my life, and… What you did… it kept me going.” He swallowed hard. “I don’t know what I’d have done without you there.”

Yuchan watched him quietly. “I’m just glad I could be there for you.”

Donghun was suddenly aware that they were stood quite close. He was aware of the quietness of the corridor, and Yuchan’s eyes on his face. He was aware that they both tilted their faces slightly at the same time. They hesitated, a fraction from each other’s lips. Then Yuchan closed the distance.

It was like a dose of ecstasy after a painful withdrawal.

Donghun dissolved into him, reaching up both hands to cup his face. It filled him with heat, and the hands on his hips left white-hot imprints. But he pulled back, even though it took all the effort he could muster.

“Yuchan…” he murmured, unable to take his eyes from the other boy’s parted lips. “We shouldn’t be doing this…”

“I know we shouldn’t…”

He couldn’t stop it if he tried. He couldn’t stop Yuchan when he kissed him again, melting into his mouth and dragging him closer. He wanted him _so badly_ , he just wanted to be with him and touch his skin and run his fingers through his hair and look into his eyes and-

Somehow, around him, Yuchan fished out a key card and swiped the door, pushing Donghun back through it without leaving his lips. Donghun struggled for purchase and found the belt loops on Yuchan’s jeans, dragging his hips in closer, and stumbled backwards until his back hit the wall. Yuchan pressed him against it, tugging Donghun’s hair from its knot and kissing his neck as it fell around his face.

Against one wall of the hotel room, a wide window looked out onto the night. Below, the city lights flickered, billboards and bar fronts lit up in neon colours. Yuchan steered Donghun closer, and slipping his hands behind his legs, popped Donghun up onto the windowsill. Through their kiss, he unbuttoned Donghun’s shirt, sliding his hands up his chest and pushing the material free from his shoulders.

“I always _knew_ you were an exhibitionist,” Donghun breathed against Yuchan’s neck as the other boy pulled his t-shirt over his head and discarded it. He came back to Donghun’s mouth, and Donghun let out a muffled noise as his back pressed up against cold glass.

He thought he’d sobered up. But he started to feel like he was out of his damn _mind_. He was complete putty in Yuchan’s hands, absolutely defenceless to any direction Yuchan tilted his face, to the hands that tugged off his jeans, to the fingers that touched him in places that felt like heroin to an addict.

“Fuck,” Yuchan breathed, pulling back – and Donghun made an unconscious grab for him as his body left his personal space. He looked at Donghun, in his place sat naked in the window, lit by city lights. “You look so beautiful.”

Donghun swallowed hard, absolutely helpless under that gaze. It completely wrenched his heart, hearing _beautiful_ slip from Yuchan’s lips. He realised how badly he wanted to hear it again, how much _more_ he wanted to hear. It wasn’t just about sex – he wanted to hear the old whispers of affection he used to give him. Yuchan kissed him hard, slipping his fingers back down between his legs. Not just that. More. _More_. He wanted to hear all the pretty words Yuchan could give him, he wanted to know how he felt about him, he knew he wanted to hear it…

Yuchan pulled him down, turned him around, and pressed him flush to the window. Donghun tried to find purchase with his hands, but his palms slipped, and without even removing his own jeans Yuchan gradually pushed into him.

If everything before felt like the release of a high, this was an overdose.

Donghun looked through hazy eyes at the streets below, distantly aware that the view was pretty. It was all too much, all the colours, the press of Yuchan behind him, warm kisses on his shoulder and in his hair, arms around his middle.

A minute? An hour? Who knew. He gave up to him, this boy who had him wound around his little finger. When Yuchan eventually pulled him back by the hips towards the bed, Donghun struggled to make his shaking hands work on tugging off Yuchan’s jeans. When he did, he slipped over him, grinding down onto Yuchan as the other boy guided his hips.

He still wanted more. He moaned, powerless, and slowed his movements. Yuchan opened his eyes, looking up at him.

He was more than beautiful. More than just this beautiful boy lay underneath him, with his thick dark hair and pretty eyes and perfect skin and impossible body. More than the boy who could turn him from astute and witty to a melted wreck with a few touches of his fingers. He was the only one Donghun had wanted close to him, in every way, since Hyunmi had left him. The only one who had worked his way in, prised out his story, the one who had been there for him and dried his tears and held him through his worst nightmare and _still_ wanted to be here with him.

Donghun needed more. He needed to _know_.

“What?” Yuchan brushed back his hair, holding his gaze. “What is it?”

A moment’s hesitation.

“Do you love me?”

Yuchan didn’t miss a beat. “Yes.”

He didn’t ask for it back. Didn’t ask for a response, simply relented to Donghun’s renewed movements, to his full, deep kisses, until both of them spiralled over the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so excited to share this chapter - I feel like a lot happens and I really enjoyed writing it! Sweet, sweet Yuchan letting go of his hurt to be there for Donghun...
> 
> Thank you as always for reading, for all your kudos and kind comments. I really do appreciate it so much.
> 
> Have a great weekend and see you again soon... Next week, we're heading into the last two chapters..!
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly


	8. Part VIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After four gruelling days in hospital, Kai was discharged and Donghun was able to take his son back home. All the while, Yuchan supported him in every way, and Donghun headed back to Oakland unsure of where it left them. But after a night out together with their work friends, Donghun caved to the temptation of being with Yuchan again - and Yuchan told him he loved him.

Donghun woke up to a distant siren. He shifted, pouting. This wasn’t his bed. Ah – the night out. He was in his hotel room…

He roused when he felt an arm against his. This wasn’t his _own_ hotel room… He looked up, confused, and found Yuchan next to him. Oh, now it came back to him.

_Do you love me?_

_Yes._

He knew he shouldn’t have kissed Yuchan. He definitely shouldn’t have slept with him, and by all _means_ actually staying the night in his bed was a terrible idea. They had been through all this, Donghun couldn’t give Yuchan what he wanted, but…

“Hey.”

He glanced at Yuchan, who looked up at him with warm, sleepy eyes. Donghun went weak: those pretty eyes, those full lips turned up a fraction in an early morning smile, light falling on his bare shoulder. Yuchan pulled him down into a kiss, a quiet kiss, one wrapped up in morning tiredness and the rustling of the duvet. As they broke apart, Yuchan looked at him, his eyes filled with affection.

“You’re so beautiful in the morning,” he murmured, curling Donghun’s hair back behind his ear.

“Your eyes must be playing tricks, because no one could think this puffy face and messy hair is a pretty sight.”

“I do.”

_He loves me_. It was all Donghun could hear echoing in his own mind. It had been so long since someone had loved him, and it was Yuchan - gorgeous, kind, talented Yuchan. It was like a warm sea – inviting waves lapping over him…

…but at the same time, enough to drown him.

“I should get going.” Donghun schooled his face to look apologetic as he pulled away, sitting up in bed and scanning the room for his discarded clothes.

“Do you want to get breakfast..?” Yuchan ventured, and Donghun felt a pang.

“I can’t,” he said, feeling guilty as he tugged on his jeans. “I’ve got to get back for Kai.”

“Oh yeah, of course.” Yuchan looked down at the duvet, tracing the pattern, and Donghun pulled on his shirt quickly.

“Hey.” He sat back down on the bed, making Yuchan look up again. “I’m not just sleeping with you and running, okay?”

“You’d better not be.” Yuchan’s tone was dry, but he met Donghun’s eyes with a faint trace of amusement. “Get home safe?”

“I will. You too.” Donghun’s intended quick peck melted into something more lingering, and then Yuchan pulled him down against his will and rolled over him, making him laugh in protest. “Get off me!”

“Make me.”

For a moment, Donghun gave up, lying there fully clothed with his arms around Yuchan’s bare skin. And then he summoned all his willpower and gave him a firm shove.

“Now lemme go.” Donghun grabbed his wallet and keys from where they’d fallen to the floor from his pockets last night. “Don’t forget to check out in time.”

Donghun pulled the room door shut behind him and let out a slow breath. He started to walk back to his own room, and that same feeling crashed over him again.

Tempting warmth, and a choking sense of drowning.

~

Donghun paced, feeling on edge. He never thought his first sleepover would make him this anxious.

…Okay, so it was Kai’s first sleepover, but the point still stood.

One of the moms from preschool had invited some of the other boys round, and they had all been promised candy and cartoons and a big blanket fort to sleep in in the living room. Donghun fretted. Would Kai be okay going to bed without him there? Would he sleep okay in another bed? Would they have a nightlight turned on for them?

Donghun pulled out his phone and brought up his chat with Byeongkwan.

_Donghun: Do you think Kai will be okay? I’m worried, do you think he’s too young?_

He bit his lip, and the response came almost immediately.

_Byeongkwan: I say this as your husband: you need to chill the fuck out_

Donghun snorted.

_Donghun: Don’t husband me_

It crossed his mind that he’d never asked Byeongkwan about whether he’d had told Sehyoon about their arrangement, now that they were an item.

_Donghun: Btw, have you told Sehyoon about us?_

_Byeongkwan: He thinks it fucking hilarious_

Donghun closed the chat, brooding. It dawned on him, for the first time, that he’d never even asked Yuchan what he thought about the fact he was technically married. He presumed it had never bothered him, because he knew from the start and he’d never brought it up, but Donghun had never taken the time to ask…

Yuchan. Perhaps that was another reason for all this anxiety.

He hesitated, and then unlocked his phone again.

_Donghun: Hey, can we meet and talk?_

He paused, his thumb over the send button, and then clicked. He didn’t like that it carried an ominous tone, but he supposed that couldn’t be helped.

A message pinged.

_Yuchan: I was going to message you to ask the same._

_Donghun: You free this evening? Can I come over?_

_Yuchan: Yeah, sure. I’m at home._

And so Donghun left behind his fretting over Kai, driving the short distance to Yuchan’s.

Donghun was familiar with Yuchan’s place by now. If he had been impressed the first time he had dropped him off outside, it was nothing on the interior. It wasn’t a huge house by any means, but Yuchan and his housemate had filled it with plants on every shelf and in every corner, with framed art hung on the walls. Bookshelves were piled with photography volumes and manga, and a big blackboard in the kitchen was plastered with in-jokes from friends and tacked with polaroid photos.

“Come in.” Yuchan answered the door, dressed in sweatpants with his hair pushed back from his face. Donghun’s heart twisted at the sight of him. “Don’t you have Kai tonight?”

“No, he’s at his first sleepover.” Donghun joined Yuchan at the kitchen table, giving a brief smile. “I was worried he might miss me, but I think it’s the other way around.”

“I’m sure he’ll be okay.” Yuchan smiled as their eyes met, but they both looked away not long after.

“Well… I guess… I guess we never really talked.” Donghun wrung his hands under the table, feeling awkward. “I mean, we sort of shouted a bit, but… I thought, y’know, after a lot has happened since… We should actually talk about our feelings?” He laughed weakly, but it was to cover the fact he was starting to feel a bit too warm and shaky.

“Yeah.” Yuchan’s voice was a little quiet. “That would be good.”

A beat of silence.

“So…” Yuchan continued. “Can we… talk about the fact I said that I love you?”

Donghun’s heart skipped a full beat. His eyes jumped up to Yuchan, and he felt his face go warm. “Yeah.”

Yuchan watched him warily. “I swear to god if you say ‘thanks’, I’m cutting off your ponytail…”

Donghun snorted softly. “Thanks,” he said, a smirk flitting around his lips, and failed to dodge Yuchan’s smack on the arm.

But then he took a breath. He knew he had to start doing some talking.

“I know… I know that how I’ve been with you has been confusing.” Donghun forced himself to meet Yuchan’s eyes. He owed him that. “You asked if I saw this as just a hook-up, and I promise I never have done. And I can see that the way I was with you was… well, I guess I gave you signals that might have meant more… And that was bad enough, but then I leaned on you so much when Kai was in hospital, and then… I know I shouldn’t have slept with you the other night… Yeah. I guess I know I’ve really fucked this up and-”

“Can I stop you?” Donghun paused mid-sentence, and swallowed hard at Yuchan’s gaze. “I know you’re just trying to give me some apology, and… I appreciate that. But Donghun, I… I think we have something.” On the table, Yuchan’s fingers brushed slightly against Donghun’s, and Donghun’s instinct was to twitch his towards Yuchan’s too. “I… I think you’re incredible. Everything about you is so… But more importantly, I think we have something good. Before I asked you what we were, everything was so fun, and I loved spending time with you, and getting to know you, and… And I’m so into you, it’s crazy.” Donghun felt a twinge in his stomach. “And I know we can’t always spend time together, and I know you have to put Kai first and take things easy with bringing someone else into his life. I really get that, I do. And I don’t mind, I wouldn’t rush things or push you to spend all your time with me, nothing like that. So…” Yuchan swallowed, searching his face. “If you feel the same way about me, it’d be a mistake not to try and make things work.”

Donghun hadn’t planned this conversation at all, and suddenly he felt tongue-tied. For a moment, he searched for any words at all.

“Yuchan… It isn’t just that though.” Like the tug of an addiction, he let his fingers loop through Yuchan’s. “Those things… They _are_ a big part of it. But maybe… maybe those are things I use to give myself an excuse of why I can’t ever have a relationship.” He shook his head helplessly. “What happened to me with my ex… It just broke me into pieces. And I’m not sure I ever got put back together.”

“Are you… still in love with her?”

“No! No, absolutely not.” Donghun shook his head quickly. “I never want anything to do with her again. It’s more like… like she stole my belief in love.” He scrabbled for a way to explain himself. “When I was a kid, I was a big romantic, and Hyunmi was the first person I met that I really fell for. I absolutely gave myself to her – all that soppy, romantic stuff? I did it. And when we had Kai, I thought nothing would ever break us apart. I’d planned to propose to her on Kai’s first birthday.”

He swallowed, looking down. He’d had no money, desperately trying to support his girlfriend and baby, but he had taken on every scrap of overtime possible to buy a ring. Nothing fancy, but he had worked himself to the bone just to afford it.

“And then she… she did what she did. I came home from work early one evening to surprise her, but she wasn’t home. And then a car pulled up, and I saw her kissing that other guy. She had Kai with her and everything.” His knuckles clenched. “And it damaged me so much. I’m not saying I’m not fine now – of course I’m fine. I got over it, eventually, and my life with Kai is good, here in Oakland.”

Yuchan tightened his grip on Donghun’s hand. “You know… I would work through that with you.”

“But that’s not it, Yuchan. There’s… nothing to work through. I worked through it. But I never found a way to make myself whole again.”

“But are you going to live your entire life and never let love in again?” Yuchan forced him to meet his eyes. He looked nervous. “Or… are you just saying all this because you just don’t feel that way about me..?”

“No, no, it’s not that…” Donghun ran his hand through his hair. “But you’re just… Yuchan, you’re young and happy. You’re focussing on your amazing career, and your friends, and your passion… I’m focussing on trying to raise a son, by myself, and it’s just… You’re so carefree.”

“Are you saying I could never understand?” Yuchan’s voice sounded shaky. “I’ve been hurt too…”

“But it’s not the same. You don’t know _this_ kind of pain, Yuchan, you’re just a kid…”

He realised how bad it sounded the second it was beyond his lips. He wished desperately that he could take it back, but the look on Yuchan’s face told him he couldn’t. But as he drew back his hand from Donghun’s, there was much more – Yuchan stared at him, tears welling in his eyes.

“You aren’t the only one who’s felt pain!” Yuchan shouted, shoving back his chair and standing up. He put his hands to his face as he turned his back on Donghun.

“Yuchan…” Donghun got to his feet too, taking a step towards him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean you’d never been hurt by someone, I just-”

“I was engaged!”

It hung in the air and left behind it a crushing stillness.

Tears began to roll down Yuchan’s face, one after the other. Donghun froze on the spot.

“I was engaged,” Yuchan echoed, looking at him helplessly. For a moment, he fought with his words, and when he began to speak again his voice trembled. “We met when I was eighteen, and we got engaged when I was twenty-one. He was the love of my life.” Yuchan raised a shaking finger to point at the photos on the blackboards. One of the pictures showed a young Yuchan with another boy, with striking angular eyes and soft features. Both of their faces were split into a smile. “I had already enlisted in the military back home in Korea, and I had to leave a few months after we met. But we were already madly in love, and we wrote letters to each other the whole time, and called. When I finally came back to the US it was the best feeling in the world.”

Yuchan sniffed back his tears, but they continued to drip from his chin. “We moved straight in with each other and everything was just perfect. I was working on my photography, he worked in a gallery, and between us we didn’t have a lot of money, but we made it work. And then Ardash proposed to me on New Year’s. He and I planned our whole wedding, and I was… I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him.”

For a moment, Yuchan paused, choked by emotion.

“One day… One day he was leaving for work, and he was in a rush because he was always so lazy in the mornings.” A choked sob. “And I’d made him sushi for lunch, it was his favourite, and he grabbed it from the side really quick and waved as he left. But he… he never got to eat it. He was killed in a car crash on his way to work.”

No.

Donghun closed his eyes, heartbroken.

“I never said goodbye. He just left and then I got a phone call and I… never said goodbye.”

Wordlessly, Donghun stepped forward, taking Yuchan in his arms. For a long minute, he just held him tight while he cried. There was nothing he could say.

“Yuchan, I’m so sorry…”

“No… Please don’t.” Yuchan pulled away, even though Donghun tried to keep him close. “I didn’t want to tell you because I don’t want sympathy. I don’t need people pitying me.” Tears still slid from his chin. “But I’ve been _shattered_ , Donghun. I’ve known pain that nearly _drowned_ me. For a time, I didn’t even want to be alive.” He took a ragged breath. “So don’t _ever_ say I’m just a kid who wouldn’t understand what pain feels like.”

“Yuchan, I’m truly so sorry, I had no idea… I…”

But he was right. Donghun stared at him, his heart pounding. All along, that had been his narrative, hadn’t it? So blinkered to his own past, he had never even thought it possible that Yuchan could have been through something just as painful – or even worse. Yuchan had never told him, no, but then why should he have had to offer it up to Donghun just to stop Donghun writing him off as a naïve kid?

“You don’t need to apologise.” Yuchan wiped his face, fighting a visible battle to stop crying. “That’s not what this is. I just want you to understand me. I got broken, but I healed slowly. I talked to a lot of people, I focussed on photography… And I thought I’d never fall in love again. But then I met you.” His eyes brimmed again. “And I thought that, maybe, you were a reason worth trying to love again. We might both have been broken, but I thought perhaps we could build something new, together, from our old pieces.”

“Yuchan… I wish I’d known… but I…” He searched him, beseeching him to understand. “How am I supposed to believe in love again?”

It wasn’t rhetorical. He wanted to know. He was _begging_ to know.

“By looking at what’s right in front of you!” Yuchan threw out his hands. “By seeing that I care about you, and that I wouldn’t _ever_ hurt you, and that all I want to do is make you happy! By looking at the fact you do know love, because I see you give yourself fully to Kai every single day. _That’s_ the person you are when you love, Donghun. And that’s never gone away.”

Donghun was mute.

“None of us can change what happened in our pasts, but we can all decide how to face our futures. You _choose_ to define yourself by your past. How about you define yourself by who you are today? An incredible dad, an amazing wedding planner, and a beautiful man who’s smart and independent, and worthy of so much love? Why can’t you define yourself by that?!”

His words hung in the air and faded to silence.

The front door made the sound of opening and closing, and footsteps marked the arrival of someone else. Donghun looked over his shoulder to find Yuchan’s housemate Junhee appear, looking between them cautiously with his keys between his fingers.

“Is… everything okay here?” he asked slowly, and Yuchan turned away, crying into one hand.

“Yuchan…” Donghun took a step towards him, but Junhee put out a hand to block his path. He crossed instead to Yuchan, putting an arm around his friend.

“I think you should go.” Junhee fixed Donghun with a cold stare, and Donghun swallowed hard. “He’ll call you if he wants to talk to you.”

Donghun didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to let Yuchan cry any longer, he wanted to wipe his tears and hold him until he was okay again… But he stepped backwards, and then turned and made his way out the house.

~

Two weeks seemed to crawl by. There was always a distinct gap in weddings between midwinter and the end of spring, when wedding season kicked off again, and Donghun had several weekends in a row wedding-free. He caught up on a whole lot of planning and organising, relished spending time with Kai, and tried to actually set aside some time for himself, too.

In that time, he didn’t once hear from Yuchan.

It ate away at him. Every scrap of their conversation: Yuchan’s revelation, his confirmation of his love, his frustration at Donghun’s mindset… It turned over and over again, and Donghun found that no matter how he felt in the day, he went to bed every night feeling sad.

Making the most of a Sunday afternoon, he took Kai around to Byeongkwan’s. Their plans to go out were aborted as rain began to drum down, and Kai was happily glued to Byeongkwan’s iPad with headphones in.

“So, I wonder if you wanna meet Sehyoon some time?” It came as a nonchalant offer from Byeongkwan, but Donghun lit up instantly.

“Of course I do!” He shot Byeongkwan a smirk. “I bet he’s got a load of dirt on you he can tell me.”

“God, that’s the first thing you think of,” Byeongkwan scowled. “But yes, he does. _Tonnes_.” He sipped his coffee. “So… Where’s your head at these days?”

“About..?”

“Yuchan.” Byeongkwan peered at him, his voice gentle. “You’ve gone awful quiet these last few weeks.”

“Yeah… sorry about that.” Donghun looked down into his coffee, uncomfortable. “It all… kind of blew up.”

“Blew up..?”

“Yeah.” Donghun cleared his throat. “You know he stayed with me at the hospital with Kai? Well… I mean… Even then, I guess things were a bit… We sort of kipped down together and held hands.” Byeongkwan rolled his eyes. “And… at that work night out, we stayed in the same room.”

“You slept with him?!”

“Yeah.” Donghun chewed his cheek, watching Byeongkwan for his reaction. “And he… told me he loved me.”

“What?!” Byeongkwan sat bolt upright. “Just out of the blue?!”

Donghun felt his face warm. “Actually… I kind of asked him.” Byeongkwan’s eyes were incredulous. “We were…” He lowered his voice with a glance at Kai, and made a pointed face at his friend. “And it got intense and I was so caught up and I… I asked him if he loved me. He said yes.”

“Did you say it back?”

“…No.”

“Hun!” Byeongkwan’s face was crestfallen. “What the hell happened after that?”

“Well, I went over to his to talk. I tried to apologise – you know, say I was sorry because I knew I’d given him mixed messages but… He said all this stuff about how we should give it a go because we have something good. And I… I tried to explain how badly Hyunmi messed me up. I sort of said he might not understand how I feel to have been through something big like that…” Donghun swallowed. “And he told me he’d been engaged to someone who died in a car accident.”

“God above.”

“Yeah. So he understood what it felt like to… y’know, have a big thing in your past that still hurts.”

Byeongkwan put his head in his hands, letting out a measured breath. Donghun watched him.

“You know you’ve been a complete and utter asshole, don’t you?” Donghun jolted, and was shocked to find Byeongkwan looking borderline angry. “Hun, I love you whole-heartedly. But Jesus _Christ_ , you’ve messed this poor kid about! He told you he wanted a relationship, you didn’t, and it should have damn well ended there.” Byeongkwan shook his head. “I’ve been there. I’ve been that guy who doesn’t want a relationship. And I’ve stopped seeing them straight away because once you _know_ you’re on a different page, it’s not fair to keep stringing someone along.”

“I didn’t mean for it to… It just happened…”

“It doesn’t matter! You slept with him again, and you gave him hope again. Why, _why_ did you ask him if he loved you? Did you want him to say yes?!”

“Kwan, you don’t get it. That night, there was so much between us, I was just looking at him and my god I-”

“Yeah, but it’s not fair on him for you to only feel there’s something between you two when he’s got his dick in you.”

Donghun went hot all over.

“Could you not,” he managed, nodding at Kai. Byeongkwan scoffed.

“Oh he’s fine, Peppa Pig is too busy being a brat for him to hear us.”

For a moment, they sat in silence. Donghun stared at the floor.

“It’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it?” Byeongkwan raised an eyebrow in challenge. “Then how is it?”

“This isn’t just about a hook-up.” His voice started to rise. “God, _why_ does everyone think that of me?! Byeongkwan, I haven’t slept with anyone else since Hyunmi. I haven’t kissed someone in _four years_. Why would I start doing that now?!”

“Then why don’t you want a relationship?!”

“Because I’m _scared!_ ”

Byeongkwan’s eyebrows shot up at the wobble in Donghun’s voice. Donghun stared at him, his throat tight.

“I’m scared.” He suddenly felt small. “I’m scared because I think I love him.”

He’d never let himself think it, let alone say it out loud.

It wasn’t just when they slept together. It was every time they were together. Every time Yuchan smiled at him, or played with Kai, or lined up his camera to take a shot. It was in every evening over dinner, and every drive to a wedding, and in every afternoon working together over coffee without talking. Donghun just wanted him there. Because with Yuchan, every day was filled with sunshine.

“Well,” Byeongkwan said softly. “That makes a lot more sense.”

“I’m just so afraid.” Donghun looked down, his hands shaking. “What if it happened again? What if… what if I let myself love him, and he left me and it all fell apart?”

“And what if it didn’t?” Byeongkwan reached over and took one of his hands. “What if it was something really cool, something that made you happy?” Byeongkwan paused. “Do you trust him?”

“I think I do,” he managed, his throat sticking.

“Then that’s all you need.” Byeongkwan squeezed his fingers. “And Donghun, if it didn’t work out? You’d still survive. You survived last time, in the worst possible circumstances. You’d survive again. And this time, I wouldn’t be half the world away – I’d be right here, down the road.” He smiled gently. “I think something like what you have is worth a shot.”

“He said I define myself by the past too much, instead of choosing my own future.”

Byeongkwan snorted softly. “Man, I like this kid already.” He shook Donghun’s fingers gently. “It’s not too late to choose, you know. And maybe I’m not the one you should be admitting all this to.”

Donghun met his eyes.

“You’re right.” And finally, he let out a shaky breath. “God, you’re right. I… I love him, and I need to tell him.”

“No time like the present.” Donghun looked at him in surprise and Byeongkwan gave him a nudge. “Go on, go. I’ve got Kai. I can tolerate Peppa Pig while you go and run to your boy.”

Donghun’s heart began to beat fast. He got to his feet, a smile staining his face, and then grabbed his sneakers and wrenched them on. He only hesitated in the doorway to turn to Byeongkwan.

“Kwan?” His friend looked around. “I love you. Really.”

“I know, I know – now get outta here!”

Outside, the rain was still pouring. Donghun ran to his car, pulling across the seatbelt with shaking fingers. Yuchan only lived a ten-minute drive from here. He pulled out of the parking lot and put his foot down.

The traffic halted his progress as he got close to his destination. Donghun drummed his fingers, and then his eyes caught on a sign. _Festival traffic: heavy delays expected._

“Oh, fuck this.”

He had to get to Yuchan. He couldn’t wait any longer. God, he’d been such an _idiot_ , and he had to tell him!

Donghun turned off the main road and into a residential block, and parked up on the side of the street. He jumped out and flung the door shut, and set off on foot, breaking into a run.

Rain poured down on over him as he ran, but a smile broke out on his face.

All this time, he’d let fear stop him taking that next step. And yes, perhaps it was scary – he was making himself vulnerable, but _god_ , this wasn’t just anyone. This was Yuchan. This was the first person he’d trusted in four years, the first person that had nestled into his heart. Despite all the walls he kept up around himself, Yuchan had broken them down – getting to know him, and his story, and all of his faults, and loving him all the same.

He could no longer hear the fear of failure, because love had taken its place.

His wet hair clung to his forehead and his clothes were soaked through. He breathed hard as he made it to Yuchan’s road. Who cared? Who cared if he turned up drenched and out of breath, this was his moment, this was what he had to do.

He hit the doorbell twice.

A smile was already on his face-

“Hi.” An unfamiliar face greeted him – a boy about his own age, with red hair and a smattering of freckles.

“Hi.” Donghun struggled to catch his breath. “Is Yuchan here?”

“Chan?” The boy shook his head. “Uh, I moved in with Junhee last week. Chan moved out so I took his room.”

_What_..?

“He moved out..?” Donghun echoed. What the hell? Yuchan hadn’t told him anything about planning to move..?

“Yeah. Think it was a pretty last-minute thing.

“Do you know where he went?” Donghun stuttered.

“Sorry bud, I don’t know him myself. Think Junhee said something about him staying with family before moving on?”

“Moving..?” Donghun stared at the boy, and then realised he was just stood dripping on a stranger’s doorstep. “O-okay, sorry. Thanks.”

He turned his back, staring at the front garden as the door clicked shut behind him.

Yuchan had moved? It had been little over two weeks since their talk – and Yuchan hadn’t told him anything about a plan to move. Staying with family before moving on? Moving on to _where_? Donghun took a deep breath. Maybe he was just getting his own place? Yeah. That must be it.

He pulled out his phone, planning to call him. But he jolted as he found a notification from the boy in question in the middle of the screen. Not a message, though - an email, sent to his work address.

_New email: YuchanKangPhotography@gmail.com_

_RE: Important notice_

_Dear Donghun,_

_Please accept my resignation from your team, effective immediately. Apologies that I couldn’t give you longer notice; I hope that it being off-peak makes things a little easier._

_Thank you for all the opportunities._

_Yuchan_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are - one chapter remains!
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this part. Yuchan's revelation was one of the first things I planned - his burden kept tucked away until he could keep it in no longer. I also love writing Kwan in this fic - he's so cool but got such a good head on him.
> 
> I also realised that for the entirity of the fic, Yuchan's housemate was - in my head - Junhee, but it hadn't even come up once. So - a Junhee cameo!
> 
> Fun fic trivia: part of my writing process is reading my chapter out loud before I post it as a final check. Which means I am literally sat here on my sofa acting out Yuchan and Donghun's big emotional scenes out loud, like a complete fruitloop.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, and I'll see you soon for our conclusion!
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly


	9. Part VIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After spending another night in Yuchan's bed and hearing him confess his love, Donghun went to speak to Yuchan and got more than he bargained for: Yuchan had been engaged, before losing his fiance in a tragic accident. Reeling from the realisation that he isn't the only one who has felt pain, Donghun was confronted by Byeongkwan, who forced him to realise that he has been in love with Yuchan all along.
> 
> But after a movie-moment of running to Yuchan in the rain to confess his feelings, Donghun turned up to find Yuchan gone, and an email of resignation in his inbox...

“That was quick, did you-”

Byeongkwan stopped mid-sentence as he saw Donghun’s face.

“He’s gone.”

“Gone?” Byeongkwan echoed. “Yuchan? Gone where?”

“He’s moved out.” Donghun chucked down his car keys and sat down next to Byeongkwan and Kai on the sofa. “I just… I rang the door and some guy answered, said he’d moved in with Yuchan’s housemate last week.”

“What?!” Byeongkwan stared at him. “Did he mention to you he had any plans to move?”

“No… I thought maybe he could be getting his own place, but he sent me this…”

Donghun held up his phone. It shook slightly in his fingers as Byeongkwan read the email: Yuchan’s resignation.

Why would he resign? Yes, Yuchan had been upset when Donghun had left last time… But had it been enough to make him quit his job? Did he regret telling Donghun about his late fiancé so much that he couldn’t face coming back to work? But Donghun had so much he needed to tell him, he could fix this, he could fix everything…

“Uh, Hun?”

Byeongkwan pointed at the screen, and Donghun turned his phone back towards him. He jolted. _Incoming call: Yuchannie._

“Hey,” he answered quickly, jumping to his feet and walking into his bedroom, swiftly closing the door.

“Hey…” Yuchan sounded strained. “Um, did you get my email?”

“Yes, yeah – Yuchan, you don’t have to quit, I-”

“I do, I’m sorry-”

“But I need to talk to you!” Donghun scraped his fingers through his hair. “Where are you? I just went to your house and got told you moved out? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine… You went to my house..?”

“Yeah, I… I just really need to talk to you.” Donghun had so much to say, _too_ much to say, and doing it over the phone wouldn’t cut it. “I need to see you. Please.”

There was a long pause.

“I…” Yuchan let out an audible breath. “Yeah, okay. I’m at my mom’s.” After another pause, he gave Donghun an address; he scrabbled for a pen and wrote it on his palm. “What do you..?”

“Please. I’ll… I’ll head over now. Just let me talk to you face to face.”

“…Okay.”

Donghun dashed back out to the living room, grabbing his jacket from where he’d only just discarded it.

“He’s at his mom’s place, I need to go…” Donghun stopped, looking at Byeongkwan helplessly. “I’m sorry-”

“Stop with the apologising,” Byeongkwan said quickly. “Go! Go get your man.”

Yuchan’s parents lived forty minutes away over in Fairfield, and the drive was almost unbearable. Donghun put music on to try and make the time go faster, but after two songs he jabbed the off button and drove the rest of the distance in silence.

It was a pretty house, nestled at the end of a street with a front garden filled with spilling plant pots. Donghun checked the number twice and swallowed hard, ringing the bell and pulling his fingers inside his sleeves in trepidation.

A middle-aged lady opened the door, smile lines etched into the skin around her eyes.

God, Yuchan looked just like his mom.

“Oh… You must be Donghun,” she said in Korean, and Donghun quickly ducked into a bow, transitioning back into etiquette from home.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Footsteps sounded on the staircase behind her and Donghun looked up to meet Yuchan’s eyes. He was dressed in a big jumper and sweatpants, and his step faltered just slightly as he saw Donghun in the doorway.

“Well, come in,” Mrs Kang said with a wave of her hand, and with a glance at her son, left them alone.

“Hey…” Donghun looked up at Yuchan and attempted a smile. “Thanks for letting me come over.”

“It’s okay.” Yuchan glanced away and swallowed; he didn’t look comfortable at all, and it made Donghun’s pulse pick up. “Let’s go sit in the kitchen.”

Donghun followed him through a door to their right and found himself in a long galley kitchen with fresh muffins cooling on the side. Framed black and white photos adorned the wall, and Donghun instantly recognised Yuchan’s distinctive style.

“I’m sorry I did it by email.” Yuchan slid onto a stool at the breakfast bar, looking down at his hands. “I just thought I’d… I thought it would be easier to do it that way.”

“It’s okay…” Donghun hesitated, then sat on the stool opposite him. “I was just worried… I found you’d left your house and quit work and I…” He swallowed, searching Yuchan’s face as the photographer kept his eyes down on his fingers. “Yuchan, you don’t have to leave because of what’s happ-”

“It’s not-” he started, and then stopped just as abruptly. “I’m not running away.” It came out as barely more than a whisper.

“Then… why are you leaving..?”

“I’ve taken a job in Tokyo.”

Yuchan finally met his eyes.

Donghun stared at him.

A cat brushed past his legs, but he barely registered it.

“Tokyo..?” he echoed. “What do you mean..?”

“I got offered a position for a year at Maiko Studio in Ginza – it’s the biggest photography studio in the country.” Yuchan’s hands were shaking.

“You..?” Donghun’s words failed him. “You’re… moving to Japan?”

“Yeah.”

Donghun’s heart was racing. Yuchan was leaving? Not just work… but the country? No, that couldn’t be right, because Yuchan loved him, and he loved Yuchan – he just had to tell him. He just had to stop this-

“Don’t…” Yuchan looked up sharply as Donghun stumbled over his words. “…Don’t go..?”

Yuchan looked away, the picture of discomfort.

Donghun was struck, quite suddenly, that that wasn’t what he needed to say. He was actually struck that perhaps what he needed to say was nothing – that perhaps this was his time to listen. He was confused – how had this happened? _When_ had this happened? And why – why was Yuchan making the decision to leave everything behind?

He took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry… I’m just shocked.” Donghun waited until Yuchan looked back at him. “Um… A lot has happened. Between us… and this. I’ve been thinking that I… I haven’t done a very good job at checking in with how you feel. I’ve… I’ve been too focussed on myself.” He hoped his apology carried on his words. “When did you decide this? Is this… because of..?”

Yuchan nodded faintly, playing with the edge of a sleeve.

And he started talking, slowly at first, and gradually the words grew stronger.

“Donghun… You should know… I was infatuated with you as soon as I met you.” Donghun’s heart jolted. “I walked in to meet you at that venue and I just… my heart skipped a beat.” Yuchan shook his head. “I thought you were gorgeous. And you had a dry sense of humour, and took your job seriously, and I went home that night thinking I was just going to have to get over a bit of a workplace crush. You know, those dizzy spells you get because someone’s attractive, and they pass pretty quickly.

“But then I started to get to know you. And you made me laugh, and you were clearly intelligent and ambitious, and you were so great with the wedding guests, and then I met Kai and I saw the two of you together and…” Another shaking of his head. “You were so soft and gentle with him. It was this whole new side to you. And then that night in your front room – I felt something crazy. Like I listened to your story and you’re just… so strong, and I could tell you cared _so much_ about Kai. And ever since that first kiss I haven’t stopped thinking about you.

“And I was scared too.” Yuchan swallowed as he continued. Donghun met his eyes, feeling his own throat constrict. “I was scared when we started to spend time together, because I felt… I felt guilty. For moving on from Ardash.” He looked down into his lap. For a beat, he was quiet. “I’d once told myself I’d never meet anyone else, after he passed away. And then after a couple of years, I started to get drunk and hook up with people, and that was bad enough. I’d cry the next day because it felt like I’d betrayed him. But with you… my feelings for you were so strong. And… you already know this, but I thought you felt the same, so I pushed down all these fears and voices of guilt and went with it.

“When you said you didn’t want a relationship… I was crushed. I really was. But I talked to Junhee, and to my mom, and they tried to help me understand that I can’t just assume a relationship from someone if we’ve not talked about it.”

“You can though,” Donghun murmured. “You can assume it, if the other person basically treats you like their boyfriend for months…”

His words momentarily threw Yuchan.

“I mean… Thanks for saying that.” Yuchan looked down again and cleared his throat. “Anyway, I tried to move on… but seeing you at work all the time made it really hard. And that’s when I got offered the job in Tokyo.” He took a steadying breath. “I wasn’t sure what to do. And that’s when Kai got sick.

“Spending that time supporting you and Kai… I just realised I was completely in love with you.” Yuchan let out a shaky breath, meeting Donghun’s eyes. “I sort of thought I was before – I mean… I kept nearly saying ‘I love you’ when we were together… But then I’d think about it after and wonder if I was getting carried away. But after that week… I just knew it. Seeing you so vulnerable… I knew I’d do anything for you. And that’s love.”

Unexpected tears prickled the back of Donghun’s eyes. He swallowed.

“I was still trying to deal with the job offer when we went to the night out for Azumi’s birthday.” Yuchan pulled his sleeves down over his hands protectively. “And… well… we spent the night together, and you asked me if I loved you, and I thought maybe… maybe you’d changed your mind.”

Donghun felt a snap of guilt. Byeongkwan’s words rang in his head: _You slept with him again, and you gave him hope again._

“You left in a hurry the next morning and I could tell something was wrong. But then you asked to come and talk and I… I guess I did really hope that you’d changed your mind about us. I thought… because you’d asked me about love… maybe you’d taken some time and realised some things… But you just gave me the same story. And said you don’t even believe in love.

“That’s when I realised I had to get away. Because… because I’m in love, and you’re not, and that’s okay. But I can’t be here. Not working for you. Not living down the road from you.” Donghun wanted to cut in – but he knew he had to let Yuchan say his piece. “And I kept thinking about how maybe I should have opened up to you about Ardash earlier on, and maybe we’d have gotten closer if I’d have been more open too… But either way, what happened, happened. Your heart isn’t open and that’s something for you to choose to change, if you ever want to, not for me to try and change.”

He stopped talking, and the kitchen grew quiet.

Everything made sense. Donghun had never, _ever_ intended to play with Yuchan’s emotions… but he could see how his actions and his words had contradicted the entire time. Treating him like he loved him – yet telling him he didn’t believe in love. And all while Yuchan was coping with moving on from Ardash… Donghun wished he had known. Would it have made things different..?

“Yuchan, I’m so sorry.” He wanted to reach out and take his hand, but he resisted. He settled instead for meeting his eyes and searching his face. “I know words make for a poor apology, but I understand everything about how you’ve felt. The way I treated you was like a boyfriend, but I held you at arm’s length when it mattered. And then I relied on you in hospital, came back to sleep with you… I know it’s a cliché but please know that I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know that.” Yuchan’s voice was quiet. “We wouldn’t be sat here if I didn’t.”

“It’s not of much help… but Byeongkwan told me I was a fucking asshole too,” Donghun continued sardonically. “It helped me realise… All I’ve done was focus on my own past and my own anxieties… and not think about you. I know that I made you feel like this didn’t mean anything to me, but I need you to know… You’ve always meant something to me.” Yuchan met his eyes, and Donghun knew this was his moment. He had to get this right.

“Do you know how many people I’ve slept with since Hyunmi? None. Just you. I haven’t even kissed anyone but you, in four _years_. You’re the only person I’ve let in, and let my guard down with. That’s who you are to me… the first person I wanted to let in again. You think _I’m_ somehow this great guy? Yuchan, I can’t begin to tell you how perfect you are.” His voice caught. “You’re full of happiness, incredibly perceptive, unbelievably talented… Just being in the same room as you makes me happy.

“And I…” Donghun stopped, swallowing hard. “I did realise, when we were apart. I’ve been so stupid. I… I love you.”

It felt huge, saying it out loud to him. And at the same time, it felt soft, and easy, and like nothing at all.

Yuchan stared at him.

And that’s when Donghun expected a response. Happiness, surprise, relief…

… But Yuchan just looked incredibly shaky.

“But Donghun, why are you telling me this now?!”

Donghun sat looking at him helplessly.

“I… I thought I had to come and tell you… I feel the s-”

“Now? When I-I’ve taken this job? When I’m moving five-thousand miles away?!”

Everything around Donghun felt like it was unravelling.

“I thought I… I had to tell you,” he stammered. “If we love each other, then everything you wanted…”

“It doesn’t work like that!” Donghun froze as Yuchan raised his voice. He took a deep breath, rubbing his forehead desperately. His voice came back down. “Life isn’t a romantic drama, Donghun! You can’t make a mess of everything and then realise you like someone after all and suddenly everything’s fine!” Yuchan’s eyes searched him, imploring. “You told me you didn’t want something – even when I told you I loved you – and now I’ve made a decision to move and I’ve shipped all my stuff out… What do you expect, for me to drop everything for you?!”

“I... I…”

But no words came to Donghun. Yuchan’s meaning seeped into him.

He was too late.

And Yuchan was right. Of course he was. Donghun had confused himself, and confused Yuchan – and swanning in here confessing his love when Yuchan had left his job and made plans to try to move on… It was unfair.

Silence fell on the kitchen.

“Well that’s what I-” The door opened, and a man froze, one foot in the doorway. Yuchan’s dad took one glance at them, eyes wide, and then held up his hand in apology. The door shut again with a quiet click.

Donghun took a steadying breath.

“I’m so sorry, Yuchan. You’re right.”

He hated the tears that swam in Yuchan’s eyes. Hated the way he pulled his hands into his jumper and held them to his chest, like his heart was hurting.

“I just… I just wanted you to tell me all this two months ago.” Yuchan’s voice was small and trembling, and Donghun’s chest stung. “I wanted a reason to stay.”

And Donghun could have been that reason. But he’d missed his chance.

“So… you’re really going to Japan?” Donghun swallowed as Yuchan nodded. “When do you go?”

“Tomorrow.”

“And… it’s… it’s a year?”

“Yeah. I’ll probably come back to Oakland after… but I’m not sure yet. I might stay.”

Donghun nodded, feeling like he was in a dream. It started to get a little bit hard to breathe, and he began to blink quickly, but before he knew it, he was blinking tears from his lash line.

“I’m an idiot for letting you slip away.”

Yuchan kept his eyes resolutely away, but put up a sleeved hand to his face to soak up the drops that trickled down his own cheeks.

“But you know,” Donghun managed, because he had to say _something._ “This opportunity is amazing… and… you’re going to be amazing.”

Yuchan nodded. “Yeah. And maybe some time away from Oakland is something I’ve needed for a few years… since the accident. Do some real healing.”

Donghun nodded too. Yuchan was so bright, so positive, and well-adjusted – but that was how healing worked, wasn’t it? Never linear, and always ongoing. And always, always started from the conscious decision to _try_ to heal.

“Maybe it’s time for me to do some healing too,” Donghun managed, his voice still tight. “Instead of using my old wounds as an excuse to stay living in the past.”

Yuchan finally met his eyes. “I’m glad you want to try that.”

Another silence fell over the two of them.

“Can we… be friends?” Donghun asked.

Yuchan looked away. Eyes filling up again, he shook his head.

“I can’t… I’d always want to be more than friends with you. I need some space.” He pulled at threads on his jumper, a tear rolling down his cheek.

Donghun watched him. It was like being inside a fortress he’d trapped himself in – so busy keeping his walls up high, that he hadn’t noticed their very foundations crumbling away from the bottom. His heart twisted as Yuchan wiped his face. He just wanted to hold him, he just wanted to be with him, and he didn’t want him to move away… He knew how badly he’d messed this up but he just wanted to make things okay…

“I… I’ll wait for you.” It slipped out of his lips before he could stop it.

Yuchan looked at him. “No, that’s not… I can’t commit to… I don’t know if I’m coming back.”

“You don’t have to.” Donghun felt a little desperate. “I’m not asking you to hold on for me. But… But if… if you do come back to Oakland in a year… and you want to meet up, just… get in touch?”

Yuchan held his gaze for a long moment. Then his lip wobbled, and he nodded once.

Another one of those painful silences. And this time, Donghun realised that it was time for him to leave.

Yuchan followed him wordlessly to the front door. Donghun’s hand shook as he pulled back the latch, and it took all of his strength to turn back to Yuchan.

“Can I hug you?” he croaked.

Yuchan’s bottom lip trembled, but he nodded.

Donghun sank against him, squeezing his eyes tight shut. He never wanted to leave his arms.

“Good luck,” he whispered. “You’re going to be incredible. Travel safe.”

Yuchan didn’t move from where he clung onto him.

Donghun swallowed hard, turning his forehead against Yuchan’s hair. “I’m so sorry.”

Yuchan took a ragged breath.

Eventually, gradually, the photographer pulled away. Donghun let his arms slip away, helpless, as their eyes met.

“Will you… tell Kai I’ll miss him?”

Donghun’s heart splintered. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Of course.”

And Donghun turned, without another glance back, because a moment more would have been enough to kill him.

He got into his car and started the ignition with shaking fingers. He pulled away, unable to look back up at the house, focussing completely on the road in front of him. But he only drove for a couple of blocks before pulling up. He put his face in his hands and leaned against the wheel, sobs breaking from his chest as his heart all but shattered.

~

Donghun shifted against the pillow with a sigh. It was late – ten in the morning late – and he never slept in like this. But it was Sunday, and he had nowhere to be, and there was still that little ache in his chest that held him down like a lead weight.

It was a week since Yuchan had left the country.

He rarely used social media – only for his business – but he had checked in on Instagram relentlessly over the past seven days. His throat had constricted when he had seen that first post that located him in south Tokyo, of a sleepy looking Yuchan in a mask and bucket hat. _Landed, ready for a new adventure._ Donghun had felt guilty at the way that caption had twisted his heart.

He reached for his phone now, ignoring the voice in his head that told him that this wasn’t good for him. He opened the app, clicking through to Yuchan’s profile. A pretty photo of a strawberry cake, and a photo taken in a mirror two hours ago.

_First day tomorrow, I’ve picked out my outfit already, heh. Wish me luck!_

Donghun’s heart skipped. He was in tight black jeans and the delicately patterned floral shirt he had worn on his first wedding shoot in Donghun’s team. Donghun remembered him struggling to roll the sleeves, until Donghun had done them for him. Those had been the days Yuchan would go pink around him – he only realised now that what he had presumed had been awkwardness was actually the first signs of Yuchan’s feelings.

He swallowed down the lump in his throat.

“Good luck, you beautiful boy,” he whispered.

With hesitant fingers, he clicked to log out of his account.

It was the right thing to do, to stop obsessively following Yuchan, but it still felt like a blow. He let his phone drop to the bed, and turned himself against his pillow, pulling the duvet up over his head.

Since driving home from Yuchan’s parents’, he had only cried once. He had felt like crying every minute of the day, but that wasn’t in his nature. But he had met Byeongkwan one evening and it had all burst out. When he had collected Kai on his way home from seeing Yuchan, he had told his best friend he didn’t want to talk about it, but sitting with him over a bottle of wine a few days later had brought all the regret and hurt rushing to the surface. He had sat at Byeongkwan’s kitchen table and sobbed until his throat hurt.

_I’m useless. Why did I fuck everything up? I hurt the best boy I’ve known, and now I’ve lost him… I’m such a useless cunt…_

He had heard the sharp intake of breath from Byeongkwan even with his face buried in his arms on the table.

_If you drop that word to describe yourself one more time, Donghun, I’m getting the kitchen scissors and lopping off your hair._

It had made him gulp on his tears, the stupidity of his threat. Even though everything hurt, he had looked up at his best friend.

_Why does everyone use that as a threat against me?_

Somehow, it had prised a tearful laugh from him. And then Byeongkwan had taken his hand.

_You know… People can hurt other people without being bad. You’re not a bad person. You’re a brilliant person. One of the best. But you’re human… and humans make mistakes. Doesn’t make it any less painful but… you can learn from it. You don’t need to write yourself off._

That had stuck with him. He sighed into the pillow now. Perhaps he wasn’t a bad person, but the weight of hurting Yuchan still sat heavy in his soul. And good person or not, he had lost him, and lost something that could have been beautiful.

God, was he ever going to get out of bed.

He lay for another couple of minutes, brooding. But he was pulled from his thoughts by a stifled little giggle. He listened out, and then small fingers tickled the bare foot he had left sticking out from the duvet.

“No!” he shrieked, yanking the duvet off his face to find Kai at the end of his bed, losing his mind with giggles. Donghun couldn’t help but split into a grin at his son’s laughter, and then with a growl he grabbed him and planted him down with faux force onto the bed.

“You little goblin,” he scolded, attacking Kai with belly tickles until he screeched. “Why would you do that to Daddy?”

“Daddy’s… lazy!”

What a little shit. Donghun lifted him into his lap, stroking one soft cheek.

“Daddy’s _old_. You’ll get tired one day.” He stuck his tongue out at the little boy. “What do you want to do today, little star?”

“Mmm…” Kai looked deep in thought, and then lit up. “Fishes!”

“Fishes? What fishes?”

“The fishes.” Kai moved his hands like fins. “Like George went to see in the story!”

“Oh, an aquarium? The fishes’ house?”

“Yeah.” Kai clapped his hands together one. “A walarium.”

“Close enough.” Donghun kissed the top of his head. “I’m up for seeing some fishes, that sounds fun.” He gave Kai a soft nudge. “Go play for a bit. I’ll get up.”

Kai zoomed from the room, and Donghun let out a sigh. It was like a little happy pill he got to take every day. Right now, his heart felt bruised, but he still had Kai. He still had the most important thing in his world.

He pulled out his laptop from the dresser and sat cross-legged as it loaded. A quick morning check of his work emails was habit, and almost always the first thing he did each day. He clicked into his inbox and found the usual spam, a few replies from suppliers and clients, and a message received overnight:

_From: YuchanKangPhotography@gmail.com_

_RE: Final Albums_

_Hi Donghun,_

_Digital copies of the last edited albums you were waiting on from me – all attached._

_Take care._

_YC_

His heart leaped to his throat even seeing his name in his inbox, but he deflated rapidly as he read the contents. Attached to the email were two zip files, and he opened them briefly to check the contents. The last two weddings they had worked together, although they hadn’t been speaking at the time.

He nearly closed the message, but spotted a single file attached alongside the folders. It was a single jpeg, labelled with just a string of numbers and letters. He double-clicked and the image opened.

He stopped.

It was a photo of Donghun – one he had never even known was taken. It was from one of the weddings a few months ago – he was dressed in a pale blue shirt and dark jeans. He had been caught leaning forward, handing to the bride one of the blue dress-pins he always gave as a little gift: _something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue_. The bride was out of the shot, and it left Donghun alone in the frame.

Tears pricked in Donghun’s eyes.

He never cared for photos of himself, but this was different. He’d been caught right as a genuine smile crinkled his eyes – not the forced smile reserved for cameras, but a smile that lit his whole face with happiness. Sunlight sparkled in his eyes and the wind caught loose strands of his hair, sending them dancing around his face. His hands held out the dress pin, cupping it lovingly as he handed it to an out-of-shot surprised bride. It was light, and happy, and beautiful.

It wasn’t just the perfect photo.

Donghun knew why Yuchan had sent it to him. This photo was the perfect capture of how Yuchan saw him.

Donghun closed the file and shut the laptop quietly, ready to get out of bed.

Perhaps he’d see Yuchan again, one day in the future, or perhaps he’d blown his chance. He had no way to know.

But looking at that photo, he realised that if it were possible for someone to look at him and see him that way… perhaps he was worthy of love after all.

It was time to open his heart again.

**_Epilogue_ **

“Right, I think that’s everything…”

Donghun consulted his list, and tapped the final bullet point on the page.

“Actually, I still need to go through some things for photography, but the rest of you can head out.” He smiled at his suppliers, who grumbled something playfully about the long meeting. “Well I can always _not_ give you the work.”

“Let us moan, boss.”

They began to head out, chatting amongst themselves. Summer was finally beginning to set in over California, and blue skies blazed over the grounds of the country house. Donghun fanned his t-shirt as he collected his things, and shot a faint smile at his photographer.

“This place is amazing,” Alex said, eyes wide. “Imagine getting married in a place like this.” He trailed after Donghun, looking around the grounds like a kid in a candy store. Donghun fought not to roll his eyes.

But he caught himself, because he knew he was being judgemental. Alex had worked for him for over a year now, and yes – perhaps he was a little vapid, and at times an utter airhead. But Donghun had learned not to take people at face value anymore. Not all wedding photographers were empty-headed pretty boys.

He walked around the grounds with Alex, running him through the next day’s wedding plans. As they arrived back at the front of the house, Donghun glanced at his phone.

“So are you happy with all that? I need to get off pretty sharp.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Alex gave a big smile. “See you tomorrow, boss!”

Donghun snorted softly as he headed to his car. He wasn’t quite sure when that nickname had become a thing, or who had joined the team that had started it. He humoured them, even though at twenty-nine, he still didn’t feel old enough to be anyone’s boss.

He rolled down the windows to drive home, a lo-fi playlist drifting dreamily over him. He glanced again at the time, and not for the first time today, felt a pang of nervousness.

It only took twenty minutes to get home, and he immediately chucked his bags down and peeled his clothes from his body. He showered quickly, singing as the water rinsed suds from his long hair, before drying off and pulling on the fresh clothes he had already hung out the night before.

He needed to head off straight away, but he hesitated in the mirror for a moment longer than normal. He cast a critical look over himself, tweaking the roll-up at the bottom of his jeans… teasing one strand of hair out of its bun to frame his face... He swallowed, and went to pull on his sneakers.

In the past eight or nine months, he had grown accustomed to the school run. At first, he had turned up early, fretting on the playground as he wondered how his baby’s day had been, away from him. But he had soon settled into life with a kid in kindergarten – not only did it free up his days, but he had gotten to know some of the parents and chatted to them as they waited for the bell to ring for the end of the day.

Still, he wasn’t ever going to stop fizzing with happiness when Kai scanned the waiting parents and lit up with a huge smile when he saw Donghun.

“Daddy!” He ran over, holding the straps of his dinosaur backpack. He reached for Donghun’s hand and they began to walk together to the car. Donghun savoured this – he knew, with the way Kai was growing up so fast, that there would come a day in a few years when he would be too cool to want to hold dad’s hand. “I did a painting today!”

“Did you!” Donghun took the paper Kai held out to him. It was filled with butterflies in rainbow colours.

“Wow! It’s beautiful! Shall we put it on the fridge when we get home?”

“Yeah!”

Kai continued to tell him all about his day: about his classes, about his gold star for counting, and of course all about his best friend Bobby. Donghun had been nervous when Kai had started school, knowing his son was so shy. He knew it came from his own genes – he had clung to his mom’s leg and hidden from strangers as a child, and Kai had inherited that same coyness. But the other kids liked Kai – and none more so than Bobby. They sat together in every class, played make-believe games on the playground, and, on occasion, got into trouble giggling when the teacher was talking. Bobby’s mom was a single mother the same age as Donghun – and she had fast become a new friend. It was nice to talk to someone who understood just how hard it could be to raise a child alone.

Byeongkwan appeared from the kitchen as Donghun let himself into his apartment. Kai pulled away from his hand and ran over.

“Uncle Kwannie! Uncle Kwannie, are we still gonna go ice skating like you promised?”

“Hello to you too, little dude.” Byeongkwan fluffed his hair, but Kai was already onto his next mission.

“Uncle Sehni! Will you teach me how to skate?”

Kai hugged Sehyoon around his legs, making his lips curl into a smile. Donghun bit back a smirk – he knew Byeongkwan still cringed hard at Kai calling them _both_ uncles; his too-cool-for-monogamy ways still lingering even after this long. But Donghun knew that deep down, Byeongkwan was just as content with Sehyoon as vice versa. It made him privately wistful, seeing them together.

“Okay, well… I’m going to head off.” Donghun put his hands in his pockets, nodding once.

Byeongkwan met his eyes. “Good luck,” he said, and it was free from any of his usual teasing.

Donghun cursed the traffic under his breath as he drove – he didn’t want to be late. He shot a glance in the rear-view mirror as he stopped at a red light, checking his hair for the hundredth time. When he finally got to the carpark in the centre of downtown, he couldn’t jump out fast enough.

There were dozens of cafes around here, all vying for patronage. But the one he was heading to was just off the beaten track – down an alleyway that led to the open glass front. In the winter, the glass was always frosted up, beckoning coffee lovers into the warmth, but in summer it spilled with hanging baskets and fresh bread piled in the window.

Donghun hesitated in the doorway, and then stepped inside.

There was the normal babble of girls chatting, friends meeting, and students typing on laptops. Almost every table was full, and the whole place smelled of warm baguettes and lemon frosting. Fairy lights twinkled across the ceiling and more pink flowers burst from pots on the windowsills.

Donghun stopped, just inside the door, because the second he walked in, he saw him.

Yuchan was sat at the table in the back corner, oblivious to his arrival. His white t-shirt was tucked into skinny ripped jeans, and he tapped one conversed foot on the floor absently. One hand was curled around a coffee, the other holding a book with a pretty cover. He was absorbed, his tongue between his lips as he read, and his bangs falling into his eyes.

Donghun had forgotten just how beautiful he was.

For a moment, he was rendered helpless. Nervousness kicked in his stomach, and he wiped his sticky palms on the back of his jeans.

Shaking, he walked over.

“Hey, stranger.”

Yuchan looked up and met his eyes, and Donghun’s heart all but dissolved.

“Hey!” His voice was nervous too, and Donghun didn’t know whether that was reassuring, or made his own anxiety worse. But Yuchan smiled regardless, and Donghun tried to return it.

“I-I’ll grab a coffee and be right back.” He flashed another wobbly smile, and hurried to the counter, aware of Yuchan’s eyes following him.

 _Breathe_.

But he couldn’t just tell himself to be calm. He was never like this – Donghun never got nervous – but he couldn’t push down the butterflies kicking hard in his abdomen. He distracted himself by looking up at the drinks board, and ordering himself a cappuccino.

It had taken a long time to pick himself up after Yuchan had left for Japan. For a month or so, he would still sporadically log in to Instagram and go scrolling through his profile, until he finally found the resolve to kick the habit. And slowly, he had stopped feeling the daily pang of regret deep in his heart.

But he had never stopped thinking about him.

He had registered a couple of months ago that it must be around the end of Yuchan’s one-year contract at the studio. He had forced himself not to dwell, not to go looking things up online. Things were good, and he was happy, and longingly hanging after a boy he’d blown his shot with wouldn’t bring him any happiness.

He had done such a good job of moving on, that when his phone had pinged with a message one evening last week, he had stared dumbly at the screen for a full minute. It had been a very long time since _Yuchannie_ had appeared on his phone, and he had been shaking before he had even opened the message.

_Hey Donghun, it’s Yuchan. Wasn’t sure if you still have my number saved! How are things? I moved back to Oakland a little while back. Was just wondering if you wanted to get a coffee or something?_

The way his heart had raced.

He remembered putting the phone down with shaking hands, forcing himself not to get ahead of himself. It was just coffee. It was just an olive branch, just two old friends meeting up. A lot had happened between them and Donghun absolutely couldn’t take anything for granted.

But now, as he collected his coffee, he still fought a battle not to let his hands shake enough to spill it.

Yuchan slid his book into his backpack as Donghun returned to sit opposite him. He played with a bracelet as he gave another nervous smile.

“Your hair.” It seemed he blurted it out, and then went a little flushed, and Donghun reached up and touched his hair bun with a nervous laugh.

“Oh! Yeah.” What once had been blonde was now soft lilac. “It’s what happens when you ask your five-year-old to pick your hair colour for you.” They both laughed weakly.

“How is Kai?” Yuchan traced the rim of his coffee cup.

“He’s good, yeah.” Donghun nodded, still finding it hard to hold Yuchan’s gaze. “He’s in kindergarten now…”

“Wow, yeah, of course. Is he enjoying it?”

“Yeah. I thought he might got upset when he had to leave me on his first day… but I think it was the other way around.” He grinned sheepishly, and Yuchan smiled too. “But… But anyway, how… How are you? How was Japan?”

And so Yuchan began to talk – about his life in Tokyo, about the studio he had worked for, and the events he had photographed there. He kept pushing back his hair, an old tick Donghun hadn’t seen in so long, and occasionally he punctuated his anecdotes with that infamous laugh that once upon a time, he had heard nearly every day.

And Donghun drank it all in, drank in his smile, and his hands playing with his bracelets, and his voice. Drank in the way he asked questions about the little things in Donghun’s life, and the way he leaned in a little to listen to Donghun’s words in return. Yuchan swirled his coffee absently as he talked about his move back to Oakland, his pretty eyes down on the patterns it made.

_I still love him._

It wasn’t a revelation. It was just there; he had always known it was there.

They talked for an hour, until the last of their coffee dregs grew cold. It wasn’t the way it used to be – there were awkward pauses, and Donghun never quite relaxed, but he supposed that was inevitable. He glanced at the clock reluctantly, knowing it was time to go and fetch Kai from the boys.

“I’ve got to run too,” Yuchan said as they stood up together. “I’m meeting Junhee for a drink.”

They headed out the front of the café, and both hesitated, going in different directions.

“Well, it was… it was really good to see you?” Donghun added a note of question on there, because he was feeling nervous again.

Yuchan met his eyes. “…Yeah.” He nodded faintly. “Guess I’ll catch you soon?”

“Yeah.”

Donghun’s hands were still shaking as he turned and walked down the alleyway.

He let out a long, slow breath as he walked back to his car. Already, he was replaying the last hour in his head, hanging onto little things Yuchan had told him, storing away his stories and smiles. He felt relieved that it was over, and reluctant to have left, and anxious over the awkward moments. He hadn’t got a clue what Yuchan was thinking: did he forgive Donghun for what he had done? Was this a one-time thing, just a way to make peace with old heartbreak? Or was there room in his heart for Donghun to come back, as a friend – or more?

As the early evening sun caught Donghun’s eyes, he raised a hand to shield them, and felt a great wave of calmness swim over him – banishing all his fretful thoughts.

He didn’t know where this would go. He didn’t know whether he could regain what he had once had with Yuchan. He had no way of knowing, even if they did re-enter each other’s lives, whether he would end up happy, or hurt, or vulnerable…

But Donghun was okay with whatever the future held. He smiled.

He’d spent long enough looking back over his shoulder at the past.

From now on, he was only looking ahead.

_The End._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we’re done!
> 
> If you’ve got this far – a hundred thank yous for reading. I’ve said it every time and I’ll say it again – it means the world to me for even one person to enjoy reading my stories and get to the end. Thank you especially to those of you who have left kudos and kind comments – once again your lovely words have brought a tear to my eye so thank you, thank you, thank you!
> 
> I really wanted to write a story where love actually doesn’t prevail. I love love itself, and writing fairytale romances is my favourite thing in the world. But, sometimes, life happens. Sometimes, good people do bad things, or confused people do confusing things, or the time and place and circumstances just don’t come together in the end. Sometimes, we mess up, we learn about ourselves, and things are bittersweet. So I wanted to reflect that in this fic.
> 
> So, it’s up to you to wonder what happens to the boys. I guess it’s over to you – do you think Donghun and Yuchan will end up back together..?
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Until next time, take care, and keep well.
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly
> 
> [Come say hi on Twitter!](https://twitter.com/IndiDragonfly)


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